Perfection

[Rayma]

I am married to someone that I believe has undiagnosed BPD. I have found a lot of advice and guidance about how to react and how to keep things from escalating, how to make sure he feels heard, and why he is acting the way he is.

I feel like I need to be his caretaker. I feel pressure to do things right and swallow who I am in when I am in his presence so as not to trigger him. I do a lot of self-care and I try to let go of the BPD part of my life when he is not around and bounce back quickly.

Because I am educating myself about what I think is going on, and he isn't interested (I've asked if he would consider the diagnosis and he doesn't even want to learn about it.) I feel alone and like I need to keep up a perfect act to maintain balance.

Any tips on cutting myself some slack or how to come at the BPD part of my life with less stress and anxiety?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Joaquin]

First off, plz know you’re not alone. BPD is really consistent so we all have a lot of shared experience.

It sounds like you’re being hypervigilant and walking on eggshells to accommodate his unregulated emotions and needs. I did that for years for my uBPDw before I knew about BPD and it costed me a lot of health and well-being that I haven’t recovered. I know it sounds impossible to do anything else bc of the consequences (your partner’s moods and reactions and criticisms), but there is a way to start reclaiming yourself and setting limits. Look up the SET method here.

First recommendation is to read Stop Walking on Eggshells if you haven’t yet. It really empowered and validated me. Gave me a sense of control over myself and allowed me to see the condition behind her behavior and not react so strongly to it anymore, and it also helped me give myself permission to have my own thoughts and feelings and set my limits for my health. Limit setting is still difficult and messy for me, but it’s so much better than those years when all I felt was fear obligation and guilt (FOG aka emotional blackmail), killing myself to be perfect for her.

You don’t own his emotions. Those are his. You are only responsible for your actions. Letting him give you ownership of his emotions will only destroy your health. When you learn how to SET limits and understand BPD enough to not be reactive to his dysfunction (JADE), you’ll feel a new sense of hope and control.

Wishing you the best

[Rayma]

Thank you for responding. I am having a rough night. I didn't realize how good it would feel for someone to respond to me with encouragement. I have been reading "Walking on Eggshells" and it has been great for me to be able to give myself permission to let his hurtful words go in one ear and out the other. I'm trying to get better at doing that efficiently, but it is hard.
 

[Joaquin]

I’m sorry your night was rough. Is it any better today?

Everyone is different including pwBPD, but I can tell you the first half of my relationship was an emotionally abusive living nightmare for me while the second half (since I learned about BPD) has been a different universe. The tools and validation I’ve gained from learning about BPD have helped me set limits and normalize voicing my authentic feelings and prioritizing myself when I have to, and my uBPDw has honestly grown a lot herself in that time; she takes more accountability for herself than ever and she hears me more than ever, and I honestly feel more hopeful for our relationship than I ever have. There is hope.