Checking in after a few years

[TelHill]

 

I posted about my diagnosed bpd mom in 2020. She's still alive at 95. Her mind and body have declined but the bpd is still going stronger than ever. Am a 60 yo female.

There have been a few changes. I left the position of caregiver after it was clear the other family members (dad and older brother) liked me taking the totality of mom's abuse. Up to that time, I was hallucinating that mom had major issues.

My dad and brother were stuck caregiving. I didn't show up for over 6 months.

She rotated the scapegoat position between them. Within a year they agreed that she was bpd since they knew her.  

I've stayed away (no to low contact) for most of last year, but mom had another fall in February 2023. . She was in a hospital and rehab for three months. She arrived home a few weeks ago. I have helped but have been there a few hours a week only.  Dad and brother are the chief caregivers.

Mom doesn't seem to have the will to go on though her body is strong.  This may be the last year of her life.  I'm posting again to deal with being near her again.

[Notwendy]

I posted about my diagnosed bpd mom in 2020. She's still alive at 95. Her mind and body have declined but the bpd is still going stronger than ever. Am a 60 yo female.

There have been a few changes. I left the position of caregiver after it was clear the other family members (dad and older brother) liked me taking the totality of mom's abuse. Up to that time, I was hallucinating that mom had major issues.

My dad and brother were stuck caregiving. I didn't show up for over 6 months.

She rotated the scapegoat position between them. Within a year they agreed that she was bpd since they knew her.  

I've stayed away (no to low contact) for most of last year, but mom had another fall in February 2023. . She was in a hospital and rehab for three months. She arrived home a few weeks ago. I have helped but have been there a few hours a week only.  Dad and brother are the chief caregivers.

Mom doesn't seem to have the will to go on though her body is strong.  This may be the last year of her life.  I'm posting again to deal with being near her again.

For a while, my BPD mother's extended family also didn't believe me. Eventually, they have seen enough of her behavior that they also are more realistic about it.

I think we have some hope that somehow, they would consider being kind but visits to my mother usually end up with her being angry at me for some trivial thing.

I think on your part, it may be that the best you can do is to know you tried- to the extent possible for you as you are not required to tolerate abuse. I think this is a difference for people whose parents are not disordered. Sometimes an elderly person can become more short tempered or difficult- but the parent has not been abusive or disordered, the relationship bond is different. I think all of us here would be willing to tolerate "difficult" but this is different from abusive.

I recently visited my BPD mother in her assisted living facility. When I am around her, I feel I need to be emotionally guarded the whole time. Since she is elderly, I do try my best to make it a good visit. I don't do anything to make her angry but it doesn't matter- she finds something. The recent visit involved helping her get her house ready to sell. This means speaking to realtors, the cleaning crew, and then her new situation- the nurse coordinator, staff. The visit was all about her and there was a lot to do. But she found something trivial to be angry at me about. This seems to be the pattern for visits- I do a lot for her, she finds something I didn't do to her liking.

While you might hope for the best, perhaps the best you can do is to know you tried.

[So Stressed]

For a while, my BPD mother's extended family also didn't believe me. Eventually, they have seen enough of her behavior that they also are more realistic about it.

I think we have some hope that somehow, they would consider being kind but visits to my mother usually end up with her being angry at me for some trivial thing.

I think on your part, it may be that the best you can do is to know you tried- to the extent possible for you as you are not required to tolerate abuse. I think this is a difference for people whose parents are not disordered. Sometimes an elderly person can become more short tempered or difficult- but the parent has not been abusive or disordered, the relationship bond is different. I think all of us here would be willing to tolerate "difficult" but this is different from abusive.

I recently visited my BPD mother in her assisted living facility. When I am around her, I feel I need to be emotionally guarded the whole time. Since she is elderly, I do try my best to make it a good visit. I don't do anything to make her angry but it doesn't matter- she finds something. The recent visit involved helping her get her house ready to sell. This means speaking to realtors, the cleaning crew, and then her new situation- the nurse coordinator, staff. The visit was all about her and there was a lot to do. But she found something trivial to be angry at me about. This seems to be the pattern for visits- I do a lot for her, she finds something I didn't do to her liking.

While you might hope for the best, perhaps the best you can do is to know you tried.

I am in the situation that my Mom has been abusive to me.  Since I am the only one in the family who lives close to her, I have been taking abuse for several years.  After the passing of my father, I became the scapegoat for most of the last few years, except for maybe 3 or 4 years when another sibling was it.

A different sibling is aware of Mom's abuse because I have told her. I even forwarded an abusive voicemail once to demonstrate what was happening. But, now, it seems like somehow this sibling thinks that I deserve abuse or that it doesn't happen and I am lying. I don't really know what she thinks.

It is shocking to me how low our family has sunk.  I could never have imagined that a family could blow apart like this. I usually don't give up at things...persistence is one of my characteristics, but I don't think that persistence will work here. I think only a miracle.

[TelHill]

For a while, my BPD mother's extended family also didn't believe me. Eventually, they have seen enough of her behavior that they also are more realistic about it.

I think we have some hope that somehow, they would consider being kind but visits to my mother usually end up with her being angry at me for some trivial thing.

I think on your part, it may be that the best you can do is to know you tried- to the extent possible for you as you are not required to tolerate abuse. I think this is a difference for people whose parents are not disordered. Sometimes an elderly person can become more short tempered or difficult- but the parent has not been abusive or disordered, the relationship bond is different. I think all of us here would be willing to tolerate "difficult" but this is different from abusive.

I recently visited my BPD mother in her assisted living facility. When I am around her, I feel I need to be emotionally guarded the whole time. Since she is elderly, I do try my best to make it a good visit. I don't do anything to make her angry but it doesn't matter- she finds something. The recent visit involved helping her get her house ready to sell. This means speaking to realtors, the cleaning crew, and then her new situation- the nurse coordinator, staff. The visit was all about her and there was a lot to do. But she found something trivial to be angry at me about. This seems to be the pattern for visits- I do a lot for her, she finds something I didn't do to her liking.

It is difficult with memories of abuse and the feelings of love for her. It's not her fault she has bpd.

I wind up being the parent to her. It's heartbreaking. In the nursing home she asked me if heaven exists and if I think she'll get there after she dies. She was wondering if her father was going to see her. She misses him. Then she hit the attendant trying to give her a shower. I was afraid she'd be expelled. I forced her to apologize and made it clear she was not to hit anyone. It was a sin. She was worried about heaven so I thought this might stop this behavior.

She was hospitalized a few years ago and that nursing home didn't want her to return since she was very difficult. I guess it's a mix of dementia and bpd.

[TelHill]

I am in the situation that my Mom has been abusive to me.  Since I am the only one in the family who lives close to her, I have been taking abuse for several years.  After the passing of my father, I became the scapegoat for most of the last few years, except for maybe 3 or 4 years when another sibling was it.

A different sibling is aware of Mom's abuse because I have told her. I even forwarded an abusive voicemail once to demonstrate what was happening. But, now, it seems like somehow this sibling thinks that I deserve abuse or that it doesn't happen and I am lying. I don't really know what she thinks.

It is shocking to me how low our family has sunk.  I could never have imagined that a family could blow apart like this. I usually don't give up at things...persistence is one of my characteristics, but I don't think that persistence will work here. I think only a miracle.

I agree, So Stressed. Our family has always been sad due to mom's erratic behavior. It isn't fair but it's reality.