My Initial Trauma

[NarcsEverywhere]

Been working through stuff, and asserting myself to people who abuse me, and I woke up this morning remembering/triggered by a memory of my BPDexGF beating me (for needing an escape, from infinitely trying to console her, during her mothers death), remembering the house where she let racoons in at night, and I'd argue with her and argue with her about it, until she wore me down to a state of hopelessness. The details are too gross to really describe here. (I was only like 19 at the time) But between all the degradation, manipulation and horrible living conditions, it's in that house that I felt this sense of hopelessness sink in, that I don't think I ever fully recovered from.

My probably (BPD/NPD) neighbor had her father die yesterday (according to my Dad), and it triggered this, I think. I thought "I'll cut her slack, since her father died, if she acts out a lot", but I truly fear she'll try to literally get away with murder, as she has used tough situations like this to kill cats.

It's so sick to me, that every hardship, people like this use to make themselves the center of the universe, and get away with whatever they want, yuck. I feel sick to my stomach this morning, I think about my BPDexGF.

Do you think maybe they get consumed by you consoling them, and supporting them and they lash out, and control, for that reason? That and because of fear of abandonment. I think I recall this being the case?

[Rev]

Do you think maybe they get consumed by you consoling them, and supporting them and they lash out, and control, for that reason? That and because of fear of abandonment. I think I recall this being the case?

Essentially, you've got it right.

Hang it there. Eventually you'll get your head around how messed up the disorder really is.

Each pwBPD outwardly behaves differently. The becoming "consumed" part of the disorder remains remarkably consistent.

Rev

[NarcsEverywhere]

Hrm, I'm keeping my cat in today, dunno what the safest bet is, to try to not trigger her Narcissistic rage, I think the best bet is probably to leave her alone, and not really get involved, if I do anything, and maybe if I run into her offer condolences, but not get involved. As triggering her, could cause her to hurt her own cats, to control/abuse me.

It's hard for me to really tell the difference between NPD and BPD, I'll check the info on the site. I've been involved with 3 women in recent years. 1 was the neighbor, who cares a lot about her image in the neighborhood and will do all sorts of crazy stuff to control it, but she also seems to cheat a lot. And seems to emasculate her victim, while cheating on him, which is what my BPDexGF did. (I can't really get into the details of the sexual relationship, but it's like I could never win, no matter what I did, and I always ended up feeling like crap, and feeling perpetually unwanted). My ex also would attack and abuse me for gushing about her, and how pretty she was sometimes.

The girl I met online a few years ago, did similar stuff, tried to emasculate me, and was highly sexual. I think, she had BPD too. So that's 3. I guess the one I am most questionable on is my friends mom, who seemed to want a romantic relationship with me, as she always escalated affections, but I never really took it further, as I felt it was inappropriate. But she totally seems to have a strong hatred for men.

One thing she did when her son died, was say "I know my son, and she assumed he had killed himself 100%, no doubt in her mind, even though, technically, they never found the body". She also played on my agoraphobia and fear of needing a bit of support before the memorial, and seemed to ignore me when I said I loved her as a friend. I think she had BPD too. I guess I am just trying to label it, so I know how to interpret things, so I know if I was abused by her/them out of consumption. Which means, that it's a no win situation, and my codependent behaviors might have played even less of a role than I thought.

Anyways, thanks for the input Rev, I just hope I can keep my cat safe, and prevent her from hurting cats, ugh.

[Rev]

The jury is still kinda out on whether BPD and NPD are not one and the same - if we are talking about someone who.is deeply disordered.

Are you familiar with the term co-morbid?

Rev

[NarcsEverywhere]

Oh yeah, I am definitely well aware of it, some of these terms I haven't thought of recently though. Lately I get caught up in the whole this person is codependent, this person is more narcissistic things, but most people, who aren't super healthy people are a mix. But some people, who are the most disordered, tend to fall into the NPD/BPD category.

Although, my codependency can get crazy sometimes, like when I get very afraid, I am a hot mess myself, but at least my intentions are fairly good, even if a lot of it is based on fear of abandonment, and just fear in general.

I do think they basically are the same thing, I just think different people have different triggers, and behaviors. It's easy to get lost in the labels, and forget that each person is different, especially when evaluating trauma, which is why I tend to not want to focus on it as often as I have been, because I don't want this to be my whole world.