time-outs are generally a non-starter because borderlines need to vent their emotions NOW and anything you say, do, or try that prevents them from getting all that negativity off of themselves and onto you RIGHT NOW they see as abusive to THEM. when i refuse to argue with my wife or justify to her why i feel a specific emotion if she thinks i shouldnt feel that emotion, then she says i'm not "communicating" with her and that i'm isolating her, leaving her on an island, etc etc etc. but if i try to communicate why i'm feeling angry, annoyed, frustrated, or ANY negative emotion, it's an argument of why i am wrong to feel that way. every time. so i just dont engage with it, and she considers that to be abusive.
I'm from the detaching board, but I'm reading some of these threads as well. I very much sympathize with you Blurr, much of this sounds very familiar to me. The car rides being yelled at, the late nights being yelled at and called names, etc...very, very familiar. Being wrong about everything.
We say it all the time on these boards, but's it's just so shocking how similar our experiences are. I KNOW EXACTLY how you feel.
You all are discussing the time out, and Smedley makes a good point ..you've described a no-win situation here. Nothing you do will get you out of it, you are wrong no matter what. They are dysregulated and, at least in my case, highly highly defensive.
Re: time outs. My ex instituted a time-out regime- if either one of us calls a time-out, the other needs to honor it. Fine with me, I'm never arguing anyway...it's her attacking me and me defending myself and her denying my defenses and telling me "you want to die on the hill?" and then the name calling and yelling.
She called a time-out...ONCE...because I was "flooded". I wasn't flooded, it was her yelling at me, calling me names, cutting me off midsentence. I never yelled at her, called her names. Never.
I said "of course honey, I gave my word and and want to show you I'll keep it. We can have a time-out". Of course I'm thinking- no I'm not flooded, projection here, she's flooded and not "winning".
Not 10 seconds later, she starts in on me again. I say "honey, you just called for a time-out and I honored it, now you are starting back in on me and violating you own time-out"
You know the story, she gets more angry, yells more, and hangs up on me.
I think the time-outs could be used as manipulation, as they were here. Projection on to me of being 'flooded', call for the time-out, then use the space freed up to really attack. That's super dishonorable and equivalent to violating the white flag in war...not ethical, even in war.
