short term angst

[Astarry]

Hi awesome thanks for letting me be here. I have been in therapy for 20 years. 20 years.i was hit by a car - major head injury that iv managed.
I'm 55 after all these years I realised my therapist was right I have a pathologically narscassistic borderline personality Mum.
So I wrote her all my truth  and Mum rejected me. I sent a very nasty response to her then apologised

I realise I'm responsible for all my wrongs -in the past I think out of guilt  iv gone back and she would buy me nice clothes or something and my eyes would light up.
It's like push pull - I wrote to her I had evidence about stuff in the he past but somehow she can change it so I feel exhausted and

How do I stop this without all the guilt.