Beginning the Road to My Recovery

[Glory B]

I’m new to this support group. I’ve only recently come to the realization that my husband is likely afflicted with BPD.  He exhibits many behavior traits typical of BPD - cycles of rage, blame, shame, irrational, impulsive. He has not been formally diagnosed by a psychiatrist-has skipped or broken the appointments. However, as I’ve talked with my  therapist about the repetitive cycles of chaos, now escalating in their frequency and intensity, I’ve come to accept that BPD is the cause.
The cycles have been happening most of our 23 years of marriage. I had no idea what I was dealing with. Had I known I would have responded and reacted much differently to his rages, etc. I wouldn’t be so damaged now by things he has said and done to me. Now I know.
I have just recently  separated myself from him. The last cycle was horrendous, and I made the decision to no longer participate in any more of them. I need to heal and recover.
The research of BPD that I’ve done has led me to this support group. For so long I’ve kept the  BPD episodes from my family and friends. I didn’t reach out for help or support. My pulling away from my husband, as family and friends learn if it, will surprise them. To them my husband is charming and wonderful. I don’t want to disparage my husband to others. So I expect they will distance themselves from me, especially because my husband has already begun his distortion campaign against me.
I hope that communicating with others who have been adversely affected by their BPD, will help me pick up the broken pieces of my heart, and repair the damages the BPD has inflicted.

[jaded7]

I’m new to this support group. I’ve only recently come to the realization that my husband is likely afflicted with BPD.  He exhibits many behavior traits typical of BPD - cycles of rage, blame, shame, irrational, impulsive. He has not been formally diagnosed by a psychiatrist-has skipped or broken the appointments. However, as I’ve talked with my  therapist about the repetitive cycles of chaos, now escalating in their frequency and intensity, I’ve come to accept that BPD is the cause.
The cycles have been happening most of our 23 years of marriage. I had no idea what I was dealing with. Had I known I would have responded and reacted much differently to his rages, etc. I wouldn’t be so damaged now by things he has said and done to me. Now I know.
I have just recently  separated myself from him. The last cycle was horrendous, and I made the decision to no longer participate in any more of them. I need to heal and recover.
The research of BPD that I’ve done has led me to this support group. For so long I’ve kept the  BPD episodes from my family and friends. I didn’t reach out for help or support. My pulling away from my husband, as family and friends learn if it, will surprise them. To them my husband is charming and wonderful. I don’t want to disparage my husband to others. So I expect they will distance themselves from me, especially because my husband has already begun his distortion campaign against me.
I hope that communicating with others who have been adversely affected by their BPD, will help me pick up the broken pieces of my heart, and repair the damages the BPD has inflicted.

I just wanted to say I'm glad you found this group. I hope it will be helpful to you as you try to make sense of it all. Sometimes there is no making sense except to say this person has personality disorder.

We will all recognize what you say about the damage that things they say and do can do to us. A major issue is to not take them personally, realize that they aren't about you. But that is so hard to do. I struggle with that myself, greatly.

And the distortion campaign is familiar to others here as well. I hope you can make use of the resources and nice people here.

[Juantelamela]

Hello and welcome fellow newbie.

I recently ended it with my long term partner of 4 years. Like your situation, my partner was unaware of BPD and was mistakenly diagnosed as being Bipolar, which she had told me was the reason for her very sudden episodes. Throughout the relationship I kept trying to figure out how what the best way to communicate with her to minimize these thoughts she kept building up in her mind, but every time I thought I figured it out there would be something else that comes up that would lead me to yet again have to defend myself and reassure her of my love.

Cycle after cycle It felt like bits of who I am were getting stripped away as I kept adjusting to keep her happy. I muted my phone because too many notification sounds would trigger her and make her feel like I was texting another woman. I would refuse going out to after work drinks with coworkers because the thought of me being out and having an enjoyable time without her would also trigger her. I spent less time with my family who took notice once she and I began dating.

I did all these little changes to myself in hopes she would be able to feel confident in me and the relationship, feeling the emptiness in myself grow bigger and bigger as it felt like she was taking all the care I had to give. By the middle of the 3rd year is when she got the proper diagnosis. It was certainly troubling for both of us when she found out, and we both agreed it made sense based on her behavior and actions. She  began talking to a therapist and going through DBT sessions weekly. I sought help and found this support group and finally felt like I wasn't alone in how I felt.

But the cycles continued...and the emotional pain that she had put me through over those years eventually outgrew my love for her. I know it wasn't her fault. She loved me and never intended to hurt me the way she did. The last fight we had wasn't even about anything major, but as I stood there listening to the apologies and how she was wrong for her behavior, I felt the cycle starting over again. I started wondering to myself how long until the next fight? 2 days? A week, if I'm lucky?

You did good to separate yourself. It's hard when someone you are in love with pushes you to your breaking point. She broke me and left me feeling empty. It feels like she took all the love and and empathy in my very soul for herself. But now that I've cut things off with her, it feels like I've got nothing left to give anyone.