She left me, and I put the nail in the coffin

[micdrop99]

My girlfriend exhibited many signs of BPD that I won’t go into right now (self harm, mood swings, identity issues, abandonment issues). She left me about a month ago. It was a rough relationship; no arguments but I wasn’t able to meet her needs because of my family and their lack of LGBT acceptance. I basically treated us as a long distance relationship and held out hoping I’d have a better living situation by now. Anyway, she broke up with me out of the blue by text and blocked me. I quickly called her, tried to win her back and she gave me a chance to beg and plead with her, asking why I believed she was “the one”, and finally, she agreed to meet up to give me a chance to prove that I can show up more and be a solid boyfriend. I pulled out the whole 9 yards; paid for her fare, a dinner, room and we had a great night of embracing each other. All felt right. The next morning, she told me she’s had a boyfriend for the last 3 months. I was okay, cried but acted like a man. When I got home, I berated her with insults, she told me never contact her again or she’d call the cops, then a month of apologies and asking for answers (I have terrible OCD). I understand I’ve harassed her albeit unintentionally, and she hates me so much and said she never wants to hear from me again in her life, and she’s placing a restraining order on me. I feel so terrible for disrespecting her need for space. I don’t know how to pick myself up and handle the guilt that I have because I wasn’t a good partner because of my environment, and I was a jerk after she left me for an entire month. She told me she’s glad she left me for someone else, and sees now how crazy toxic I truly am.