still married, very difficult situation, need advice

[jazzgirl]

Hello, I am married to a man with BPD or a similar personality disorder as well as bipolar disorder. He has been stabilized with the bipolar on medication, but the personality disorder has not improved despite 10 years of marital therapy and countless years of individual therapy on his part. He can all of a sudden become irritable, angered and/or enraged. We have reached a state in our marriage where he pretty much ignores me all the time. This is punctuated by moments of anger and meanness. He can become very mean towards me and the children and when he is in this state nothing gets through to him. I'm like a broken record trying to get him to treat us with respect and to validate our feelings. On days that he is feeling better, he acts as if everything is totally fine and laughs and plays with the children. He can change at the drop of a hat, and literally seems to turn into a different person. His eyes change the most when he becomes enraged, and this "different person" appears. I have been dealing with this for 12 years and have been in a constant state of despair and upset on and off for all of this time. We have been together for 20 years, but the serious issues didn't start until my daughter was born 12 years ago, although I now know there were previous signs. He says he takes responsibility for his actions, but they don't stop, and yesterday he told me that all he wanted to do was escape from me. He completely cut me off emotionally some years ago, never lets his defenses down and is always on guard around me. He was open and seemed to be very caring at the beginning, but as the years have gone on and normal marital/parenting/disagreement issues have come up he has abandoned me emotionally more and more until now he hardly speaks to me. Occasionally he will say he understands my feelings, but 99% of the time the discussions/arguments revolve around him, his feelings, his needs, etc. He is unable to offer any support to me and it always goes back to how it affects him, and what he has or hasn't done, or what he feels, etc. Underneath he loathes himself, but refuses to face this and deal with the ways his coping behaviors have created destruction for his own family. He was abused as a child and lived in a very destructive household. I lost my mother under 2 years ago, and I have had to cope completlely on my own. She was my best friend. I feel lost and hopeless. I want to separate, but it is made worse by the fact that I'm a stay at home mom with a chronic illness. I have no income of my own and he is in between full time jobs right now. I feel very alone and in despair most of the time. Would love to hear any advice, other experiences, etc. Thanks!

[ForeverDad]

Having children can be a huge trigger for Borderline behaviors to increase.  I had been married for over a decade with behavioral issues increasingly popping up.  After marriage I learn the extent of her childhood abuse but I thought I'd rescued her and life would be so much better.  I too did not understand why over the years she had more issues as time passed, not having an understanding of mental health issues.  I was clueless and imagined that having a child would help her be happier.  To the contrary, it split us apart, in our case it was as though she could love one or the other, not both of us, or so it seemed to me.  And I lost.  That's when things got worse.  Perhaps having children was a trigger for your spouse too?

[Sluggo]

I am sorry for the loneliness you feel.  I understand.  I see you.  It is hard. 

Sluggo

[jazzgirl]

Thank you both for your kind words. Yes I believe that having children was a major trigger for him, and it has never resolved. I think it triggered a lot of the abuse memories. It's almost as if he regressed and fell into the same pattern that was present in his family of origin. Unfortunately, it has caused trauma for the kids and myself. It is not a good situation at all, and the truth is that I'm ready to be done with it. It has crushed my spirit and my soul whereas often I don't even know who I am anymore. I feel as if in a fog a lot of the time. I get glimpses of another way when I speak to others or go out for awhile, but no matter what I try to do or how I try to manage, the negativity and toxicity always gets to me. The bipolar disorder complicates matters as well as side effects from his meds, etc., and now an autoimmune disorder. I just want to live a life, I'm a positive person even though I have trauma and health issues as well. In fact, sometimes I wonder how I could go through the trauma I've experienced and come out ok (non-abusive, etc.) and how he did not. It's so tiring and heavy ALL the time. And when there are brief moments that it's not, it's as if he expects me to suddenly behave as if everything is ok and fine. I lost my mother under 2 years ago and this has inspired me even more to try and live a positive happy life.

[livethequestions]

Hi jazzgirl,

Reading your posts I am struck by how much you carry all on your own, and how strong you seem to be through all of it—raising children, managing a chronic illness, dealing with a volatile spouse, and grieving your mother. It IS heavy. Very heavy.

It has crushed my spirit and my soul whereas often I don't even know who I am anymore. I feel as if in a fog a lot of the time. I get glimpses of another way when I speak to others or go out for awhile, but no matter what I try to do or how I try to manage, the negativity and toxicity always gets to me.

I so deeply relate to this part of your post. It always amazes me, when I am away from my spouse and doing other things or talking to other people, how completely different I feel. Other people actually ask me how I am doing, and care about the answer. Going home to the fog is always painful. So often, it doesn't feel like I have another choice.

Are you able to be away from him regularly? It sounds like those 'glimpses of another way' are helpful to you, and may even lead you to an answer/solution with time.

Stay strong You deserve the positive, happy life you want to live.