quiet pwuBPD. I triggered her fear of abandonment, she ghosted me and rebounded

[puzzledInSpanish]

Hi all. I just discovered this community and I wanted to share my breakup story. My goal is to get her back. But I just don't understand what happened.

I'm a 36yo male, and she's a 38yo female. We were together for 1 and 1/2 year. Some of her behaviours match with a person with quiet BPD, as she is really shy, had depression on her 20s (she was diagnosed and on prozac), has a car accident when she was a baby where she lost sight from and eye and she is now cross-eyed. She also had anorexia when she was a teen.

She would randomly enter into an anxiety spiral over minor things related to me, she has sometimes the feeling that I didn't love her, and she oftentimes felt that she wasn't good enough for me, or that she didn't deserve me.

So, she has a strong fear of abandonment.

We had a really good, loving, beautiful relationship. We lived together on an apartment belonging to her father for the last 4 months and that was really good. She even said to me that she feared that if we even break up, she might enter into a depression as big as the one she had in her 20s.

The timeline is the following:
- January: We were apart for Christmas holidays at each other parent's house. She entered into an anxious spiral over text. I got angry and I told her to stop.
- She apologizes the next day, but I back up.
- She was supossed to return to the apartment but she wasn't doing so.
- February: She meets me and tells me that she cannot live with me anymore because she wasn't allowed to work from home anymore (what an excuse!). The meeting was awkward but there were kisses and good desires for the future. That wasn't a breakup talk at all.
- I collect my stuff from the apartment, despite her telling me to wait and see. (I need my stuff after all).
- I tell her that I want to keep with the relationship, that I hope she feels the same, and I tell her to tell me when to meet the next week after I return from a work trip.
- I get no response, I don't double text and I go No-Contact. I won't hear from her anymore.
- A week later she changes her whatsapp profile picture for a really good picture that I took of her. I don't reach out.
- March: It's her birthday and I don't reach out.
- April: She post a whatsapp story with a guy... And she never ever used whatsapp stories before.
- May: Another two whatsapp stories. Always with the same guy.
- June: Two stories in a row with the guy.

- So I reach out by phone. I tell her calmly that I love her, that I know we've been angry and distantiated lately, but that I remember the promise that we made that if we ever see ourselves in this situation, we'd make efforts to revert it.

- Her answer: She suddendly tells me that she need to hang up (I can picture her crying with overwhelming emotions), and she tells me that she'll call me back later. Instead... she blocks me on everything but not on Facebook. She blocks my sister and my mother on whatsapp as well, but leaves my sister on Instagram. She puts down a picture of the two of us together on Instagram.

That was a very emotional response, I think...

-What I do then is I send her by mail the keys to the apartment, with a note saying that her willingness to break up with me wasn't clear in February, but it is clear to me now. I tell her that I was hoping for something different and that I wanted to fix our things, but I tell her that I respect her decision of breaking up with me and I wish her the best.

- 12 days after I reach out, she changes her instagram profile picture to one of the two of them facing the sea, taken from behind.

- July: A few days after my birthday, she removes her profile picture from Facebook and it's now the default silhouette.
- She went to a wedding with the rebound and posted a few pictures on Instagram.
I'm really devastated. How a person that loved me soo much and even told me that she wanted to marry me and to have a child, just ghosts me, discards me soo coldly and goes with another dude in a matter of weeks?

My hypothesis is that we had our first argument as a couple, she couldn't process the emotions and left the apartment, and by backing up and collecting my things, I inadvertedly triggered her fear of abandonment, and she then decides to preemptively leave and ghost me.

I have questions... Will you help me get some insight?

- I do think her behaviour match that of a person with quiet BPD... ¿What do you think?
- Why posting the whatsapp stories (something that she never did) in the first place? She never posted any story with me. And she never used whatsapp stories. Was that a bait?
- Also, why now she posts on Instagram, but not before?
- Why the half and poorly executed blocking?
- Why blocking me and deleting the picture only after I reach out trying to mend things, and not in the previous months after, if she was so decided to leave me?
- Why removing the facebook profile picture just after my birthday? Is this some sort of identity crisis, or has actually nothing to do with me?
- What did I cause by reaching out? Did I screw up big time?
- Was the note with the key something inappropriate?
- There's a lot of things here: abandoning me, ghosting, a rebound, blocking, a lot of time has passed. I'm really discouraged and I think there's no hope. Will she ever recycle with me?

From what I read, she is with that rebound to soothe herself and relax her anxiety from her perceived belief of abandonment.

So, I would like to know how the relationship with her rebound is like... What is she going through... Will this relationship wear out and will she realize the good thing she had with me?

I feel a lot of guilt and remorse because I triggered her fear of abandonment. If I knew back then what I know now and if I didn't wait that much before I reached out, I could have avoided all of this.

What do you think is my prospect here if I wanted to get back with this person? Is any of this my fault?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Outdorenthusiast]

Hi all. I just discovered this community and I wanted to share my breakup story. My goal is to get her back. But I just don't understand what happened.

I'm a 36yo male, and she's a 38yo female. We were together for 1 and 1/2 year. Some of her behaviours match with a person with quiet BPD, as she is really shy, had depression on her 20s (she was diagnosed and on prozac), has a car accident when she was a baby where she lost sight from and eye and she is now cross-eyed. She also had anorexia when she was a teen.

She would randomly enter into an anxiety spiral over minor things related to me, she has sometimes the feeling that I didn't love her, and she oftentimes felt that she wasn't good enough for me, or that she didn't deserve me.

So, she has a strong fear of abandonment.

We had a really good, loving, beautiful relationship. We lived together on an apartment belonging to her father for the last 4 months and that was really good. She even said to me that she feared that if we even break up, she might enter into a depression as big as the one she had in her 20s.

The timeline is the following:
- January: We were apart for Christmas holidays at each other parent's house. She entered into an anxious spiral over text. I got angry and I told her to stop.
- She apologizes the next day, but I back up.
- She was supossed to return to the apartment but she wasn't doing so.
- February: She meets me and tells me that she cannot live with me anymore because she wasn't allowed to work from home anymore (what an excuse!). The meeting was awkward but there were kisses and good desires for the future. That wasn't a breakup talk at all.
- I collect my stuff from the apartment, despite her telling me to wait and see. (I need my stuff after all).
- I tell her that I want to keep with the relationship, that I hope she feels the same, and I tell her to tell me when to meet the next week after I return from a work trip.
- I get no response, I don't double text and I go No-Contact. I won't hear from her anymore.
- A week later she changes her whatsapp profile picture for a really good picture that I took of her. I don't reach out.
- March: It's her birthday and I don't reach out.
- April: She post a whatsapp story with a guy... And she never ever used whatsapp stories before.
- May: Another two whatsapp stories. Always with the same guy.
- June: Two stories in a row with the guy.

- So I reach out by phone. I tell her calmly that I love her, that I know we've been angry and distantiated lately, but that I remember the promise that we made that if we ever see ourselves in this situation, we'd make efforts to revert it.

- Her answer: She suddendly tells me that she need to hang up (I can picture her crying with overwhelming emotions), and she tells me that she'll call me back later. Instead... she blocks me on everything but not on Facebook. She blocks my sister and my mother on whatsapp as well, but leaves my sister on Instagram. She puts down a picture of the two of us together on Instagram.

That was a very emotional response, I think...

-What I do then is I send her by mail the keys to the apartment, with a note saying that her willingness to break up with me wasn't clear in February, but it is clear to me now. I tell her that I was hoping for something different and that I wanted to fix our things, but I tell her that I respect her decision of breaking up with me and I wish her the best.

- 12 days after I reach out, she changes her instagram profile picture to one of the two of them facing the sea, taken from behind.

- July: A few days after my birthday, she removes her profile picture from Facebook and it's now the default silhouette.
- She went to a wedding with the rebound and posted a few pictures on Instagram.
I'm really devastated. How a person that loved me soo much and even told me that she wanted to marry me and to have a child, just ghosts me, discards me soo coldly and goes with another dude in a matter of weeks?

My hypothesis is that we had our first argument as a couple, she couldn't process the emotions and left the apartment, and by backing up and collecting my things, I inadvertedly triggered her fear of abandonment, and she then decides to preemptively leave and ghost me.

I have questions... Will you help me get some insight?

- I do think her behaviour match that of a person with quiet BPD... ¿What do you think?
- Why posting the whatsapp stories (something that she never did) in the first place? She never posted any story with me. And she never used whatsapp stories. Was that a bait?
- Also, why now she posts on Instagram, but not before?
- Why the half and poorly executed blocking?
- Why blocking me and deleting the picture only after I reach out trying to mend things, and not in the previous months after, if she was so decided to leave me?
- Why removing the facebook profile picture just after my birthday? Is this some sort of identity crisis, or has actually nothing to do with me?
- What did I cause by reaching out? Did I screw up big time?
- Was the note with the key something inappropriate?
- There's a lot of things here: abandoning me, ghosting, a rebound, blocking, a lot of time has passed. I'm really discouraged and I think there's no hope. Will she ever recycle with me?

From what I read, she is with that rebound to soothe herself and relax her anxiety from her perceived belief of abandonment.

So, I would like to know how the relationship with her rebound is like... What is she going through... Will this relationship wear out and will she realize the good thing she had with me?

I feel a lot of guilt and remorse because I triggered her fear of abandonment. If I knew back then what I know now and if I didn't wait that much before I reached out, I could have avoided all of this.

What do you think is my prospect here if I wanted to get back with this person? Is any of this my fault?

Ok - I believe in being direct and you asked for an opinion- but you won’t like it.  She signaled a potential break up/ and you reinforced it or didn’t fight for her or work through your issues.  You sent back the keys, she logically moved on.  Sometimes women are not direct, it may be that you just didn’t mesh or she re-thought her priorities and you didn’t match her ideal.  It isn’t you - don’t be discouraged.   You reached out to her, she was polite but also non-confrontational.  She has moved on, and likely you should too.  Fighting for someone not interested in you is a painful losing battle.

You have made your feelings clear, and if you love something let it go.  If it was meant to be she will come back.  Meanwhile, mourn, process, go out with friends and heal, and find a way to move on.  Learn about limerance vs love.

Huge bro hugs as I feel your pain and sorrow.  I am sure it hurts and feels terrible.

[puzzledInSpanish]

Thank you for your reply.

Well, she replaced me with another guy just after 6 weeks of ghosting me...

And when I reached out, her anxiety probably spiked, she hang up suddenly, told me she'll call me back and half-assed blocked me. I think that's the complete oposite of being polite and non-confrontational.

By sending her the keys after that fact, I was intending to walk away with strenght, letting her know that I'm respecting her decision and giving her the breakup she wanted and that she never verbalized to me.

None of her actions make sense to me.

[BPDEnjoyer]

Her actions made a lot of sense. She has a fearful avoidant attachment. The closer you get, the more she will distance.  She felt shame for leaving you, hence she changed the narrative and block you out.  It’s a pathology.  Please look after yourself.

[puzzledInSpanish]

Her actions made a lot of sense. She has a fearful avoidant attachment. The closer you get, the more she will distance.  She felt shame for leaving you, hence she changed the narrative and block you out.  It’s a pathology.  Please look after yourself.

Thank you for your reply. Fearful avoidant definitely checks out. Although I don't think there was such a massive drop in attraction, and I was effectively pulling away when she ghosted me.

Do you think that she'll be back if I give her enough time and space without me, or, if on the contrary, she'll feel even more abandoned?

I'm already looking after myself, trying to become a better person. But I can only but grieve what I know is a beautiful person with a mental health issue.

[kells76]

Hi puzzledInSpanish and welcome to the site  glad you are here to "puzzle" through what happened in your relationship.

While the pwBPD (person with BPD) in my life isn't a relationship partner (it's my husband's kids' mom), I've learned a lot from reading and participating in all the boards here. One thought that comes up across the boards is that ultimately, we can't control what a pwBPD does -- there isn't a "magic phrase" or "magic move" we can say or do that guarantees certain results. This is tied to the fact that BPD is a mental health disorder -- pwBPD don't have orderly, rational thinking. Some members describe their behavior as "predictably unpredictable". I can see how when you sent the keys back to her, you hoped to signal that you felt strong and respected her choices -- yet the outcome, from what I'm reading, isn't what you hoped for (unpredictable outcome).

What also gets discussed here on the "Bettering/Reversing a Breakup" board is an additional approach. It hurts to have someone you love, and want to be with, move on to be with a new romantic partner. One way to work with that is to recognize that that relationship is going to have to work itself out, before you have a chance again. She may be in a "honeymoon phase" with this new person, and that is a high bar to clear for you trying to make a move to get her back. It may be a good use of your time to not fight that, and to let it play out on its own -- if you "make a strong move" for her when she's loving this new relationship, that might inadvertently push her to get this guy to join her in viewing you as the problem (Her: "he won't leave me alone!" Him: "Don't worry, I'll deal with Mr. puzzledinSpanish for you"). That would be a typical Karpman drama triangle move, where one person (your exGF) plays the "victim" role and enlists someone (the new BF) to "rescue" her from the "villain" (you). It's generally stronger to avoid getting into drama triangles.

So if you decide to try letting her current relationship play out, the question is, what to do while you wait? One idea is -- what would you say made her attracted to you, in the first place? What things about you did she seem to like? What makes you, You? You can consider focusing on strengthening those areas, being who she fell in love with, so that if her current relationship ends, you are in the best available position for her to be interested in you again. A phrase I hear sometimes is "play the best you can with the cards you're dealt".

Additionally, it can be very helpful to examine what attracted you to a pwBPD traits in the first place. What was it inside you that resonated with her struggles? What did you hope for, and what felt familiar about being in that relationship? It may take hard work and introspection, but for a second chance to have a hope to succeed, it's important not to repeat the patterns you both had in the first round of the relationship. This board is a good place to figure out -- was there something from my past that led me to be attracted to a hurting and dysfunctional person? If so, how can I work to change that inside myself? Therapy and counseling are also very, very helpful when there's a pwBPD in our lives.

Ultimately, there are no guarantees when it comes to pwBPD -- no "magic techniques". All you can control is yourself -- but that's a lot! I'd encourage you to read here, look inside yourself, consider working with a therapist or counselor, do the best you can with the cards you've been dealt, accept what you can't change, and work to be a healthier, better version of you.

Lots to think about, so I'll wrap up there. Again, glad you found the group, and keep us posted;

kells76