Don’t know how to cope

[Berryboo]

To be honest I don’t even know where to star I’m a 60 year old mum with 3 adult children one has been diagnosed with mixed personality disorder , I myself have suffered with anxiety and depression all of my life I know this is terrible but i really resent my son and I can not cope with his behaviour anymore I’ve been dealing with this for the past 15 years and I am drained, and tired he will not get help which I have really tried to help him with I can not live with him because of his behaviour and he feels so rejected by this I just do not no where to turn anymore …

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[EllieC]

I’m so sorry for what you are going through! That is a lot of years. Does your son live with you? If so, is there any way he could NOT live with you? I find it makes a huge difference, to have a bit of distance from the behaviour

[Sancho]

Hi Berryboo
Someone posted a comment here quite a long time ago that I found very helpful. They said 'a boundary is something that YOU need to create to be able to survive yourself' - or something like that.

Before reading this, I had viewed 'boundaries' as something you set around the behaviour of the bpd person. Of course when they are young, this is what we try to do. But I am not sure how many bpd people stick to boundaries: they are impulsive, have huge mood swings, can abuse you if you try to even put a normal boundary up.

You cannot live in the same house as your son. This is clearly a boundary that YOU need. Because he has BPD he will have no insight into his behaviour or bullying, and any kind of 'no' will trigger abandonment.

But we don't help when we give in and have no boundary - we just go under ourselves and then there are two people with huge needs.

It will be harder for you to hold the line because you also already have to deal with your own anxiety and your ds will likely play on this. I hope you can stand firm. You have done/are doing all you can.

If you don't use this mantra already, you might find it useful:
I didn't cause this
I can't control it
I can't cure it

It helped me - hope it helps you too.

[LouiseC]

I feel for you.

Before coming here recently, I hadn't understood the true nature of BPD.

I'm coming to terms with the fact things aren't going to ever improve in our relationship. And I'm letting go of the fact that she will not reflect on her childhood as a tool to move forward.

This coming to terms is what we need to do. And then decide what pain we are willing to put up with in our own lives.

All the very best of wishes and thoughts.