foolserrand
Fewer than 3 Posts
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 1
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« on: July 03, 2023, 01:01:02 PM » |
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any chance to break the cycle?
hello, first post it’s gonna be a loonnngggg one.
TLDR
i (26f, probs ADHD, intense disorganized attachment, formerly MDD) broke up with my dBPD ex (f25, formerly MDD, in therapy/DBT) about a month ago. break up was GNARLY and chaotic, but since then we have both expressed care for one another and regret about what happened and how. we have plans to meet up in august to talk things out, since there’s a lot of confusion on both ends (we were both off the deep end RE disregulation). i’ve expressed that i love her, but don’t want to get back together bc of the codependency, incompatible needs RE space/alone time, and our own distinct growing edges—mine RE disorganized attachment and hers RE DBT skills). she “appreciates knowing where i’m at” but thinks our needs are less incompatible than i do, and that we just need to set clearer/healthier boundaries, be more proactive w DBT skills, etc. and have the potential to heal and grow together. i don’t disagree, but have refrained from saying so bc i don’t want to create more space for ambiguity/hurt/confusion/false hope during an already overwhelmingly painful breakup. way more details and info below, but am just trying to get insight/input from people with personal experience w BPD (either as pw or nons) about the prospects for our relationship and the legitimacy of our connection. i have a great support network but a lot of my venting/advice-seeking has turned into educating my loved ones about what BPD is and how it actually works (thanks ADHD hyperfixation and excessive research) beyond the stigmatizing high-level narratives around it.
FULL STORY
we dated for 4 months and she was open about her diagnosis from the start. i did a ton of research about BPD during the relationship and since we broke up. during that time she found a new therapist who specializes in BPD and leads a DBT group she also joined. she loves it and says it’s the first time she’s been excited and optimistic about therapy. there’d been discussion of her trying out new meds since her prior ones had bad side effects, and for me to join therapy sessions sometimes once she’d established her relationship with the new therapist more. she has a few long term close friends, and one best friend who she dated for 3 years, 3 years ago but who i don’t think is an FP anymore, not rlly any family. she has a stable job she rlly likes, a bunch of hobbies she rotates through, and no substance or physical SH issues.
overall, the relationship was quite good. i feel positively about it and her. she’s genuinely one of the kindest, most generous, funniest, smartest (i could go on) people i’ve met. we have a very strong connection and high compatibility about what we want from our lives and partnership. i’ve always been an extremely emotionally intense person, so in some ways the BPD was a good match bc i am just as loving, romantic, loyal, and can understand the intensity of the negative emotions as well from my own past issues w severe, all-consuming disregulation in the face of loss/rejection. it was very affirming/healing for me to have a partner who genuinely appreciated my love letters/tender voice notes for no reason, playlists, acts of service, etc. instead of being told i am “way too much.” i’ve dated people with BPD before and with her it felt like more than the standard passionate idealization trauma bond. she also reflected that her connection felt different than her prior relationships—that she was able to more readily make space for my flaws and shortcomings, and valued me as a person rather than just what i could do for her/how i made her feel. nonetheless, i definitely became her FP and it led to problems w boundaries and codependency.
we worked hard to communicate about her symptoms and episodes. i let her incendiary, mean comments (she never really devalued me but would just get v sad, insecure, accusatory, self-hating, push me away) roll off until she was ready to talk things out. however, i did not set or maintain healthy boundaries—a super codependent pattern was emerging. she was locked in on “i am able to make this progress [there was A LOT and i was/am so so proud of her] in regulation and vunerability BECAUSE my partner is available to help me” rather than recognizing her own growth and strength. i took pride in being there for her, being understanding, patient, supportive. after she’d lash out, she’d usually show up at my apartment unannounced to reconnect/repair, and i failed to create boundaries around how that wasn’t okay, and compromised my own plans/alone time to be present. i’d think “i’m proud of her to coming back to work things out” and wouldn’t say “hey, i actually have to get ready for work right now, can i call you tonight,” or “i’m falling sleep and lack of sleep inhibits my own ability to emotionally regulate. could we talk on the phone tomorrow morning instead?” etc.
we broke up very suddenly, during a weekend where we got caught in a trigger-loop. i was disregulated from overstimulation/exhaustion after 2 weeks of travel and remote work. i was also drained from unsustainable methods of support/connection for her while traveling; i used all my downtime to be attentive to her so she didn’t feel disconnected from me, instead of giving myself literally ANY time to rest. she was struggling w her own exhaustion from doing a ton of work to not split on me during my trip (successful, i was so grateful/proud) and having some fear of engulfment from how happy she was for me to be home. we both failed to identify our these preexisting vulnerabilities when she picked me up from the airport. she then felt rejected bc i was subdued/withdrawn even tho i clearly told her “i am super happy to see you and be with you, but am more quiet bc i am having a fatigue flare rn.” i got visibly hurt/upset that she was giving me a hard time for being tired and not offering her usual support and kindness. she felt alone bc i was withdrawn, and guilty bc she wasn’t being a supportive partner (this was a big thing for her, the self-fulfilling prophecy of thinking she was an unsupportive partner—she usually was v supportive tbh—making her act like one) things rapidly spiraled out of control bc both of us refused to give the other space to rest/re-regulate. she’d ask for space, i’d insist on staying with her bc in the past she would spiral and say i had abandoned her after she asked for space. i’d ask for space, she’d say i was abandoning her.
there was an escalating loop where she kept giving me the ultimatum “if you can’t support me at all times whenever i need it, then we aren’t compatible and have to break up” and i said “okay, then we have to break up. i’m telling you i care about you and am not going anywhere, but need to need to rest right now before i can offer you support and you just told me that makes me a bad partner and you don’t want to be with someone like that.” she’d circle back trying to get me to regulate both of us, which i’d fail to do bc i was too disregulated, and so on. after i had a panic attack (one of my worst in years), i said enough was enough and refused to see her, reiterating the break up, despite her begging outside my apartment door for over an hour.
this was our 3rd big fight, all of which happened when i was disregulated and having my own bad mental health day. this pattern is what made me end things. i do not mind being the strong, grounded one most of the time, but it was way too problematic to be in a relationship where i not only couldn’t count on my partner for support, but that they’d split on me if i asked for space to support myself or lean on my friends/family. i never did this with animosity or resentment. part of why i felt equipped to enter into a relationship w a pwBPD was bc i have such a huge social ecosystem i could lean on outside of my partner in times of need.
we’ve touched base a few times since the breakup and this is where things currently stand: we’re going to meet up and talk about that final weekend sometime in august so we can both have more clarity and understanding of what went wrong, bc it was so intense and we both feel a ton of shame and confusion about what went down. it’s mostly NC, but there’s no blocking or hostility. we’re allowed to reach out to each other, but she knows i won’t really respond other than to answer logistical questions.
i’ve expressed that i love her, but don’t want to get back together bc i think we have fundamental incompatibilities around needs to space/alone/friend time, and that she needs to focus on building her DBT/regulation skills independently without seeing me as her primary motivation/support. she says that she loves me and thinks we can work things out with more intentional communication and boundaries, that she wants to understand and meet my needs. a significant change is that she went from her usual “i cannot wait for anything or i will DIE, if we’re not getting back together you need to tell me NOW so i can move on/rebound/etc” to “i understand that we might have to be broken up for more than these few months for me to work on my DBT and you to work on your codependency, and that is okay bc i think our connection is worth it and i want it to be healthy.” from the get go (before i even said anything about my own values) she emphasized how important independence, alone time, and autonomy were to her in an adult relationship, and how she had put a lot of work into enjoying her own company and creating hobbies/routines after her last break up. she was always supportive of me doing my own thing. the repeated issue would be that then her nervous system would start freaking out about abandonment and she’d get intrusive thoughts or dissociate bc of the lack of emotional object permanence—so we’d end up with her splitting or some kind of other outburst. we’d made progress on ways i could offer support and affirmation to carry her through our separations, but we were doing it in a way that was unsustainable for me/my needs, which i admittedly did not communicate to her.
i guess idk about how much hope to have, and after intense lurking/reading on here and reddit, feel both more informed and also more confused. i have doubts about how much of our relationship/connection is real, or if she’s just mirroring my own healthier views while idealizing me—and i’m eating it up bc of my own issues and desperation for connection. we both “have never felt like this about someone before” but that’s a rejoinder that gets thrown around all over BPD forums. she’s quite self-aware and motivated to recover and to make space for my emotions and needs in the relationship, but in the heat of the moment reveals concerning beliefs about healing for me rather than herself, that our relationship is the key to her recovery, etc. i know that’s typical of BPD, but it makes me uneasy. there’s a lot of advice to “get out while you can” in the early stages, that whatever i think about our connection isn’t real, etc. but i also recognize the value of the passion, loyalty, curiosity, empathy, hunger to create a good life that she brings to the table bc of her own struggles and experiences. i also appreciate that being in a relationship w a pwBPD requires both parties to remain actively engaged, communicative, and attentive to the connection. my #1 issue in past relationships was that my exes were very complacent and passive, while i wanted to be with someone who recognized love as a practice and conscious decision, rather than something that just “happens” until it doesn’t. my ex had expressed these same thoughts/priorities long before i ever vocalized them to her. i am aware that even w her BPD in remission down the road, our relationship would never be a fully “normal” one, which i am fine with. it’s against my values to just dispose of people bc of their neurodivergence, illness be it physical or mental, past mistakes, etc. i am an extremely nurturing, patient, understanding, and grounded person who likes to provide for and support the people i love. i’ve put a TON of work (thanks IFS) into knowing myself, my triggers, my limits, and am usually a very regulated person so long as i am caring for myself well. i have work to do to balance those caretaking impulses in a sustainable way, but also know i have a lot to offer a partner, esp a pwBPD. i’m also taking time to articulate to myself what i really want from a relationship, where my independence ends and my avoidant attachment traits start; where my desire for connection ends and my codependent/anxious attachment traits start. a lot was going on in my own system entering into a relationship again after 2 years single, but i also struggled with the pressure to be perfect and infallible in my partner’s eyes.
i’m not ending this with a super specific question beyond the title. i have a large, receptive support network, but i am curious about what other folks with experience w BPD and pwBPD have to say about it and our prospects.
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