Birthdays & Holidays

[Annyah702]

For those with bpd children that have removed themselves from you life (or you had to remove yourself from theirs), what, if anything do you do for things like birthdays, mothers/fathers day, Christmas, etc?   It still hurts me so much that she is gone, and I miss her terribly.   I had a few ideas, but most of them just make me start sobbing.  I was curious what others do - since it's different than how you might grieve a death (and that's most of the advice you'd find online). 

Thanks!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

HI Annyah702
I am not in the same situation - my dd comes and goes. I never know if/when it will be permanent.

You clearly have sought out ways to cope with grief and loss - as you say though, most of the time the sources are referring to loss through death.

One thing came to my mind. The grief you carry is always there, in your heart and somewhere in your mind. Birthdays and celebrations bring that grief right to the front of everything. The pain in your heart will explode on these days and the fact of your child not being there will confront you.

So when I thought about it, I wondered if the tears are actually the most real and best response? We need to let that hidden pressure and pain out in some way - and reading between your lines, I think you have tried other ways - so I don't want to suggest things that you probably have tried.

If you reframe these days by allowing yourself to feel the grief and pain and let your emotions be expressed, you might actually be helping yourself carry this huge load.

Just a thought . . . .

[Annyah702]

Thank you Sancho that is probably the most beautiful, honest response.  Thank you.  I would like to find a way to not fall apart every few months at a new holiday, but I think giving myself grace that I DON'T have to have it all together and that I don't have to have it figured out THIS holiday is ok. 

Thank you for kind response
-A

[By Still Water]

   Our child's birthday is Thursday; again, we'll send him our birthday wishes and love. I appreciate Sancho's post.  It never stops hurting, some days more than others. Letting go of what I can't control and living each day in positivity for others have eased the pain.

[Annyah702]

Be still -  My DD has requested no contact, so I can't even wish her a happy birthday anymore.  :*(