Feeling defeated

[Caedo]

A little background, my wife had weight loss surgery done in 2020, the surgeon took out too much stomach, leaving her constantly nauseated, frequently vomiting, and essentially immunocompromised. I was in grad school at the time and finished this last December(the experience was hard on both of us and our 2 kids). I'm currently transitioning between jobs and am working 2x8s and 3x12s. We've been together since 2009 and married since 2015. We've had our share of problems but I feel like we usually do ok. When we've had fights a lot of it came down to ineffective communication. For a long time my wife had great insight into how she would react to different situations and was consciously making attempts to control explosive reactions. My wife had always shown signs of bpd but recently received an official diagnosis from a therapist and psychiatrist. She first said she was concerned that I would think she was crazy and use it against her but I reassured her that it didn't change anything. But now she has begun to use the diagnosis to support a lack of effort to communicate effectively and blame me for triggering her because I "know she has bpd and how she'll react".

This morning I got home from work and she was sleeping on the couch and before I could even say hello she woke up and told me the wifi wasn't working, wanting me to fix it. I asked her how the couch was (she's been sleeping on the couch most nights lately which bugs me because it feels like she's pulling away emotionally). She immediately became upset saying I was being passive aggressive which I admitted I was and apologized. She insulted me for a few minutes before I quietly fixed the wifi and went to our room while she went back to sleep. When my 10 year old was getting ready for school she and my wife got in an argument because her cell phone was locked. The 10 year old tried to get me to do it and said her mom was being grumpy. I said "sorry kiddo, but I'm not going to do it when mom just said no". When the kids left to walk to school (2 blocks away) my wife came back to talk saying she didn't appreciate how I said "sorry" to our daughter and agreed with her that my wife was being grumpy. I tried to explain that I was talking about how I was supporting he r(wife) by saying I wouldn't unlock the phone after she had just been told by her mom that her phone wouldn't be unlocked since she wasn't ready for school. I was told that I was siding with our daughter against my wife, that I'm always being passive aggressive, that I want people to think I'm nice when I'm really just mean, that I would tell her she was overreacting and crazy, and that I never take responsibility for how I act. I defended myself a bit before hugging her, apologizing again, and trying to calmly talk things over. She insisted to talk about why her sleeping on the couch bothered me so I told her. She said I shouldn't hold it against her. I never told her not to sleep on the couch and fully expected her to keep doing so when she felt she needed to. My attempts to smooth things over didn't work, she continued to insult me until I left the room and went to sleep.

When I woke up we eventually continued the conversation where she told me my arguments were stupid, that I shouldn't expect to fix things during an argument (wtf?), that I should expect explosive reactions from her because she has bpd, and if I didn't then we won't work. She then told me she found out earlier in the day her grandma's heart failure is getting worse and they're not expecting her to last much longer. I am not the type of person to keep fighting when I know she needs my support so I gave her my support, we put the fight to the side, and stopped talking about it without a resolution.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I am never allowed to be upset or angry because my wife will take any negative energy she senses and throw everything back on me. She tells me to voice if I'm upset about something but if I do it turns into a fight. I refuse to have explosive arguments with her. I learned a long time ago to not say things out of anger because they're hurtful obviously and she will remember them and hold it against me for eternity. I still love her but she is returning to old bad habits, and I am getting so tired of being her punching bag.


Tl;dr: wife received bpd diagnosis, now uses it as a shield against criticism while being verbally aggressive.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi Caedo, welcome to the boards -- glad you reached out for support. You are sounding so tired, and anyone would be in your situation, coping with the conflicts and aggression for so long.

I'm guessing your W received her official BPD diagnosis through a therapist; is she still seeing the same therapist? Have you been able to be involved with that therapy, or speak with that therapist at all?

You mention that one of your kids is 10; how old is your other kid?

And do you have a therapist of your own right now?

...

pwBPD (people with BPD) can have extra-high validation needs and low ability to support others in stressful times. One typical story you may hear here goes like "My dad was in the hospital, and my BPD girlfriend made it all about her". It's a similar dynamic to you wanting to be able to express your anger, but your W seeming to have few to no skills to field that. "On paper" she may be able to verbalize "you should tell me when you're upset" -- as theoretically it sounds good -- but when it actually happens, her emotional needs are so high that she turns to unhealthy approaches (escalating conflict) to get her needs met.

So you're trying to lean pretty far the other way -- have no conflicts -- and it's leaving you worn down.

I think we're on the same page that you just stuffing your frustration won't help anyone -- you, her, the kids, your family -- in the long run. So

Is she open to any kind of marriage/relational counseling, maybe in conjunction with her individual counseling? I'm wondering if having a skilled, neutral third party mediate your conflicts could help you express yourself and help her feel like she still has buy-in and isn't being "victimized".

In my experience, my H's kids' mom (who has many BPD traits) wouldn't hear any kind of feedback from either of us about her impact on the kids. But, when she chose a counselor for the kids, she actually started to make some positive changes, because I believe the T was able to pitch changes to her in a way that bolstered her self image instead of coming across as shaming. For example, I suspect the T somehow communicated to her: "You're obviously a good mom, and let me, the expert, tell you what good moms like you do -- they follow the parenting plan and work together with the other parent".

I think that is the only reason why she worked together with H for a while -- a neutral third party that she had buy-in with and trusted, told her what to do in a non-shaming way. And, weirdly enough, I suspect that Mom maybe thought the T was absolutely reaming H a new one, so that gave her more buy-in to do what the T wanted. The T did give H some HW but it was nothing crazy. But the very fact that the T could tell Mom "Yes, I have all kinds of things I'm telling H to do" might have helped.

If your W is anything similar, I wonder if having a MC meet with both of you, both individually and together -- and having the MC "publicly" give you your HW first -- could help her be more open to working on the specific task of building listening skills and accepting hearing when you are upset. When the pwBPD doesn't feel "ganged up on" and feels like "well the MC is making my spouse do stuff, I guess I'm OK with the process", then sometimes there can be positive changes.

Thoughts?

[Caedo]

My wife did get the diagnosis through the therapist and has been seeing the same one. Thankfully after this post they had a meeting when my W was calm enough to be receptive to constructive criticism. The T went as far as to say my W had been abusive towards me during this conflict and with many others. The T validated my love for my W to have stayed through these conflicts. My wife has refused to see a MC because she is afraid the MC would tell me to get a divorce because of how I've been treated. I feel like her current T both validated those feelings and supported that I'm putting in effort to make the relationship work and am not wanting a divorce.

My W apologized the day after this conflict but then went as far as to praise me for dealing with her outbursts - I don't need or want praise, I just want to be able to talk things out. So right now she doesn't seem like she needs a T to give me my own work because her T inadvertently made my W split, placing me in the "good" category. Unfortunately it will only be a matter of time until I mess up and get put in a "bad" category.

I don't currently have a therapist, I tried one and feel like she wasn't a good fit. I should look around more because venting really does help and I could learn to manage things better.

[kells76]

Hey, thanks for the update.

My wife did get the diagnosis through the therapist and has been seeing the same one. Thankfully after this post they had a meeting when my W was calm enough to be receptive to constructive criticism. The T went as far as to say my W had been abusive towards me during this conflict and with many others. The T validated my love for my W to have stayed through these conflicts. My wife has refused to see a MC because she is afraid the MC would tell me to get a divorce because of how I've been treated. I feel like her current T both validated those feelings and supported that I'm putting in effort to make the relationship work and am not wanting a divorce.

It seems like a lot of important things got discussed out in the open. How did you feel after that session?

My W apologized the day after this conflict but then went as far as to praise me for dealing with her outbursts - I don't need or want praise, I just want to be able to talk things out. So right now she doesn't seem like she needs a T to give me my own work because her T inadvertently made my W split, placing me in the "good" category. Unfortunately it will only be a matter of time until I mess up and get put in a "bad" category.

That's wise of you to not put all your eggs in the basket of "we had one good session and now she's cured forever". You guys didn't get here overnight, and it will likely be a long journey as you turn things around. Keep in mind that the opposite can be true, too: one good session doesn't mean she's "cured", and just because she "paints you black" for a time again doesn't mean "it's all a failure". There will be back and forth in the journey; you're doing well to keep an even keel and see both as part of the process.

I don't currently have a therapist, I tried one and feel like she wasn't a good fit. I should look around more because venting really does help and I could learn to manage things better.

That's happened to me before, too; I knew midway through the first session that we didn't click at all. Smart of you not to keep going with someone you don't connect with. I want to encourage you to keep looking for a T; it can take a try or two, but once you find someone you can work with, it can make a huge difference.

Have you had any luck the last few days with finding someone else?