Don't know where to start

[PurpleCat23]

Hello! I've never joined a support group, but I honestly don't know where else to go. My husband was diagnosed with BPD a couple months ago and for the past month we have done nothing but fought. I constantly feel like I'm walking on eggshells and never have the right response to his questions/statements. It's getting exhausting trying to figure out how to stay 2 steps ahead so I don't upset him. I am seeing a therapist, but there is only so much help he can give.. I just want to know I'm not alone in this situation. I feel like I'm going crazy trying to please him all the time to avoid the arguments that come anyway. How do others handle this situation?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi PurpleCat23, welcome to the group  you're landing in a good place to share your experience with others who definitely understand what you're going through.

You H's diagnosis is pretty new, so it's no wonder that things have been unstable lately. How did he receive the diagnosis (accepting of it, in denial, other)? And who gave the diagnosis (therapist, doctor, another professional)?

Glad to hear you're seeing a T. Many of us here are, too; mine (as far as I know) doesn't have specific experience with BPD, but she understands family dynamics enough to see where I'm coming from and offer support.

I think you're on to something here:

I feel like I'm going crazy trying to please him all the time to avoid the arguments that come anyway.

One of the challenging things about BPD is that often there isn't a rational correspondence between what's going on "on the outside" and how the pwBPD feels.

For example, for a "generally normal" person, we might have a bad thing happen to us like a fender bender, and then after that happens, we have feelings about it (anxiety, frustration, fear, anger, etc).

For pwBPD, one way to think about what's going on is that first they have inner feelings come up -- anger, frustration, rage, fear -- and then, even though nothing happened "on the outside", they look for something "on the outside" to pin those feelings on. So, there isn't necessarily a correlation between what you did or didn't do or say, and how the pwBPD feels. This might be what's going on with you and your H, that you're noticing -- no matter what you do or say or don't do or don't say, he feels how he feels inside, and seeks something or someone to pin those feelings on.

Maybe it can be a relief to you to know that your task isn't finding ways to make sure he doesn't get angry -- in fact, you really don't have any control over that.

What we can do here is learn some non-intuitive tools and skills that we'll have 100% control over, that can help "turn down the heat" in interactions and can help us stay stable and grounded, no matter what the pwBPD is doing, saying, or feeling.

One good place to start that learning process is with our article on What Does it Take to Be in a Relationship with a pwBPD. Check it out when you have time, and let us know your thoughts on it.

We'll be here for you;

kells76

[PurpleCat23]

Thank you Kells76!   

His diagnosis came from his med management doc and his T confirmed it without fulling confirming it. He is in denial of the diagnosis, but anytime he is frustrated or angry he uses it as an excuse for his actions. Which is frustrating for me.

My T has experience with BPD and has been an amazing supporter in helping me understand. He actually suggested that we see a couples counselor to help mediate some of the conversations that surround our regular arguments. I am hoping that those sessions will help. My T has also suggested a bunch of literature to help me understand what is happening and how to cope with everything. I haven't had a chance to start.

I absolutely feel this:

"For pwBPD, one way to think about what's going on is that first they have inner feelings come up -- anger, frustration, rage, fear -- and then, even though nothing happened "on the outside", they look for something "on the outside" to pin those feelings on. So, there isn't necessarily a correlation between what you did or didn't do or say, and how the pwBPD feels. This might be what's going on with you and your H, that you're noticing -- no matter what you do or say or don't do or don't say, he feels how he feels inside, and seeks something or someone to pin those feelings on."

I feel like our arguments go in circles because I respond, he gets upset, I ask how I could have responded better, then he repeats what I did but in his own words. There is no winning.

I am looking forward to using this support group more to understand what I can do. I've been so close to my breaking point so many times this past month and it doesn't feel like it will be better anytime soon. My T helped me feel better about having those feelings and understanding that that is so much a person can take before the relationship isn't beneficial, I just love my H so much that I don't want to go down that hole.

[kells76]

Good to hear back from you, PurpleCat.

It makes sense that his "only when it benefits me" approach to the diagnosis would be frustrating. The weirdly nice thing about this group is that it doesn't matter whether your loved one does or doesn't have a diagnosis, or accepts or rejects it, the tools and skills still apply and can make things "less worse".

The pwBPD in my life is my H's kids' mom, and while we do not have a close or positive relationship (and likely never will), I can say that applying communication approaches that I learned here has made a difference in how many and what kinds of emails we get from her. In the past, H or I would try to reason, cajole, persuade, or "get her to see the light" about her impact on the kids. That would set off her circular arguments, emotional reasoning, blame, anger, and pulling the kids into the conflict. Now, he and I are able to discuss ahead of time what we're okay with and what we expect, and we send B.I.F.F. texts or emails only when necessary. Basically, to "win", we had to find new, non-intuitive ways to step outside of the conflict she seemed to be trying to corner us in. It hasn't been easy, and it took a while, but yes, it's possible to make personal changes to minimize conflict with a pwBPD.

This is helpful to understand more about the typical conflict between you and your H:

I absolutely feel this:I feel like our arguments go in circles because I respond, he gets upset, I ask how I could have responded better, then he repeats what I did but in his own words. There is no winning.

I'm curious if you've tried different approaches at the part where typically you say "how could I have responded better"? I'm thinking that could be a place to try something new, and see if it works better for you. There are other options for sure.

Hang in there -- although it can be hard work on our end, change is not impossible.

-kells76