grieving, angry, hurt, he won't pay me back

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Over the last few months my ex-h and I stopped talking. Our conversations would get heated at times as he would go from clingy to pushing me away to desperate. He realised over time that I did not want to talk to him anymore. I made the mistake of being too communicative, too clear with my expectations (that I eventually wanted to cut contact), and a month and a half ago he sent a goodbye message saying it would be the last I'd hear of him and he wishes me a nice life.

He had promised to send me $4k back and still hasn't. I've been asking his parents and messaging him but no response. It's come to the point where I've had to accept that I will not receive that $4k or the other $6k I loaned him back. I guess it was a huge and expensive mistake. Now I think I will not badger him or his family again is best as none of them seem to care.

I'm more so angry that he is doing this, so angry that he has betrayed me in a financial way. I know it's just money and I know I can make more. It just hurts, to know that someone you trusted can do something like this. The anger and pain from the emotional abuse is already so much, and I will randomly remember the hurtful and abusive things he has said to me and break down. This past week has been hard, and I'm not sure why.

He has sent me my painting so that was a symbol that we were okay. I guess I was looking for another symbol which meant more to me—which is the money. It's so easy to just keep it, so I guess he chose to do that.

I didn't deserve any of this from the relationship and my heart breaks for anyone who is going through something similar or the same. My heart is reluctant to open up again to love but I know I'll get there someday.

Sending you all a warm hug right now because I surely need one.

[bluebutterflies]

Over the last few months my ex-h and I stopped talking. Our conversations would get heated at times as he would go from clingy to pushing me away to desperate. He realised over time that I did not want to talk to him anymore. I made the mistake of being too communicative, too clear with my expectations (that I eventually wanted to cut contact), and a month and a half ago he sent a goodbye message saying it would be the last I'd hear of him and he wishes me a nice life.

He had promised to send me $4k back and still hasn't. I've been asking his parents and messaging him but no response. It's come to the point where I've had to accept that I will not receive that $4k or the other $6k I loaned him back. I guess it was a huge and expensive mistake. Now I think I will not badger him or his family again is best as none of them seem to care.

I'm more so angry that he is doing this, so angry that he has betrayed me in a financial way. I know it's just money and I know I can make more. It just hurts, to know that someone you trusted can do something like this. The anger and pain from the emotional abuse is already so much, and I will randomly remember the hurtful and abusive things he has said to me and break down. This past week has been hard, and I'm not sure why.

He has sent me my painting so that was a symbol that we were okay. I guess I was looking for another symbol which meant more to me—which is the money. It's so easy to just keep it, so I guess he chose to do that.

I didn't deserve any of this from the relationship and my heart breaks for anyone who is going through something similar or the same. My heart is reluctant to open up again to love but I know I'll get there someday.

Sending you all a warm hug right now because I surely need one.

[Collaguazo]

Hi bluebutterflies,

My exBPD also owes me some money. It’s not nearly as much but I gave her my old video game console so she could sell it and pay me back later. At the time she was unemployed and really needed the money. I am pretty sure I am not getting it back but it hurts because my brother asked me a few weeks ago if I still have it since he wanted to play some games and can’t afford a new one.

And during the unemployed period, I also paid for her medicines, car repairs, groceries, the vet when her dog got sick, etc. I didn’t want those things to be repaid but it hurts a lot when I remember all the abusive things she said and how she was grateful for 2 seconds and later say I don’t care about her and that I never do anything to help her…. Also as a “punishment” for my behavior she refused to give me my birthday present.

It’s so unfair and frustrating. As you say, it feels like a betrayal. Being hurt and abused when we genuinely cared for them and help them with kindness, never expecting anything in return besides some gratitude and decency.

It’s heartbreaking so I think we all need that warm hug 

[Cat Familiar]

I understand the feeling of betrayal of a promise, and when it’s tangible in dollars, that makes it feel even more real.

After my ex and I split up, I ended up paying him what I thought was rather a large sum that he wasn’t entitled to, as the “community property” was actually MY property in the first place. Then, adding insult to injury, after all the documents were signed and the divorce final, it turned out that he had been living on our shared credit card account and not paying it off, as he had claimed. Naively I had assumed he had taken my name off the account (so he had said) but that’s not how the account worked—he would have had to close it and open another. So I ended up paying that off too, much to my annoyance, since he was virtually broke.

At the time, my lawyer informed me that it would cost more to litigate than it would to just pay it, and that over time, it wouldn’t seem like such a big deal.

It was a bitter pill to swallow, but I did pay it off. And years later, I realized how true my attorney’s words were. I ended up with my property free and clear, and now worth much more than it had been at the time of the divorce. And in retrospect, it was a small price to pay for getting my ex out of my life forever.

As a coda, every now and then I get a call from a collection agency trying to track down my ex for nonpayment. Obviously he hasn’t gotten his financial ducks in a row even years later. A bit of sweet schadenfreude.  

[Notwendy]

There's a certain kind of shock when we see a side of someone we didn't think we'd see- or expect. I recall the first time I realized that my BPD mother was lying to me- lying a lot. We just don't expect this kind of behavior from a mother and for you, your partner. These are relationships that involve trust, and it's a shock when you see that trust broken.

I think it's a good thing that you have decided to not contact him- for your own sake, and recovery. Financial issues seem to be common in relationships with someone with BPD- from reading the posts on this board, and also from observing my parents and BPD mother. While the money owed you is not a small amount, in the grand scheme of things- the freedom you have by walking away is worth far more.

[Pook075]

There's a certain kind of shock when we see a side of someone we didn't think we'd see- or expect. I recall the first time I realized that my BPD mother was lying to me- lying a lot. We just don't expect this kind of behavior from a mother and for you, your partner. These are relationships that involve trust, and it's a shock when you see that trust broken.

I think it's a good thing that you have decided to not contact him- for your own sake, and recovery. Financial issues seem to be common in relationships with someone with BPD- from reading the posts on this board, and also from observing my parents and BPD mother. While the money owed you is not a small amount, in the grand scheme of things- the freedom you have by walking away is worth far more.

I agree that the financial aspect makes it feel a lot more real, and it was something that I really struggled with when my wife abruptly stopped paying her bills after our separation.  The problem was, they were all things that were in both our names and would ruin my credit if I wasn't responsible.

Eventually though, I accepted that it was just money and it was worth paying out of pocket to not have to deal with her accusations and foolishness.  I expect more of the same once we file for divorce but I'm not going to let it bother me.  I'm happy and healthy at the moment and in a really good place in my life.  Her destruction is very close to being a thing of the past, and I'll gladly pay whatever I have to in order to close that chapter of my life.  It's money well spent in my opinion.