BOUNDARIES

[Staylor]

Hi...

So I don't really know where to start...

I have been dating my partner on and off for 4 years... As you know, the love bombing stage was great, everything seemed perfect... I was made aware of her mental health issues by her as she was very upfront from the start... however as you know these things reveal themselves more as time goes on...

Everything was great.. we got on like a house on fire, had loads of similar interests, she has two children that I was over the moon to be involved with... we moved pretty fast... again probably a mistake...

I guess there were red flags in the beginning... some episodes of verbal / physical aggression...
I'll be honest I was like a deer in the headlights when it first happened and instantly blamed myself...

However we talked about how it wasn't right to treat people like that and what to do to manage it moving forward...

She had also just begun her journey with the local CMHT... that told me that she wanted to get better and get help with her mental health... great. thats positive.

During this time she ended up going to the states to visit some family... it was really difficult for us both. She was looking after 2 new born babies and I could see she wasn't having a good time... I was left looking after her two kids and a dog... and I missed her dearly...

Then the paranoia started while she was out there...

I tried my best to re-assure her of her paranoia while she was there "thought people were watching her" "that her sister was talking about her negatively"...

However she broke, she went out on a night out and was sexually assaulted... she didn't tell me till months after she came home... I knew something was bad at the time so I got her on a flight home to protect her... floods of tears... emotional outbursts...

I came to the airport and she had visibly lost a lot of weight... and was drinking far to much... I knew something bad had happened but she didn't want to deal with it... she was drinking to block out the pain... this lead to a lot of friction in our relationship...

However she continued with therapy and ended up being accepted for DBT...

When she did eventually tell me, she fled... she ran and rarely came home for 8 weeks... it was a very terse time.. I was dealing with the house / kids / her emotional out bursts / guilt /shame.. whilst trying to get my head around what had happened... She was committed and began work with a trauma therapist...

During the following weeks she had also admitted to me about being in love with someone else... she was very upfront... it hurt... but I was allowing it because I knew she had just been through something traumatic... This person eventually moved into the house and I left...

We continued to see each other and chat about everything till the point that I moved back in with her and her new partner... in hindsight it was probably the wrong thing to do... I should have just let the situation play out... but I was worried about her mental health... She since told me that I sabotaged her relationship with this person and was very bitter for a while...

Eventually her new parter moved out and it was back to us again... Things were better... communication was better... she was focusing more on herself and DBT... We would always talk about her sessions and things we needed from each other in order to form a healthy relationship...

Skip to more recently... she wanted to explore her sexuality... common for someone who's been through what she has... and was advised to do so by her therapists... I was a little upset about it but we had a talk about ownership and how sex doesn't = love... She threw herself and all her emotions into someone else... which was the hard part... not the sex... the emotional disconnect...

Also worth mentioning she admitted to sleeping with someone after being assaulted...

She had completed DBT by this point so things seemed more positive... and they were for about 3 months...

Then again her problem behaviours had started again... drinking excessively... not really engaging with her children... drugs...

I could see it all unfolding in front of me...

Skip to a couple of weeks ago... I leave her on a night out... she stays with someone...  and proceeds to tell me she is moving in with this person and taking the kids with her... because of financial reasons... and that the house we live in triggers her...

She has spent the last week working on his static home and living back at his parents... and is planning on taking the kids there to stay indefinitely..

She has come home twice in the past two weeks... in floods of tears and just apologising... I stupidly said I didn't need an explanation and she needs to do whats best for her... I said "I know you are unwell right now" "You don't need to explain or apologise" because the reality is that she is very unwell... shes splitting and is in this cycle of fear... being rejected which is something I would never do...

We are trying to give each other space... and I am trying to use radical acceptance and let the situation play out...

Although DBT has helped her regulate her emotions, its obvious that her BPD is still pretty sever...

During the two weeks I have reassured her that I wouldn't abandon her... I have asked over and over again for a chat to which she says what do we have to talk about... She's expressed she wants to be alone and to not hurt anyone else...

I guess in her eyes her behaviour is unacceptable and she's not worthy of love... I know that this is part of her personality... and I have expressed that to her, that I understand, that I'm not judging her and I am only being compassionate because she's feeling vulnerable...

Right now I'm out of the house... where I was just left with all the memories... I'm back at my mum and dads because I need some breathing room...

We're planning to meet up on Sunday to make music... at this new persons place...

I'm just trying to reassure her that I'm still committed to that part of our relationship...

Its also worth mentioning that she is scared of me leaving her and our relationship ending...

I know I'm not to blame...

Any advice? I guess my main concern is she's making radical life changes in a state of being unwell... it's more the kids I'm worried about than me...

My thinking is staying in the house for as long as possible and see she comes to her senses...

It's only been a couple of weeks but everytime I speak to her shes certain this is what she wants...

Financially we were coping... although it is tough we always pulled together to make it work... now she's saying not to give her what I usually do but I fear that it means rent wont get paid and the house will be gone...

I have also been reading a lot about our dynamic and my fear is that I have been enabling her and been pretty co-dependant...

I guess I am hopeful for change but first I need to accept that this is the dynamic..

[Staylor]

Hello again...

So here goes...

I am starting to piece together why our relationship is where it is...

Boundaries...

How they were crossed, how I allowed them to be crossed and why...

So my partner was diagnosed with BPD just as I met her... She hadn't completed DBT and I think this is where most of the issues started...

She portray all the BPD characteristics... you know.. I would would always want to repair the relationship... Hero dynamic..

It was only once she finished DBT did the subject of boundaries come up... I was lost in the FOG at the time and really didn't put much thought into it...

It has crippled our relationship... I really wish I had read more about BPD at the time... I would have understood boundaries...

I was a doormat for aaaages... its now only just begun to sink in.. (which is hard)

4 years in, 2 other relationships out side of ours and I'm starting to see the damage it has caused...

We are currently on a break and had been for a while, however I was still holding my responsibilities in the house... Kids, caring, dealing with a lot... after her latest drug induced episode she is staying with a male friend and moving her kids there... probably permanent...

This is a new love interest... I have no doubt...

I enabled her to do the things she wanted with little or repercussion... again I was in FOG...

We are talking to tomorrow and I'm going to lay it all out...

I really dont know where to go from here... I don't if boundaries can even be implemented now...

Has anyone else been in this situation? and how did it work out?

[ForeverDad]

However she broke, she went out on a night out and was sexually assaulted... she didn't tell me till months after she came home...

Also worth mentioning she admitted to sleeping with someone after being assaulted...

It's understandable that emotionally she's all over the map.  People with BPD (pwBPD) are emotionally all over the map anyway, but this would be a big trauma.

However I will write a few comments, hopefully you'll accept them as objective observations, they're intended with the best of intentions.

First, you don't conclusively know what actually happened since you weren't there.  PwBPD have been known to wildly exaggerate and obfuscate the full truth.  Hopefully she brought back with her the police report or witness statements and that would support what happened.  Even if it did happen as she claimed, you may never know whether her actions and choices placed her at risk in such a bad situation.

You wrote that she separately slept with someone afterward while she was away, and is currently with a new partner.  It is your decision whether that is a deal breaker for you.  If you were married (a typical obligated relationship) this would be a valid basis to end the relationship, even without blaming the end on any specific issues.

Skip to a couple of weeks ago... I leave her on a night out... she stays with someone...  and proceeds to tell me she is moving in with this person and taking the kids with her... because of financial reasons... and that the house we live in triggers her...

During the two weeks I have reassured her that I wouldn't abandon her...

And all you did was be apart for one night?  You won't abandon her but she's abandoned you for another guy, for now?

Sounds like she has you quietly simmering on the back burner while she has other guys cooking on the front burner, that's a stove/cooking analogy.  Can you realistically see a lasting future with her?

[ForeverDad]

Are you familiar with how we set Boundaries?  Many pwBPD resist boundaries and even if they initially agree, the efforts often don't last long.  Therefore, the boundaries we set are for us to follow.  A poor but very simple example is something like this:  "If you do or don't do ___ then I will do or not do ___."  Of course, not said too bluntly.  Over on our Tools & Skills Workshops board we have a couple topics on Boundaries.  Also this link:

Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits