Hello BPDFamily,
First time posting here, been married to my wife of 4 years now, we have a 14 month old.
I have Adhd, was diagnosed in college and take vyvanse to help manage symptoms.
My wife's family was enmeshed growing up, still is really, with a very controlling and manipulative mother. She was in a mentally and physically abusive relationship in high-school and her 1st year of college that eventually ended with her filing a restraining order on the guy. She was later in a different relationship in college where the guy left and said she was to much.
She has low self esteem, diagnosed anxiety, depression and OCD. She also has chronic migraine issues and is prescribed special medication for them. They tend to get worse with her stress. She is generally a very black and white logical thinker unless she's triggered, than there is no more logical thinking it's only emotion. She says she always been told her whole life that she's a burden or to much, of which she has internalized, I feel like she tends to act out in ways to try to validate that self view of herself.
I've know my wife since we were younger through my cousin and we've always had a thing for each other.
When we started dating things moved quickly. Moved into her apartment after 5 ish months engaged after like 9 months. Married after 18 total months ish and built a new house.
When we started dating she just finished up her undergrad, was working out with a friend of hers multiple times a week and was very confident. She then had a heart issue where there was an extra current that caused her heart rate to spike which caused her to need surgery to remedy it. This happened while she was working out which I think caused some anxiety around working out, so she stopped. From when we started to date up until after having our daughter she's struggled with weight. I don't mind it, I still find her very attractive and sexy but she has very Low self esteem and body shames herself a lot. I try to help by first stating I love her and her body and then ask what I can do to help, offering walks/working out together but it never seems to work or stick.
When we married she was continuing her education (masters followed by doctorate in education/curriculum). School was her hobby her entire life. I was basically a primary care taker to help her through that schooling while she still had a full time job as a high school math teacher. Her doctorate program was excelerated, year round including summer.
I've had a steady job at a fortune 500 company prior to us dating and continue to grow/thrive there. So it's not like I didn't have my own full time job.
Throughout the earlier years there would be things I'd say or do that would trigger her into screaming outbursts of emotion where she'd storm out of the apartment. I'd be stuck an anxious mess not knowing what I did wrong to cause such an emotional reaction.
We started couples Counseling to work on communication. Where I feel things have gotten better I still feel like I never know what emotional state I'm going to get with my wife. I can do everything possible to support her and the baby while she's anxious about her job and the end of the school year but if I do or say one thing that triggers/sets her off everything else I had done previously didn't matter. Because in that moment I made her mad.
She never feels like she's in the wrong and I constantly have to apologize for things when I don't always feel like I'm in the wrong. It's so bad that I find myself apologizing for things at work that I can't control, and my boss says, "there's no reason to apologize, its not on you or something you can control. "
I feel like I have basically no independence, if I go to a different room in the house to her for more than 10-15 min i get a where are you text.
I played sand volleyball 2 times a week when we started dating and subbed at least 1-2 times. I understood that when we got married that I wouldn't be able to do those things as much. I eventually cut it down to 1 time a week and she constantly tells me that she feels like I choose volleyball or my friends over her. And when she says friends over her, I play magic the gathering maybe 1 time every 1 or 2 months, sometimes once every 3 months depending on schedules.
I used to be the go with the flow life of the party type person. I was the in person friend who was always down to hang out. I no longer have that as throughout the relationship she would get anxious when I would go out and she'd want me to come home. Or say she missed me. Keep in mind that I invited her to all of these things. She was peopled out and never wanted to go. Now I feel like I hardly do anything with my old friend groups.
I get the, "you don't love me" or the "why do you love me" or "you can't leave me" or the "you have to love me", "you knew this when you married me" constantly. Or the you used to do xyz to show that you loved me and now you don't do it anymore. That is most recently become a thing, but when I have to take care of her and our baby I don't have time to do all the things I did before.
I cook all of our meals/do all the meal prep and cleaning afterwords, I pick up all of our meds and groceries. Take our dogs/daughter to appointments, make phone calls to setup appointments, etc. She says she doesn't like talking to people.
I heat up basically all of our meals throughout the day, if I don't or challenge her she gets upset and says something like I have a migraine or I don't feel could and makes me feel guilty when trying to set boundaries.
At the beginning I told myself that it was only because she was doing her masters, then it was because of her doctorate, then pregnant, then recovering from a c section. She pumped and I fed/took care of our baby every time she woke up at night. She never helped and when I asked she said she had to wake up 2 times to Pump so I should be the one to take care of the baby.
Now that she's off work she's home with our baby full time. The way she acts after I get off work is like our baby was to much, she says things like "idk what she was on today ".
Like she's a baby and I took care of her every day but 1 day a week for volleyball when I got off work. And on that one day, her parents always came over to help her with our baby. They still do most of the time.
Yesterday she was sick on Father's day but still made an effort to do things for me. I told her I appreciated it so much. This morning she got me breakfast again because the place I wanted yesterday didn't do takeout on Father's day. When she got back she started to feed our daughter and we both were getting things setup for us at the kitchen table. I offered to help her feed our baby so it wasn't all on her. She took that as I was going to do it all and she was off the hook. When I tried to ask why she was sitting on the other side of the table away from our daughter she flipped out at me. Saying how she feels like what she does is never enough, which in reality it's not, but i try not to push her because of her emotional state and not knowing what I'll get.
She walked out of the room and has been in the bedroom all morning leaving me like usual to take care of our child.
It really is like I'm a parent to two I feel like and if she doesn't get her way she always throws a tantrum. Most of the time I let things go because i am easy going, but the few times I try to stand up for myself, well it doesn't feel worth it because of the reaction I get.
My brother in law a few weeks back said to me that him and his parents felt like I take it to easy on her and that I should push back more. I think the issue there is that I have tried and the emotional responses I get back don't seem worth it.
I know I can't continue like this forever though so thats why I'm doing more reading and I found this site.
I feel like I'm in a constant Rollercoaster of emotions, highs and lows and I'm always on eggshells.
I know this is a lot to read, I do want to mention we both have individual therapists as well as one joint one. I feel like I may need to look for a new one soon though as I don't feel I'm getting the feedback I need for this aspect. The advice isn't there. Just validation of my feelings which is somewhat helpful, but I need solutions/steps to take.
I love her so much, I just don't want to live on this rollercoaster my entire life.
Instead of drugs or some other addiction, I think hers was honestly work/education. I felt she put those things above me and our relationship for a very long time. Now I feel like it's reading. All she wants to do this year is read, she's probably read 50 books and bought about 30 so far.
I would much rather her want to read than other things though so it's hard. I want her to have that hobby but also not overdue it.
I feel as this type of volatile relationship continues, my patience and ability to empathize when my wife has her "triggers" becomes less and less. I put triggers in quotes because I feel it's a fine line between triggers and unknowingly attempting self sabotage on the relationship.
I know this is a lot, I think this youtube video sums up my relationship well in the high level flow/ what they say are the 7 stages of a bpd relationship.
https://youtu.be/W50-F65tbBE
