Depressed ex ended relationship somewhat quickly.

[Widda]

Hello there, I'd appreciate some constructive advice about my now ex, and for my suspicion that she may have BPD. I'd like to help her through her issue, even if it means us not getting back together. It's a long story but I'd appreciate you sticking it through all the way. I have a few questions at the bottom of the post.
 
Some background:
My girlfriend of two years (now ex obviously) is suffering with depression and had been for around 3 years before we got together). She is the most caring, loving and affectionate person I have met. She loves to make friends and looks to help anyone. At a young age, her grandad who she relied on heavily and had a close emotional relationship with passed away suddenly, when they were meant to have plans the day after. I suspect that is when her depression/BPD started. A few other things also tried to hold her back, her exams were disrupted, she was not given a school prom. She had ambitions to join the military but the local school closed before she could join. A few years later,  her first love/ex was a drug user, had been abusive at least once with her and so her depression worsened terribly. Once me and her got together it was only then that her parents realised that she was suffering with depression.

Early days (September 2021-February 2022).
In the first year of being together, everything was great. She constantly declared her love for me, that I was her life partner. She sometimes mentioned that I could do better and also could be with anyone that I wanted to, and questioned why I was with her. We went out for meals, went out with family, went on holiday together, had sex everyday, normal relationship activities.

In the summer of 2022, she started to see a counsellor. Just before we were due to go away the counsellor cancelled her appoitment and let her down.We went on the cruise with her family. She struggled terribly with depression. She acted like a child, we tried to support her and she just wanted to be alone and then threw it in mine and her mums faces and then came back to us. This happened over the course of the two weeks being on the ship. We came home, we said she needed to see a doctor about going onto anti depressants and she did. She was apologetic, told me she loved me and would do anything for us to stay together. 2022 went on the same, no complaints.


When issues began (question of having kids, depression struggle. February 2023-may 2023).

At this point, I began to worry (naturally) what were to happen if she became pregnant. I explained we would not be ready, ie not having a house or any money. I also wasn't sold on the idea of having kids. We discussed it and never really sorted the issue. Fast forward a few weeks, we go for drinks and my friend sides with me on the issue. My ex walks out crying and goes home. Me thinking she was just acting up I left her and we spoke over text. The next day she says that not to worry, its not a problem and it's all sorted.
 
It seems that it's at this point that things start to go downhill. Although the affection is still there ie valentines posts etc, w no longer have sex. She begins staying out in her car and driving about with friends instead of seeing me at home, which she used to do religiously. She asks why I don't want to join her, and I explain that I grew out of doing that (since I got older). Intimacy stopped at this point, we'd be in bed and she'd be on her phone facing the other way, if I touched her it would be like not being there.

Holiday and breakup (June 2023-present):

My Xmas present she had got me was a fully paid for holiday in Spain to a theme park. We were due to go away and she believed her depression had got worse and the pills had stopped working. The doctor put her on different meds. She went away and the anxiety of the trip and being home sick made her depression terrible. Her new tablets weren't working at all and she believes they made her 10x worse. While we were waiting in the line for rides I noticed she was messaging a lad, who turns out to be one of the people she drives around with in town. With her being a friendly girl, I have no question that they are just friends. However the fact that he can get conversation from her and I can't, wound me up.

With the stress of the last few months (noticing the changes that were happening) and a few digs she made at me, we go the whole holiday with me just letting her be in her depression state. When we get home I send her a paragraph about the way I feel, saying that the intimacy has gone and its not like me to snap like I did on holiday. I did things this way since it worked the last time we came off the cruise. Looking back now I can see why it may have hurt her.

After this, she tells me that she can't make me happy anymore, she can't make herself happy and she needs time and space to sort her head out and we go on a break. From this point, contact with her becomes very difficult. I insist on trying to help her and sort things out. She keeps saying she needs time to figure her future out (her job has also been dragging her down) and to be with friends. Her mum explains to me that the baby issue is still playing on her mind. I speak with her, tell her that I have been thinking. I apologise about the way I handled the whole situation and that we could look at having kids once we get a house and she finishes her apprenticeship. We agree we will make a joint account when that happens. Even though we discuss this, I struggle with the lack of contact and conversation that we used to have and i tell her it's hard for me how things are. She agrees that we seem to be going round in circles and we mutually agree that breaking up would be a good idea till she can decide what she wants and to sort her head out. At this point her family are also in the same boat as me. She has very limited conversation with any of them. She no longer has any excitement about her sisters wedding or pregnancy like she had before the holiday. She tells me and her family over and over that she wants to help herself and just to be with her friends.

A month has been since we got back from holiday and it seems like the person we knew a few months ago has gone and she is only interested in her car and being with friends. By the way, these friends are new. They aren't old friends, who within the last few weeks she has fallen out with. They are people who will work on her car for her, stay out driving around town for hours on end, which she enjoys doing. That is what we used to enjoy doing. It feels like me and her family are locked out, she just says she wants to be friends with me but makes excuses not to see me in person. If I text her about non pressuring topics then I can get some conversation but it's limited. She had a wall full of photos of us on her wall in her room and they are still there. Her stuff I dropped off from my house is still in bags exactly as I left it.

A) this has been a total mess, we have struggled to understand until we read about BPD as to why she could change so dramatically after we got home. Does this all tie into BPD? She is not manipulative and I 100% believe she does not want to be with anyone else but me.

B) what could it mean that the gifts I have given her and the pics of me and her are still up? Are they a sign of her not letting go?

C) why is her family in the same boat as me and are locked out too?

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