Money situation

[Chief Drizzt]

I’ll try to not make this too drawn out:

My 85 yo mother recently asked me for some help financially because she is only on social security and can’t pay a couple of her bills.  I agreed to help.

When I told my BPD wife this she flipped out.  Let me just say that financially it’s not too much of a lift to help.  My wife says though we have a lot saved it’s earmarked for things.  For example helping our daughter pay for college.  She also freaked out and said that if I helped my mom that it meant I loved her more than my wife. 

I had kicked around the idea of not telling my wife and just paying the bills on my personal c/c (because I could hide that) but just didn’t feel right about keeping secrets from my wife.  Now I’m in a bind - because I really feel it is my responsibility to help my mom (I’m an only child). 

What do you all think - should I have kept her in the dark on this?

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[GaGrl]

This is a difficult decision, even when someone wit BPD isn't involved.

Have you had a complete review of your mother's finances and her current living/medical situation? This might be the place to start.

At some point, depending on your mother's needs, you might need to arrange for long-term care. Your wife needs to be part of the discussion if it affects her. If it does not (VA care, medicare, etc.), she does not need to participate.

[Notwendy]

Agree with GaGirl-- the issue appears to be about money but IMHO, there are emotions and family dynamics involved with financial decisions like this.

I have what seems like two opposite parents- my mother in law and my BPD mother.

MIL leans to the co-dependent side, in general, kind and caring and doesn't want to spend money on herself, but has enabled some other family members by giving money to them. My H helped her with some minor expenses. I think it's fine that he helped her. Where I had an issue ( it was minor as it wasn't a lot of money) with it is that, she was still enabling other family members financially, so his help enabled this. Still, there were other aspects to consider- this was his mother, it didn't hurt us financially and he wanted to help her. Since we didn't live close enough to help in other ways frequently, this was how he felt he could do it. There was an emotional component to this decision for him. It was important to consider that.

My BPD mother has had a lot more money than MIL has and has mismanaged it. We have tried to discuss financial management with her and she doesn't seem concerned about overspending. We don't want to enable this behavior.

The family dynamics aren't going to change at this point though and so we have to consider the situation at hand. Unless we are completely detached from a parent, none of us would want to see a parent go without their basic needs- food, heat, clothing. I don't know what bills you are helping with but there's an emotional difference between considering paying the heating bill, and the credit card bill for uncontrolled spending.

You do need to preserve your own savings and also take care of your family, college expenses and other needs. On the other hand, if your parent needs food or rent, that's a consideration too. I think it's good that you didn't keep this a secret from your wife but discussing this with someone with BPD is a challenge.

One area where I think money is well spent in your mother's situation is to consult with an elder care attorney about what resources are available for your mother. If she is self directed still, she would need to be a part of this too. Make sure you have the necessary documents such as a power of attorney if she's unable to make her own decisions. If she is only receiving social security, she would likely be eligible for Medicaid if she needs long term care. Some states allow for Medicaid covered care at home and other assistance. If she doesn't need this now, at least you have this information in case she does need it. See what assistance she qualifies for, then you can decide on what you would help with. The consultation isn't inexpensive but it might result in your mother accessing available resources.