Living with sis with BPD

[igotthis]

Hi,
I am new to the BPD/NPD world in that my therapist and I have just put the pieces together and determined that my older sister likely has BPD (and I now know NPD as well). None of my parents or other siblings know that my older sister has a personality disorder. They all think she is just difficult (Its hard to put into words what exactly makes her difficult and triggering - is that ok?).

I live at home with my parents, and my sister used to only come home for weekends. But almost a year ago when she decided that shes moving back home, I decided to go for therapy. I myself have a depressive disorder and anxiety so her moving home was extremely overwhelming.
Almost a year later, after working through a lot with my therapist (unrelated to my sister) and finally figuring out what my sister has, I’m  trying to find resources to help me not be so triggered and give me the tools to live with her as best as I can.
I’ve read “Stop Walking On Eggshells”, which was great in terms of helping me understand my sister more, but I found that it was geared more for people with borderline partners and the tools didnt feel so relatable. I also feel pretty helpless, because my sister is very savvy so she’ll know when I try to go “therapist” on her and will most likely guilt, shame, and belittle me if I do. So I’m nervous to incorporate any of the strategies that I’m reading about - both because I’ll likely do it wrong and end up more triggered, and because she’ll realize what im doing and it will backfire on me.

I also dont get much support from my family. When i get into arguments with my sister or just get frustrated or angry or triggered, my parents will take her side and tell me to be the mature one.

Any advice on where to go from here?

[GardeniaBlue]

Hi igotthis,  I'm new to the BPD/NPD too and also have a therapist helping me with my uBPD sister for the past year.  For now, none of my family or sister knows I think my sister is uBPD and that's ok.  I don't have the issue of living with my sister or parents so I think that must be really difficult for you.

I read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and I felt it helped with understanding my sister but it's also feels very overwhelming and there's a lot to sort out.  I've been reading the sections at this website:  https://outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro  about non-PD behaviors in dealing with a BPD relationship.  Maybe you will find this helpful too.

I think I have a long road ahead of me but I think my decision to be in therapy is a good start.  All the triggers are a moving target but I'm determined to keep my oars in the water.  I appreciate everyone posting here because it helps me learn and feel I'm not alone.

[livednlearned]

Sometimes it's easiest when you have something you hope to solve and can start there. We can walk with you 

For example, when my stepdaughter (uBPD) was living with me, I focused on how I was feeling and when that feeling seemed to worsen. What were the behaviors, the conversations, the patterns. What led up to that feeling, how did I respond, what were other people in the family doing. Then I worked things out here, and with a therapist.

A lot of the behaviors can be nearly undetectable. In isolation, they might be seemingly normal behaviors, but when they're part of a package and there's a pattern, it can take a bit to understand what's happening.

In a dysfunctional family, there are also well-established dynamics. Roles tend to be rigid and even small changes can create discord. There may be a period of time where the family resists the changes and looks for the easiest fix, which is often controlling (or shaming) people who are trying to protect themselves. Keeping yourself safe will feel like a violation because it's a boundary, and people with BPD often see boundaries as something they must remove.