Is this typical BPD behavior?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I just want to know if what I'm dealing with falls within the normal range for someone with BPD. My partner was diagnosed with BPD in January, but everyone who knows her has seen her as a certain way for over 20 years. She used to be feisty, bubbly, logical, and kind. Her behavior was always consistent. She raised 2 kids successfully, even though they aren't biologically mine, and she was always a dedicated mother. Our relationship was great for the past 3 years. However, things changed after a family tragedy 2 years ago. At first, I thought it was just depression because she became more withdrawn, spent a lot of time in bed, and stopped doing things she used to enjoy. I stepped in and took care of everything for her during that time. I only stopped when I started feeling burnt out, and then we brought in another family member to help. Eventually, I decided to move to an apartment just 7 minutes away. I gave my partner the keys and told her she was welcome there anytime. I told her I still wanted to help but just couldn't do it full time as I had been. It was starting to affect my work and mental health.

She had mixed feelings about the move. When I got the keys, she even tried to break up with me because she felt like I was trying to abandon her and the kids. I reassured her that wasn't the case and that I simply needed my own space to work from home and recharge so I could continue supporting her. She asked if we could have an open relationship, and since I trusted her and had nothing against nonmonogamy, I agreed. However, I didn't realize how burnt out I was and how much I would need her emotional support during that time.

The nonmonogamy didn't go well. I felt like she was using her new partner as an escape from her life. She became distant and seemed to only care about her new partner. She tried to support me and my emotions, but it eventually made her frustrated and resentful. I was hurt because I had supported her for so long, and it seemed like she was annoyed with me in return.

In April, she broke up with me when I became teary over the nonmonogamy situation. I wasn't abusive or angry; I just needed her support and reassurance. However, she became extremely enraged with me and ended the relationship. After that, she started saying extremely cruel things, which escalated things even further. She tried to push me and left bruises on my arms. It felt like she was taunting or punishing me, and I had never seen this kind of behavior from her before. She even threatened to call my boss and my family, making false accusations of abuse. I know I haven't done anything to deserve this treatment, and I've never been unkind to her.

Since then, she has engaged in numerous behaviors that are completely out of character. I just want to know if this is within the normal range of behavior for someone with BPD, or if there might be something else going on.

Here are some of the things she has done:

- She accused me of stealing money and items from her house, even though there is no proof of this. After breaking up, she came to my apartment multiple times, demanding to take back things she had lent or gifted me, claiming I had "stolen" them. I have been reasonable and offered to buy those things from her, but she still insists I stole everything. Our bank statements don't show any evidence of theft. I have already agreed to pay back anything I borrowed from her and have been making payments.

- She no longer understands how her actions affect me. She used to be very empathetic, but now she becomes enraged when I tell her I can't babysit her dog after she has terrorized me through texts and in person.

- She has said the most horrible things one can say to someone. I have never heard her use this kind of language before with anyone. She told me she wishes I would go kill myself and that she hopes my next partner beats and steals from me. I have never raised my voice to her, let alone used such language. She has also called me hurtful names like "fat cow," "retard," "liar," "thief," and "asshole." She even said that being myself is punishment enough and that the world would be better off without me.

- She claims I trashed her house before moving out, but I was the one who cooked and cleaned. I didn't have a moment to myself while living there, so I didn't have the energy for renovations or redecorating. She was the one who enjoyed doing those things, but she seems unable to see that.

- She has come to my apartment unannounced, banging on the door and yelling at/threatening me.

- She has taken items from my porch, such as Amazon packages, potted plants, and other decorations. When I confront her about it, she denies it, but I've seen some of the items at her house.

- She is refusing to let me retrieve any of my things from her house, despite her coming over and taking things from my home without permission. She says that because of "what I did," I have no right to my belongings. I still don't know what I did to her. She even threatens that I'll never see her or the kids again if I bring a police escort to retrieve my belongings.

- She has been talking about me to our mutual friends, claiming that I abused the kids and her and stole from her.

There's probably more, but I swear I haven't done anything to deserve this treatment. All I asked for was a little more emotional support when things got tough for me, just as I had provided for her. When I lived with her, I paid market rent, bought groceries, contributed to expenses, and did household chores and childcare. Despite all that, she still claims I owe her money and that I stole from her. I never picked fights, and when I complained, it was to express my needs. I was kind to her kids and treated them like my own. They still ask to see me. I never took advantage of anything she did for me. We have multiple friends and family members that can back this up.

I'm starting to question my sanity, wondering if I did something terribly wrong but I'm in deep denial. Is it common for someone with BPD to behave so extremely without any apparent reason? I've tried everything to change her mind, even providing concrete evidence (like bank statements and witnesses) to contradict her claims, but she just ignores it. Could this just be a bad split, and will she eventually realize what she has done?

[CarlieHorse]

I just want to know if what I'm dealing with falls within the normal range for someone with BPD. My partner was diagnosed with BPD in January, but everyone who knows her has seen her as a certain way for over 20 years. She used to be feisty, bubbly, logical, and kind. Her behavior was always consistent. She raised 2 kids successfully, even though they aren't biologically mine, and she was always a dedicated mother. Our relationship was great for the past 3 years. However, things changed after a family tragedy 2 years ago. At first, I thought it was just depression because she became more withdrawn, spent a lot of time in bed, and stopped doing things she used to enjoy. I stepped in and took care of everything for her during that time. I only stopped when I started feeling burnt out, and then we brought in another family member to help. Eventually, I decided to move to an apartment just 7 minutes away. I gave my partner the keys and told her she was welcome there anytime. I told her I still wanted to help but just couldn't do it full time as I had been. It was starting to affect my work and mental health.

She had mixed feelings about the move. When I got the keys, she even tried to break up with me because she felt like I was trying to abandon her and the kids. I reassured her that wasn't the case and that I simply needed my own space to work from home and recharge so I could continue supporting her. She asked if we could have an open relationship, and since I trusted her and had nothing against nonmonogamy, I agreed. However, I didn't realize how burnt out I was and how much I would need her emotional support during that time.

The nonmonogamy didn't go well. I felt like she was using her new partner as an escape from her life. She became distant and seemed to only care about her new partner. She tried to support me and my emotions, but it eventually made her frustrated and resentful. I was hurt because I had supported her for so long, and it seemed like she was annoyed with me in return.

In April, she broke up with me when I became teary over the nonmonogamy situation. I wasn't abusive or angry; I just needed her support and reassurance. However, she became extremely enraged with me and ended the relationship. After that, she started saying extremely cruel things, which escalated things even further. She tried to push me and left bruises on my arms. It felt like she was taunting or punishing me, and I had never seen this kind of behavior from her before. She even threatened to call my boss and my family, making false accusations of abuse. I know I haven't done anything to deserve this treatment, and I've never been unkind to her.

Since then, she has engaged in numerous behaviors that are completely out of character. I just want to know if this is within the normal range of behavior for someone with BPD, or if there might be something else going on.

Here are some of the things she has done:

- She accused me of stealing money and items from her house, even though there is no proof of this. After breaking up, she came to my apartment multiple times, demanding to take back things she had lent or gifted me, claiming I had "stolen" them. I have been reasonable and offered to buy those things from her, but she still insists I stole everything. Our bank statements don't show any evidence of theft. I have already agreed to pay back anything I borrowed from her and have been making payments.

- She no longer understands how her actions affect me. She used to be very empathetic, but now she becomes enraged when I tell her I can't babysit her dog after she has terrorized me through texts and in person.

- She has said the most horrible things one can say to someone. I have never heard her use this kind of language before with anyone. She told me she wishes I would go kill myself and that she hopes my next partner beats and steals from me. I have never raised my voice to her, let alone used such language. She has also called me hurtful names like "fat cow," "retard," "liar," "thief," and "asshole." She even said that being myself is punishment enough and that the world would be better off without me.

- She claims I trashed her house before moving out, but I was the one who cooked and cleaned. I didn't have a moment to myself while living there, so I didn't have the energy for renovations or redecorating. She was the one who enjoyed doing those things, but she seems unable to see that.

- She has come to my apartment unannounced, banging on the door and yelling at/threatening me.

- She has taken items from my porch, such as Amazon packages, potted plants, and other decorations. When I confront her about it, she denies it, but I've seen some of the items at her house.

- She is refusing to let me retrieve any of my things from her house, despite her coming over and taking things from my home without permission. She says that because of "what I did," I have no right to my belongings. I still don't know what I did to her. She even threatens that I'll never see her or the kids again if I bring a police escort to retrieve my belongings.

- She has been talking about me to our mutual friends, claiming that I abused the kids and her and stole from her.

There's probably more, but I swear I haven't done anything to deserve this treatment. All I asked for was a little more emotional support when things got tough for me, just as I had provided for her. When I lived with her, I paid market rent, bought groceries, contributed to expenses, and did household chores and childcare. Despite all that, she still claims I owe her money and that I stole from her. I never picked fights, and when I complained, it was to express my needs. I was kind to her kids and treated them like my own. They still ask to see me. I never took advantage of anything she did for me. We have multiple friends and family members that can back this up.

I'm starting to question my sanity, wondering if I did something terribly wrong but I'm in deep denial. Is it common for someone with BPD to behave so extremely without any apparent reason? I've tried everything to change her mind, even providing concrete evidence (like bank statements and witnesses) to contradict her claims, but she just ignores it. Could this just be a bad split, and will she eventually realize what she has done?

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[kells76]

Hi CarlieHorse, you're in the right place to get support and feedback about this really difficult time in your life. You're definitely among friends here.

Just off the top of my head, while there certainly could be something else going on (psychotic break, substance abuse, biological brain issues, etc), and I'm not a doctor or professional, yes, the things you're describing sound familiar, and aren't out of the realm of BPD type behaviors.

I can recall multiple members here whose SO seemed "mostly okay" for a while, but after an intense or traumatic event (car crash, natural disaster, and family death come to mind), exhibited strong BPD traits like blame, rage, paranoia, shifting between neurotic behavior and psychotic behavior (not like "psycho killer", but more like "not in touch with reality"), impulsiveness, violence, and extreme thinking and emotions.

In a way, whatever is causing that behavior, whatever the label is, it's impacting you deeply. The fact that she received a diagnosis, though, certainly puts some pieces together.

Is it common for someone with BPD to behave so extremely without any apparent reason? I've tried everything to change her mind, even providing concrete evidence (like bank statements and witnesses) to contradict her claims, but she just ignores it. Could this just be a bad split, and will she eventually realize what she has done?

Are you wondering if it's worth it to "wait it out", in a sense?

Hard to say. Shame is a big part of BPD, and people suffering from BPD struggle to look at what they've really done and take responsibility for it or make amends -- the shame can be too much. "Forgetting it happened" and blaming others ("you made me do it") are often the low-skill ways that pwBPD cope with how they've been hurtful. It can be disappointing to hope that a pwBPD will have insight into hurtful behavior and truly apologize -- that kind of insight is something that the disorder "inhibits" by definition, as pwBPD often have little to no sense of self, and if you don't experience yourself as a self able to make choices, then it'll be really difficult to take responsibility for behavior.

That being said, do you know how your partner took the diagnosis (accepting of it, in denial, other...)? And is your partner in any kind of treatment? While treatment isn't a magic wand, long term engagement with something like DBT can have an impact, though it's definitely not a "I did 6 sessions and now I'm cured" kind of thing.

Even more importantly -- are you seeing a counselor or therapist at all? When there's a pwBPD in our lives, we need all the support and grounding we can get, as like you're experiencing, we can be left questioning our own sanity instead (I've been there, too).

Know that you're not alone here; so many members have been through the wringer like you, and we're here for you as you figure out what you want in your life going forward.

Keep us posted;

kells76