Being accepted for who I am

[keepitup]

So here I am, a little more than 3 months after breakup. I posted 2-3 weeks ago about feeling really sad and having difficulty to get through this sadness. Though it has been hard, it helped me realize new things.

I understood and accepted that I was not loved for who I was in my previous relationship. My bpd ex often said he wanted to change me and very much tried to do so. He was nice to me when I was doing the things the way he wanted and was mean to me (ex. : insults, sarcasm, silent treatment, yelling) when I did not act or said the things exactly as he wanted.

That made me feel more at peace with the fact that we are no longer together.

I realized that I want to be accepted for who I am. Sure, everybody can grow and become a better person, but I don’t have to become someone else. It may sound obvious but for the last three years, I have been told relentlessly almost every day that I needed to change this, to change that. So, I began to forget that I was who I was and that it was ok being me.

Also, it reassured me that I was not completely broken. You see, I tend to be a happy-go-lucky person and I recently started to feel that way once more. I like to laugh and I love to make people around me smile. My bpdex did not like it at all, it got on his nerves. But that’s who I am. And I feel good being a happy-go-lucky person.

It’s ironic, but having lived in an abusive relationship made me learned what I truly want in a relationship. Respect, honesty, and being able to have fun and laugh. And of course, living without fear. I won’t take that for granted anymore.

[cranmango]

Thanks for sharing, keepitup. It sounds like you've really come a long way in the last few weeks.

The dynamic in my previous relationship was similar. Near constant criticism, over things big and small. It made me lose sight of who I am, what I value, and what makes me happy. I am slowly getting back in touch with those things, and feeling a bit more like myself.

Respect, honest, and laughter indeed. Right there with you -

[jaded7]

So here I am, a little more than 3 months after breakup. I posted 2-3 weeks ago about feeling really sad and having difficulty to get through this sadness. Though it has been hard, it helped me realize new things.

I understood and accepted that I was not loved for who I was in my previous relationship. My bpd ex often said he wanted to change me and very much tried to do so. He was nice to me when I was doing the things the way he wanted and was mean to me (ex. : insults, sarcasm, silent treatment, yelling) when I did not act or said the things exactly as he wanted.

That made me feel more at peace with the fact that we are no longer together.

I realized that I want to be accepted for who I am. Sure, everybody can grow and become a better person, but I don’t have to become someone else. It may sound obvious but for the last three years, I have been told relentlessly almost every day that I needed to change this, to change that. So, I began to forget that I was who I was and that it was ok being me.

Also, it reassured me that I was not completely broken. You see, I tend to be a happy-go-lucky person and I recently started to feel that way once more. I like to laugh and I love to make people around me smile. My bpdex did not like it at all, it got on his nerves. But that’s who I am. And I feel good being a happy-go-lucky person.

It’s ironic, but having lived in an abusive relationship made me learned what I truly want in a relationship. Respect, honesty, and being able to have fun and laugh. And of course, living without fear. I won’t take that for granted anymore.

Really good news, thanks for sharing. In my experience, not being accepted for who you are is really, really painful on a spiritual level. It's not even that obvious at first how much it hurts.

You lose yourself in trying to not make the other person mad (for not being who they want you to be)- even though they loved you in the beginning. I remember my ex one night just hammering me for various major shortcomings in my life and personality, and I said to her "do you remember that text you sent to your friend listing all the great things about me? I'm still that person...I don't understand all this"

Her response - 'that's before I knew all this stuff about you'.

I said..."what stuff?"

Nothing new had come up about me, no new revelations about me...just the same old me she told me she loved 6 months before.

And you notice, I was begging for her to respect and love me. And she rejected it.

What a pathetic situation.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Congratulations to you! I'm still grieving and such about a lot of stuff, but I definitely value respect way more now, than I ever did. I naturally valued it, but just not to the same degree. I'm starting to see some of my positivity return, so I totally relate. Also, if I ever want a girlfriend, I definitely want one that who at least doesn't abuse the crap out of me, if she has any issues with me. I think a lot of people have issues and embarrassments, but most people don't become this insane and abusive over it.

[keepitup]

Thank you guys for your replies! Your answers are all very interesting and they deepen the reflection on the topic.

The dynamic in my previous relationship was similar. Near constant criticism, over things big and small. It made me lose sight of who I am, what I value, and what makes me happy. I am slowly getting back in touch with those things, and feeling a bit more like myself.

Cranmango, I agree, near constant criticism wears you down. All the more when there are double standards. My bpdex criticized things I did that he did not even do himself. I think that by striking first he was making sure the attention was all on me instead of on him. I also recently came to the conclusion that constant criticism could be a way to deal with jealousy, to make the person you are jealous of look less good. In my case, I had recently finished my master degree, I had a good job, friends and family that cared about me. My bpdex constantly criticized my job, got angry when I got a promotion and pressured me to cut contact with my family and one of my best friends... I think that it reminded him that he did not have the things I had. I was a foe instead of a teammate in his eyes. Definitely bpd patterns there, maybe it will resonate with you or other people's situations too.

In my experience, not being accepted for who you are is really, really painful on a spiritual level. It's not even that obvious at first how much it hurts.

You lose yourself in trying to not make the other person mad (for not being who they want you to be)- even though they loved you in the beginning. I remember my ex one night just hammering me for various major shortcomings in my life and personality, and I said to her "do you remember that text you sent to your friend listing all the great things about me? I'm still that person...I don't understand all this"

Her response - 'that's before I knew all this stuff about you'.

I said..."what stuff?"

Nothing new had come up about me, no new revelations about me...just the same old me she told me she loved 6 months before.

And you notice, I was begging for her to respect and love me. And she rejected it.

What a pathetic situation.

jaded7, you are so right about the pain of not being loved for who you are. I absolutely did not acknowledged it during the relationship and it took me 3 months after the breakup to realize it. But the pain and the gut feeling were there all along.

It is almost scary how the situation you describe is similar to what I lived too. My ex telling everyone how wonderful I was and putting me down behind closed doors. I tried so much to avoid him getting mad, but there never was a right answer and I always ended feeling miserable. Which comes back to my conclusion that we are better to stay who we are, though I know it is easier said than done, all the more after leaving an abusive relationship.

Congratulations to you! I'm still grieving and such about a lot of stuff, but I definitely value respect way more now, than I ever did. I naturally valued it, but just not to the same degree. I'm starting to see some of my positivity return, so I totally relate. Also, if I ever want a girlfriend, I definitely want one that who at least doesn't abuse the crap out of me, if she has any issues with me. I think a lot of people have issues and embarrassments, but most people don't become this insane and abusive over it.

Hey Narcs Everywhere, I'm glad you see your positivity return too! It's a long journey, but things do get better. I agree that people generally don't treat their partners abusively for their shortcomings. They either break up if they are not a good match or they try to talk through issues. That is another thing I came to realize (so much realizations in this post  ) because I tended to think I could have done something to prevent the abuse (say this, do that), I took the blame for it. I know now that I was wrong and did not deserve the abuse. No one does.

[SinisterComplex]

I will keep it simple and to the point...Be YOU, Do YOU, For YOU. In essence, be open to growing, but do not believe you have to change. Just be yourself and be happy with you who you are.

Moving forward try to put the ideal of Want Better, Expect Better, Do Better into your mind. It will go a long way to empowering you.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-