Bpd parent with ovarian cancer

[Youarehere]

My Mother was diagnosed 3 years ago with late stage ovarian cancer. My sibling and I are her only support system and we are working very well together to ensure she gets to and from treatment and to doctors appts. I popped in to this chat because my Mother's bpd tendencies (which were diagnosed by my therapist in her absense) have been escalating. We had a pretty significant blow up 2 months ago triggered by what I still don't know, but it was so bad I called my therapist to get us in asap for a virtual meeting. She agreed to go and for that I'm grateful, but honestly all it seemed to do was to show me just how adept she is at manipulation. We have lovely moments and I know she is truly trying to mend fences given that she is a terminal cancer patient and I want to give it my all, but a large part of me has resigned myself to both continuing to participate in what could evolve into an easy and carefree relationship and also just accepting that it is never going to be that. She is who she is, at times brilliant, interesting, caring in her way and at others an absolute selfish tyrant who requires complete submission of self to satiate her need for control. At this moment isn't time she has been expressing how alone she is, even though that is false. I am not the favored child. My sister is her baby and at times they have a bit of a Grey gardens thing going on. But that aside, I guess I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced the anxiety and wrath of these folks and if so where do you put it. Are there any ways or trucks to avoid those moments? I'm not proud to say that I am kind of Moreso checking out emotionally. But if I only have a year or 2 left with her I want to be present. Thanks for reading. Sorry if it's meandering or unclear, there's just so many emotions around this. I have a great Mom, she's just sick x2.

[kells76]

Hi Youarehere, glad you are here! You're not alone in this group; many members are coping with having BPD parents who either through age, illness, or both are very unwell. It's truly a challenge to balance caring for them in ways that allow us to have integrity, with not losing ourselves in the demands and, as you put it, tyranny.

I'm curious if a bigger hurdle for you is what others might think if you stepped back from care or from the relationship, or what you would think about yourself if you stepped back from care or from the relationship. Or maybe they're equal hurdles?

I'm reading that part of you recognizes that your mom's behaviors are escalating and this is what it is, at the same time that part of you wants to give it "one more real try" with her.

Where is she living right now, and does she have a care team besides/in addition to you and your sibling? I'm hopeful that there are options for you to "pass back" your mom's feelings to her in a loving way that doesn't require you to give until there's nothing left.

Keep us posted on how the last few days have been for you;

kells76