Replaced, Discarded, and Struggling to Cope

[zipegs]

Well, I've finally been replaced and discarded. I've been increasingly terrified of this happening and knew the day would come, but not like this. I had a friendship break-up with a pwBPD once before and it was so painful, but it was nothing compared to this. I've sobbed nonstop for days, felt so sick I can't bear to eat, and I keep going through waves of rage, horror, despair, guilt, etc. I can't even fathom it.

We've been fighting a decent amount since January with nothing ever really getting resolved—whatever the inciting incident (me setting a boundary, one of us bringing up a hurt, etc.) it always ended in him saying horrible, cruel things to me, giving me the silent treatment, and waiting for me to come groveling back and help him out of his depression. He never apologizes or takes accountability, and if he does try to apologize, it's always something like "I'm sorry you were hurt by that" or something to shift the focus onto him and how bad he feels.

But I guess this time was different because he's confident in his replacements. I have always felt bad about being jealous of seeing him get close with other people (he's been forging three new very close friendships over the past year or so) because that's not like me, but I guess I know why I've been afraid of it now. We got into a disagreement because he regifted something I gave him to one of his new connections, and I called him out on his apology not being a genuine apology. He told me he was done with the "unreasonable ideal" I set for him and for our relationship and that if I want to talk to him for any reason, I can do so in a week and no sooner.

Well, for once he actually followed through when he set a time. He messaged me and said he'd had it with me. Said a bunch of other cruel stuff and totally broke it off. We had a writing server together which he told me to delete and kicked me out of the server he runs. We founded another discord server together which I'm terrified for. When I had a friendship breakup with a pwBPD, we also ran a server together and I ended up having to leave—I couldn't stomach staying when she was there. I lost an amazing community and I can't bear to go through that again. But it's so painful to see him in this server now, acting like nothing happened and he's thriving. And on the other hand, I'm afraid he's going to build up the server he kicked me out of and then leave this one (along with his spouse, who's also a mod). It's so much a labor of all our love—the three of us put so much time and effort into it, and I can't imagine them leaving it. So either way, it hurts so bad.

I'm just feeling so lost and overwhelmed and blindsided right now. I don't know how this can be so shocking and painful when I've been terrified of it happening for half a year now.

[zipegs]

Aaaaaand his wife just messaged me. Apparently they've both been stalking my twitter because they lambasted me for asking advice of anyone who'd been in a similar situation. I did use the words BPD and apparently that meant I was dragging his character through the mud. Idk why I held out hope they might be a neutral party—we'd been friends before all this. They're a second mod of this server and I'm having a full-blown panic attack now. I truly can't believe this is happening. I'm starting to wonder if maybe I'm the one that's the problem—maybe they're right and I'm the one with the issue. After all, he was never diagnosed with BPD, he just told me he suspected he might have it. PLEASE READ. I hate this.

[once removed]

deep breaths. it sounds like a lot is happening at once. lets take it a step at a time.

how are you holding up today? has anything happened since?