Boundaries are felt as punishment by my BPDp

[Ochrecrimson]

Hi. My husband has finally been diagnosed with BPD. He is 60 and we have been married almost 8 years. I’m 53. I have two teenage boys from a first marriage.  He has had many therapists avoid using the BPD Dx but he finally accepts that is what he is. He spent the last 6 months in hospitals and RTCs for many suicide attempts. I told him it was unsafe for me and my boys for him to return home. So he is an hour away and about to move into an apartment. He has no money but has started working again. He has decimated my finances with his impulsive spending and expects me to pay for it.

We are both mental health therapists…. Me for 30 years.  Him for 8.

I have been doing the Sandra Brown “Living Recovery Program” for survivors of Cluster B abuse. Setting more limits and u understanding how  my “super traits” of personality (agreeableness and conscientiousness) make me more vulnerable in relationship with a BPDp.

We have decided (for financial and life stage reasons) to remain married and try something called LAT…. Living apart together. But in order to do that I have to set more consistent boundaries about how he treats me.

Yesterday was the first time I. 6 months we spent a day together. I visited him. It was a decent day until the end when he got upset about the date I chose for the passcode for my cell phone. I had changed them 6 months ago just before he went into the hospital and needed a date I could remember that he would not know. So I chose the date of my first wedding.

I never changed it back. It just was not a priority for me. He wasn’t even in the house to use my phone. But yesterday this turned into him thinking I wanted to get back together with my ex. (Not even close). He started calling me a liar and saying “bull_____” to my calmly expressed answers to his questions. That is my boundary.  I won’t be called a liar. So I turned the car around before we reached our destination. He threatened to throw my phone out he car window and I did not react. He ordered me to let him out of the car on the interstate and I said it was illegal and dangerous. I said I would drive him back to his hotel which was 6 miles away. When I did get off the highway he opened the car door at the first red light and walked 6 miles to his hotel. I drove home.  Then later he blamed me for not caring that he walked home. Not he’s crying victim again and calling me un-empathetic.

Every time I set a boundary…. He says I am punishing him. I have found no way to communicate my boundaries or implement them that will not result in this behavior…. And the fallout will last days or weeks. He projects, mind reads, blames, attacks, insults, rejects, etc…..Can someone help me with this?
Do I simply need to tolerate his reaction to my boundaries? They are worse than just letting him have his way all the time.

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[Pook075]

Hi and thanks for posting.  This is tough because everything I'm about to say to you, you already know.  But it's possible that because you're so close to the situation, you can't see it objectively.

People w/ BPD are not used to consequences.  So when you make boundaries, of course he's going to push back...you're imposing your will on him and he doesn't like it.  After all, it's fun to do whatever we want and not think about the consequences.  Why would we want anyone to challenge that way of living?

I've learned to think of it not as punishment, but as self-defense.  If you do this to me, then here's how I'll react every time.  If you don't like that, then don't do that thing to me and I'll never have to react that way.  I'm doing it because you forced me to in order to protect my own feelings and wellbeing.

Again, he's not supposed to like it...but he's not supposed to act out towards you in the first place.  Just keep reinforcing that he's doing this stuff, you're just protecting yourself.

I hope that helps!

[understandBPD]

I'm not a professional and infact i am going through difficulties myself.

However i can speak from your husbands side in regards to boundaries i believe my wife has BPD and she went to a therapist and then started saying her boundary was limited contact 30 mins a week and i refused to accept this because not only was it hurtful and made me even more insecure but i feel its extremely unhealthy.

So in her eyes she thinks setting this boundary is good but in my eyes its extremely damaging ?

What was the outcome ? once a week she would speak to me 30 mins in those 30 mins i would tell her why this is toxic she would try to force me to accept it i would refuse after 4 weeks of this she began blocking me and unblocking me once for 30 mins i still refused and so after 2 more weeks she gave up and permanently blocked me.

I don't know who's right or wrong but i can tell you her trying to force a boundary on me not only failed to get her desired outcome but it also caused even more damage to our relationship or basically destroyed it.

My suggestion would be perhaps talk about the boundary explain it to your husband see if he is okay with it or how it can be tailored to work for both of you not just you only and then see if you can come to an agreement on how to implement it.

Otherwise don't try to force these kinds of things on someone if you claim to love and care about them because it could be extremely hurtful to them.

[FarDrop77]

It's my understanding that the only thing you can change is yourself ... I do suspect they will eventually become used to the boundaries, but also, you get a better perspective so the rages don't hurt as much?  It is something I struggle with.  I picture one day being like a Yoda master watching my wife with the detachment of a parent being screamed at by a toddler (Walking on Eggshells puts the pwBPD at a toddler stage of emotional development, though I suspect there is more nuance to it than that). 

[waverider]

pwBPD can weaponzise victimhood, it is almost a kind of passive aggressive bullying to get their way