I have suspected for many months that my partner of just under a year has BPD, having consulted with my therapist and having had a bit of exposure to the symptoms through my own trauma and attachment research. Our relationship pattern has been rocky, but when it’s good, it’s really good. In the hard times, he would often stew about something that seemed inconsequential or out of proportion to me, and even when I did my best to validate his feelings and make up for my missteps, it would usually culminate in him ending the relationship. The first breakup was devastating to me, but I quickly realized that it was a temporary feeling he was acting on. He has always regretted the breakup within 24 hours, and often in less than that time—sometimes even minutes later. I realize that this isn’t a healthy pattern, but after each breakup, he seems to emerge with more insight about why he feels this way or that, and seems to be able to understand and articulate how I am feeling with remarkable accuracy. I’ve watched him learn so much about himself and change in many positive ways over the past 11 months together.
A few weeks ago, my partner was finally diagnosed with both BPD and PTSD. He's been in therapy for years, but not with a BPD specialist, and it wasn't trauma informed as far as I can tell. I have my own diagnoses, and have for quite a few years—both PTSD and ADHD. When my partner is splitting or triggered, some of the behaviors he exhibits are ones that remind me of how I behaved in relationships as a teenager, as a result of my own trauma and the rejection-sensitivity that comes with neurodivergence. Thus, black & white thinking, setting someone on a pedestal and making them my whole world, deflecting blame, jealousy, suspiciousness, seeking to hurt someone who has hurt me, and the vivid felt reality of that wounded place are familiar to me. The difference is that when I realized how my behavior was making me more alone, I took steps to change—it has been about a decade since that time. My partner doesn’t seem to have the self control or the distress tolerance necessary to make those changes stick for himself, even though I know he wants to. The inability to control these outbursts, and the sincerity of his regret is what made me suspect BPD in the first place. As a 35 y/o man, he has learned a lot about himself over the years, and sometimes can be startlingly insightful and self aware. I can glean from the stories he tells of his teens and twenties that his behavior and self awareness have improved markedly over the years, despite the fact that he didn’t have a therapist through his 20s.
Upon diagnosis, my SO was prescribed mood stabilizers and a low dose of antipsychotic, as the inciting occasion followed an episode of stress and substance induced paranoia (cannabis). Unfortunately, I don’t think he’s taking these medications with any regularity. I see the paranoid thoughts coming back up, and his mood is often very stormy. He has a new therapist whose specialties are more in line with his needs, but his heart doesn’t seem to be in it. What’s more, some new symptoms are coming up, and I’m uncertain how to deal with them. My partner is self employed, in a design field, and he is a very talented and highly skilled worker. However, his BPD means that he often does not take feedback well from his collaborators and clients, taking their criticism very personally, and as a result, he has burned a good few bridges, and doesn’t have any leads on new work coming in. He is now engaging in what I think is almost a dissociative level of fantastical thinking, in regards to his career. Suddenly he seems to think he can no longer continue in the field he has worked for over a decade, and is frantically and erratically trying to come up with a new idea for a business he could run that would catapult him out of his financial hardship. I don’t think any of his ideas sound very marketable or realistic, and he isn’t well-versed in any of the fields these products or services pertain to, nor has he done any of the research to find out if any of these ideas are feasible. My read on the situation is that his feelings have been hurt by these clients and collaborators, and he’s running from anything that reminds him of that. I know that he has past clients and associates who he has worked well with, plenty of projects where he has been successful, and I think he’s feeling too wounded to reach out and try to drum up new work, for fear of getting hurt again.
He is putting a lot of pressure on me to help him figure out what to do, and which of these new idea is worth pursuing. In the meantime, I suspect bills are piling up. I’m afraid he isn’t open to what I think is the real answer—dig deep in therapy with a BPD specialist, get honest about all the ways he’s getting in his own way when it comes to relations with others in his field (and in all relationships), and work to turn over a new leaf in this job that I know he is skilled in and passionate about. He sees my hesitance around these business ideas as a lack of support for his dreams, and has broached breaking up with me yet again. What’s more, he thinks it’s my responsibility to trust and believe his paranoid thoughts. I don’t want to make him feel crazy, but these thoughts have only the faintest connection to reality, if any at all. The ideas he’s fixating on seem to be almost child-like escape fantasies—an obsession with finding something that will miraculously solve all his problems, and remove the fear and hurt he’s struggling with.
Is there anything I can do to help my partner seek treatment? Does anyone have advice for staying afloat financially during an episode like this? Is there any hope of salvaging this love, or am I crazy for trying to make it work? I know it is not my job to fix my partner, but I love him dearly, and I so want to believe that healing is possible for him. What’s more, I know from personal experience how profoundly painful and isolating it is when someone you love gives up on you as a result of mental health struggles and the fallout from trauma. I don’t want to reinforce his already powerful feelings of aloneness and unworthiness, but I don’t know what to do.
Any advice or kind words are welcome—thank you.
