Separating from uBPDh who thinks he’s the perfect husband

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I’m now at the point where I feel, regardless of financial circumstances, I need to get my uhwBPD out of my life, so that I can live in peace. 

But he thinks he’s doing just fine as a husband, and he denies or doesn’t realize how much pain and frustration he’s causing me.  Being criticized over and over, at every turn,  is a hard pill to swallow, even though I know he’s mentally ill. Not to mention the loud, angry outbursts.  I’m trying to be loving and understanding, but I need a break from him. 

The contrast between being with him and being around friends is jarring.  With friends, I feel free to say what I want, and to be thoroughly engaged in conversation, without being beaten up for every word I utter.  I can be me. And I’m appreciated.  And I love and appreciate my friends.  Being with them is sheer joy.  With my husband, pretty much everything I say is shot down or put into a negative context.  He’s unable to show appreciation, and I certainly don’t appreciate being treated so badly. 

I’ve come a long way.  I’m far more focused on building my life now, and being more engaged with my hobbies and friends, but I’m still struggling. Dealing with him sucks up a lot of energy, even when I’m ignoring him. 

If I ever mention the idea of separating, I cannot imagine the blow up that will follow.  Because even though over time, I’ve told him the criticizing, the outbursts and all of the difficult things that he does are making me unhappy, he doesn’t get it.  He’ll sometimes tell ME that I’m very dark, critical, explosive, unpredictable, and all of the things that HE is. So he puts it all back on me. 

So what do I do? 

First off, I can’t just walk out.  I would, except our home was originally my home, and I don’t wish to leave.  I love it.  I need him to get out.  All he does is complain about our home anyway.  I wish he’d leave. But I don’t see that happening.  Plus, his finances would be quite thin without me. Same for me, but I think I could manage.  But where we live, real estate is costly. He’d be in a pickle.   

So I don’t know where to begin.  Sometimes I dream of booking a hotel room for 1 or 2 nights, just to have peace. To not have someone picking on me. It would be easy to do.  I’ve already picked a hotel, but I don’t dare make a reservation.   I think he’d blow up at the idea of it, and he’d make my life even more of a living hell, just for mentioning the idea of it.

In writing all of this, I can see how fearful I am of him. How I’m trapped.  I went through a divorce years ago with my first husband, who was a normal man.  We had irreconcilable differences.  He went a little nuts at first, but it was manageable. And eventually, it was amicable.  My current husband could possibly get violent with me, at the mere mention of needing time away from him. 

I feel trapped.

 There must be away to at least get a break from this man. Just for a night or two.    To at least start the process.

I guess just writing this is a start. 

[JazzSinger]

I’m now at the point where I feel, regardless of financial circumstances, I need to get my uhwBPD out of my life, so that I can live in peace. 

But he thinks he’s doing just fine as a husband, and he denies or doesn’t realize how much pain and frustration he’s causing me.  Being criticized over and over, at every turn,  is a hard pill to swallow, even though I know he’s mentally ill. Not to mention the loud, angry outbursts.  I’m trying to be loving and understanding, but I need a break from him. 

The contrast between being with him and being around friends is jarring.  With friends, I feel free to say what I want, and to be thoroughly engaged in conversation, without being beaten up for every word I utter.  I can be me. And I’m appreciated.  And I love and appreciate my friends.  Being with them is sheer joy.  With my husband, pretty much everything I say is shot down or put into a negative context.  He’s unable to show appreciation, and I certainly don’t appreciate being treated so badly. 

I’ve come a long way.  I’m far more focused on building my life now, and being more engaged with my hobbies and friends, but I’m still struggling. Dealing with him sucks up a lot of energy, even when I’m ignoring him. 

If I ever mention the idea of separating, I cannot imagine the blow up that will follow.  Because even though over time, I’ve told him the criticizing, the outbursts and all of the difficult things that he does are making me unhappy, he doesn’t get it.  He’ll sometimes tell ME that I’m very dark, critical, explosive, unpredictable, and all of the things that HE is. So he puts it all back on me. 

So what do I do? 

First off, I can’t just walk out.  I would, except our home was originally my home, and I don’t wish to leave.  I love it.  I need him to get out.  All he does is complain about our home anyway.  I wish he’d leave. But I don’t see that happening.  Plus, his finances would be quite thin without me. Same for me, but I think I could manage.  But where we live, real estate is costly. He’d be in a pickle.   

So I don’t know where to begin.  Sometimes I dream of booking a hotel room for 1 or 2 nights, just to have peace. To not have someone picking on me. It would be easy to do.  I’ve already picked a hotel, but I don’t dare make a reservation.   I think he’d blow up at the idea of it, and he’d make my life even more of a living hell, just for mentioning the idea of it.

In writing all of this, I can see how fearful I am of him. How I’m trapped.  I went through a divorce years ago with my first husband, who was a normal man.  We had irreconcilable differences.  He went a little nuts at first, but it was manageable. And eventually, it was amicable.  My current husband could possibly get violent with me, at the mere mention of needing time away from him. 

I feel trapped.

 There must be away to at least get a break from this man. Just for a night or two.    To at least start the process.

I guess just writing this is a start. 

[kells76]

Hi JazzSinger;

You did make the first step by writing about your wants and needs here. I do hope "getting it on paper" has been helpful for you, as you can see that you need some kind of break, whatever that may be.

It makes sense that issues surrounding the home would be big issues. I hear you that you don't want to just "kick him to the curb" -- you are realistic that housing and real estate are challenging in your area.

One step that many people in your situation take is to consult a couple of local lawyers. This doesn't mean "you're committed" and have to work with any of them or put any of them on retainer. It's more about meeting a few of them in initial consultations, discussing your situation, and seeing what they would recommend and what typically happens in your area. Some L's will talk with you for free on the phone for that consultation (ours did); others may charge a one-time fee. You won't be obligated to do anything they suggest; it's just gathering information to understand your legal options.

You may learn that there are workarounds with the home situation that you hadn't thought of before, or other solutions that could bypass some of your fears about his possible blowup.

There are also websites like avvo.com, where you can post your question and receive free legal advice from lawyers -- though it can tend towards "you have a complicated situation and should hire a lawyer". You can take a look there for free without posting or creating an account. Maybe there are some questions already posted that could be helpful.

Financial strain is a huge strain. I hope you can find some less costly ways to give yourself that break that you deeply need. Is it time to lean on a friend -- open up a bit about needing a "staycation" with someone in town or out of town?

[livednlearned]

I agree with kells76 that having a place to speak freely, to try out new thinking, test how things feel when you say what you want for yourself, what you have the capacity for -- it's a big step. 

This is also probably one of the places where people won't judge you for staying, for going, for talking about going then staying. These relationships are difficult whether we stay or leave.

It's tricky when you are so emotionally spent and have a lag between reality and where you want to go. There are logistics and emotions to work through.

However, if you are concerned he might get violent, that means focusing on your safety first and foremost.

Do your friends or any family members know what you're going through?

[Fian]

I am reading this from his perspective.  You expect him to leave his home?  Why are your wants greater than his?  You want to leave him without explaining to him where you want him to change?  Divorce/separation is a huge option.   You owe him more than what you are planning.  And yes, he will be angry when you bring this up.  It is a natural reaction.  Let him have his reaction, and then discuss later from there.  You trying to make things easier on yourself is unfair to him.

[ForeverDad]

If you haven't yet consulted family law attorneys, then that would be a good idea now.  Any inquiries you make are confidential and private.  No, you don't need to "confess" to your spouse that you're pondering your options.  In fact, at this point, confidentiality is crucial.  In other words, don't lay your legal bills or receipts in sight on the counter with your keys.

While I can't tell you whether to take a few days away, I do think you can ask lawyers how they handle post-filing separations?  Does your state allow you to include in the same initial filing that you want possession of your home and he has to be the one to move out?  In some states all you have to do is fill out a form.

One warning... you are not advised to share what you learn from your legal consultations (generally inexpensive).  Spilling the beans, so to speak, may enable him to sabotage your plans.  This is where your right to confidentiality come into play.  Don't sabotage yourself.

If you do decide to end the marriage, then your priority is You.  Your spouse is an adult and would then not be your priority.  Don't fret over what he later decides to do or not do.

One big indicator which way the family's future is trending is... whether the spouse is willing to start meaningful therapy, apply it in spouse's life and thinking, and do so for months and years.

[JazzSinger]

Kells76,

Thank you so much for your very thoughtful response.  I’m going to try reaching out to lawyers.  I do have two people in my life who know what I’m dealing with at home — a friend and a cousin. I don’t know what I’d do without them.  Sadly, because of my age, many family members I might have relied ,on,  extended and immediate, have passed away, and can’t help me now.  

So, I have to be strong.  Also, I could pay for  a “staycation” in a hotel — I’ve saved for it.  But I fear retaliation from him.  Perhaps I could fib  and tell him I’m going to a spa  or a workshop.  I’ve got to figure it out.  

You’ve helped me a lot.  

Can’t thank you enough.  

[JazzSinger]

Livednlearned,

Thanks so much.  I really, really appreciate your comments.  

Indeed, just thinking about leaving is a big step for me.  

And it is tricky, because he’s living in his own world, and I’m dealing with reality.  He’d never even understand why I need space, nor would he approve of it.  Sometimes I want to pack a suitcase and run to a hotel, but I never act on those feelings.  Just figuring out how to get a break from him is tough. He can be extremely mean, and he gets VERY angry at just little things so I have to be careful.  He’s never been violent, but I feel leaving, or asking him to leave, could result in violence.  

I’ll take my time and I’ll figure it out, God willing.

Thanks again.  

[JazzSinger]

ForeverDad,

Thanks so much for reminding me that the priority is ME, as well as for all of your other advice.  

For sure ,I realize  I must be stealthy as I move forward with seeking legal advice and such. He doesn’t even realize he’s a problem.  It’s really sad, as well as bizarre.  It’s a good thing that I’m grounded in reality.  

He would never consider therapy.  He doesn’t think he needs it. I, on the other hand, have had a lot of therapy.  He knows I had therapy many years prior to our marriage, but he doesn’t know I’ve been in therapy during our marriage.  I did it at a time when I didn’t know he suffered from BPD, but I knew we had problems. When he refused couples therapy, I found help for myself.  I went for two years, and then off and on, periodically. He has no idea.   I hid it from him, because just the mere mention of my going to therapy on my own, set off a volcano in him. He was FURIOUS.  

To say he’s difficult is an understatement.  I’ve got to get out.   I realize it’s a process, though.  I’ll get through it.

You’ve helped me so much.  I’m forever grateful.  

[JazzSinger]

I am reading this from his perspective.  You expect him to leave his home?  Why are your wants greater than his?  You want to leave him without explaining to him where you want him to change?  Divorce/separation is a huge option.   You owe him more than what you are planning.  And yes, he will be angry when you bring this up.  It is a natural reaction.  Let him have his reaction, and then discuss later from there.  You trying to make things easier on yourself is unfair to him.

Fian,

Thanks for your response. 

I’m a healthy, loving person, trying to extricate myself from an extremely unhealthy and debilitating situation, and protect myself from harm.  End of story. 

[GaGrl]

Part of your interviews with lawyers might be suggestions on how to tell him and what can be done to protect you. Has he been abusive or violent before? Is there a way to get a protection order/order for him to vacate the house based on his prior behaviors?

[Fian]

I understand that the problems in the marriage have built up over decades, however there is a difference between saying you are unhappy, and making it clear that you are prepared to leave unhappy.  If you make that last attempt, and he still refuses to make any changes, then, hey you did your best.  It really sounds like in this case he will be blindsided, and that should not be the case when it comes to divorce.  Both sides should be able to see it coming.

[Skip]

Again, thanks so much for sharing.  You found a way to a better life, and I believe I will too. I’m old, but I can’t go out like this.  And I’m not done yet.

I'm with you!

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

I agree with the others that coming here and expressing your frustration is a good first step. I think we all know the feeling of being trapped by the circumstances of life (relationships, families, money, faith, etc.) and how daunting it can seem to break away - how paralyzing the thoughts of the process is.

This is the "conflicted board" and it's a place to explore the pro and cons and the various options and stages available to you to make for a better life.  

A couple of questions...

Do you have family members near by and/or who are involved in your life or are the two of you isolated?

Can you describe how the frequency of the verbal abuse? How many times a month does he get verbally angry? How many times a month is he calm, but invalidating?

How do you respond?

Have you taken 3 days away in the last year or so... to visit a friend or family or girls vacation or other time away?

If you wanted to do this, how would he react? Who he try to stop you?

[JazzSinger]

Skip,

Thanks so much for the poem.  It helps a lot.

Let me answer your questions:

I have only one family member nearby who is aware of my circumstances.  But I have a lot of friends.

The criticisms are daily. I can do NOTHING right.  He looks for things to criticize — words  I use when I’m speaking, the way I fold my napkin, the way  cough— it’s exhausting. He even complains when I’m silent for a moment or two at dinner time! He gets a mean look on his face and asks why I’m not saying anything!  He’ll tell  me it’s not worth it sharing a meal with me . And he’s over the top angry at me while  he’s criticizing me about my napkin or whatever.  

The bigger, louder , scarier outbursts, when he starts arguments over nothing, and tries hard  to upset me,   are a few times a week.  I’ve learned that if get up  and move away from him, he stops. But sometimes, because I’m human and he says things that make me angry, I engage. I try to get my point across, which only makes him angrier, and we go round and round.  

 I’d say he may get through ONE day a week when he’s calm and not engaging in putdowns or arguments.

He’s gotten worse.  In the past, he could go for days, sometimes weeks, being a calm, relatively normal person — no put downs. No outbursts.   But for some reason, since May 2023, when he had a HUGE outburst that really traumatized me, he’s been impossible.

He would NOT like it if I went away for a few days, without him.  Somewhere inside, he’d know I needed a break from him, and he wouldn’t be able to handle it.  I gently floated the idea one day, but I made the mistake of saying I wanted two days of beauty and pampering By MYSELF  — a spa, hair salon and such, as well as two nights in a lovely hotel or wellness retreat.  His mood got really dark and he couldn’t even respond verbally.  

But I need a break from him, badly.  Truth be told, 2-3 nights in a hotel, by myself, without criticisms or outbursts, would do the trick.  I can’t really afford a wellness retreat.  I’m going to ask my girlfriends for ideas.  Perhaps we can concoct something that wouldn’t make him anxious.  

Thank you  so much for everything.  There are no words for how much your support means to me.

Best,
JazzSinger

[Skip]

Dylan Thomas was an incredible poet.

Getting away for a few days (on a regular basis) would be good. Retirement living brings a complication many don't expect - 24/7 cohabitation; something we last did when we were 5 years old.  

There is no hiding, no having a bad day that others can't see - for either of you. The masks eventually fall off and we start treating each other the same way we treat ourselves and we often aren't very nice to ourselves.

Verbal abuse is an elusive concept to pin down. It's not like physical abuse which is cut and dry. In physical abuse, both parties and anyone watching can see it. Verbal abuse on the other hand is not necessarily seen by all parties.

I'm not excusing the behavior (not one bit), just trying to understand it. Understanding is the first step to dealing with it - whether healing a relationship or ending it.

... he thinks he’s doing just fine as a husband, and he denies or doesn’t realize how much pain and frustration he’s causing me.  Being criticized over and over, at every turn,  is a hard pill to swallow, even though I know he’s mentally ill. Not to mention the loud, angry outbursts.  I’m trying to be loving and understanding, but I need a break from him.  

The contrast between being with him and being around friends is jarring....

He probably thinks you feel the same way (that he’s doing just fine as a husband).

Does he have a friend or relative who he listens to?

What do you think happened in May?

[JazzSinger]

Skip,

You make a good point about retirement.  It has made life with him tougher.

And I have a quote that helps me with his criticisms:

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I’ll rise.

I could certainly use a break every few months — it would be healing for me, and maybe for our marriage.  I’m going to work on it.  

When our middle aged son (his son from an early relationship) comes to visit, he just ignores his father when he goes of on tangents or has outbursts. He sits still, never comments, and lets the moment pass.  And, miraculously, his dad, my husband, moves on to something  else.   I certain have tried to take a page from his book.  Clearly, he knows what he’s dealing with.  

BTW, my husband listens to NO ONE.

On or about May 17, construction work for a new high rise began at a site close to where we live. New construction is very common in our area and has been happening all around us, but this time my husband fears the new building will block all of our sunlight, it will be ugly, and on and on.  He’s EXTREMELY  anxious about it. He started in on me on May 17 with a familiar theme — I’m stupid and I don’t know how to have an intellectual conversation.  He was LOUD and VERY, VERY ANGRY. I couldn’t be in the same room with him for hours. I was afraid he might hit me. He was just that mad.  Then, he found some repetitive music on his phone and he played it loudly, while dancing around and chanting, “You’re stupid. You’re stupid. You’re stupid.” This went on for a long time, while,I sat nervously in a different room.  I’m not sure if this was a psychotic break or what, but it was frightening.  After a few hours, he calmed down, but I haven’t been quite the same since.  I’m more vigilant.  I’m seeking relief. . I’m wanting to get away.  I see what I’m dealing with.  I found this website.  I learned to keep my mouth shut. As for him, since May 17 he’s become  he’s more impossible to get a long with.  

But I’m still hopeful that I’ll find away to get away.

Best,
JazzSinger

[Skip]

On or about May 17, construction work for a new high rise began at a site close to where we live. New construction is very common in our area and has been happening all around us, but this time my husband fears the new building will block all of our sunlight, it will be ugly, and on and on.  He’s EXTREMELY  anxious about it. He started in on me on May 17 with a familiar theme — I’m stupid and I don’t know how to have an intellectual conversation.  He was LOUD and VERY, VERY ANGRY. I couldn’t be in the same room with him for hours. I was afraid he might hit me. He was just that mad.  Then, he found some repetitive music on his phone and he played it loudly, while dancing around and chanting, “You’re stupid. You’re stupid. You’re stupid.”

I can certainly understand how upsetting it would be to have his tranquility destroyed by the construction process and the change of the neighborhood - the loss of control, the powerlessness.

This reaction to it is not a normal interaction for sure... sounds out of control, tantrum like.

What's the connection of his frustrations to you? What were you "stupid" about? From his perspective, what were you not intellectualizing to his satisfaction?

Do you ever feel that when things are out of control in his life that he compensates by being controlling with you? Does alcohol have any role in this? Have you seen any signs of cognitive decline? Are there guns in the house?

After a few hours, he calmed down, but I haven’t been quite the same since. I’m more vigilant. I’m seeking relief. I’m wanting to get away.

Do you feel he finally went too far in May? That you're not going to put up with this disrespect any longer? Have you communicated this to him?

One last thing. We always encourage members. to have a safety plan. I'm not suggesting that you are in danger, but because you have mentioned a fear of being hit, it's something you should have in place. Again, I don't want to alarm you. This is just a prudent thing to do, when in doubt.  https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf

[ForeverDad]

When our middle aged son (his son from an early relationship) comes to visit, he just ignores his father when he goes of on tangents or has outbursts. He sits still, never comments, and lets the moment pass.  And, miraculously, his dad, my husband, moves on to something  else.   I certain have tried to take a page from his book.  Clearly, he knows what he’s dealing with.

BTW, my husband listens to NO ONE.

Might it be that part of the dilemma you face is that his son is able to more or less ignore his father's rants and disparagement, but you can't?  Of course, however much or little he affects you doesn't justify poor behavior.

Another thought, perhaps not as applicable in your case since he behaves the same way to everyone, could it be that partly he senses that you're pulling away and his reaction is an extinction burst, essentially where the conflict rises in an attempt for the other to retreat back to the comfort zone of the past?  Your son is able to come and go despite the verbal abuse, but you are not allowed that freedom.  In that way too he can be a controller.

Dr. Joseph Carver, a retired psychologist, has several articles (PDFs) on the topic of controllers.
https://drjoecarver.com/3/miscellaneous2.htm

[Pook075]

I could certainly use a break every few months — it would be healing for me, and maybe for our marriage.  I’m going to work on it. 

Sometimes when we're in a tough situation, we will tend to focus more on others around us than what we actually need. 

While you're not fully prepared to leave the relationship, hopefully you can take this opportunity to focus on what you actually need to be happy, healthy, and content in life outside of the marriage. 

Now, that's not to say that your marriage isn't important; it certainly is and I applaud you for trying to work through this in less than ideal circumstances.  But for you to be the best possible you, that requires some self care and doing things that fulfill your life.

You mentioned wanting to get away, and a spa weekend at a nice hotel sounds fabulous.  But it may be just as fulfilling to spend a few days with a friend or relative just to break outside your norm and allow your mind to reset.  Stepping away is healthy and I hope you seriously consider it.

I also understand that this may upset your husband...who seems to already be upset six days out of seven.  Nobody wants to "poke the bear" in these situations, but at the same time it is essential that you put your needs above his right now and think about what would be the best thing for you personally.  That's what will lead you towards a path of healing.

Please continue to share and let us know if there's anything we can do to help. You're among friends here.

[livednlearned]

I need a break from him, badly.  

It seems your husband is aware you have many friends? (it's good he doesn't interfere with this).

What's your guess for how he would respond to a girls' weekend away?

I'm wondering, too, what might be going on with the big change in May, and his ... tantrum. Does he take care of his health and get regular check-ups? It sounds like he's becoming more of his worst self more often and acting oddly on top of that.

How often does he behave in ways that you find odd, versus say, controlling or insulting?

I don't know that these kinds of answers make a difference in what you do, but sometimes they can help fill in details that guide your decisions.

Does he have any tender moments?

[JazzSinger]

Forever Dad, thanks so much for the articles.

Our son lives 1,000+ miles way, so he doesn’t have to live with the constant turmoil. I, on the other hand, have to live with it 24/7.  Best I can do is go to another room or take a walk.    BTW, his son was raised by his dad (my husband wBPD), and he ran away to live with another relative when he was a teenager.   So their relationship is not without problems, but he seems to know how to handle his dad.

I think you’re on to something with the extinction burst.  I have pulled away, and he knows it.  So, sadly, he’s harder to live with.

I’ve got to find away to at least get a break. I fear I’ll get frustrated and yell at him, and I don’t know how he’d respond.

I’m taking  it one day at a time.

Thanks so much.

[JazzSinger]

Livednlearned,

Let me respond to your questions.  

He’s OK with my having friends, but he doesn’t like it when I’m texting them.  He gets irritated.  Still, he doesn’t interfere when I have lunch or dinner with friends.

On May 17, I think constructing started on a building that will be fairly close to us.  He’s convinced it will block all of our sunlight.  He’s EXTREMELY ANXIOUS about it.  Sometimes he watches the construction workers with his binoculars.  Right now, they’re just digging the hole.  The building is probably at least 2 years away, but he’s been a wreck since they started.  And he takes it our on me.  

So he had a HUGE OUTBURST on May 17, from which I’ve yet to recover.  On that day I found an excellent Kindle   book about verbal abuse and people with BPD, and voila! I understood what I was dealing with.  I also found this website. I’ve been pulling away from him ever since.  

He sees his doctors regularly, but will never see a therapist.  He thinks he’s fine.  

He has outbursts, he starts arguments, he criticizes me, he dissociates when I’m sick, he complains about everything. Sometimes he’s hyperactive, pacing and talking incessantly and too quickly, and often loudly. It’s a lot.  In the past, there were lulls in these behaviors, sometimes weeks, sometimes months of normalcy.  But since May, it’s been almost nonstop. It’s too much.  I need a break.  

Thanks so, so, much for your support.  You have no idea how much it helps.

[JazzSinger]

Pook075,

Oh my goodness!

You have no idea how much your support means to me.

I mentioned in passing that I’d like like to go to a spa or a retreat or just have a little “me time,” and he said, “Without me?” Then he got a mean look on his face and he couldn’t even speak.  So I quickly dropped it.  He scared me.  

But I’ll try again, when he seems calmer.  I desperately need a break.  In the meantime, my friends, and this website are helping me stay sane.  

I’ll figure something out.  I’ve got to get away.  

Thank you so very much.  I’m forever grateful.  

[Fian]

You might want to have a private chat with his doctor, and have them look for anything physically that could be causing these emotional outbursts.  Of course, it may be entirely psychological.  If he retired recently, plus his home is "violated" could be enough to make him very unsettled.  There is probably a nuclear option where you report him to the authorities and they put him on something like a 3 day psychological evaluation.

[kells76]

Does he take care of his health and get regular check-ups? It sounds like he's becoming more of his worst self more often and acting oddly on top of that.

How often does he behave in ways that you find odd, versus say, controlling or insulting?

You might want to have a private chat with his doctor, and have them look for anything physically that could be causing these emotional outbursts.

Those posts are pointing to something that could be important to investigate/understand -- is there an age-related variable at play?

Not that it's 100% one thing and 0% the other, more getting a handle on if there are age/aging factors making things worse.

Interestingly, many members on our Parent/Sibling/Inlaw board are coping with aging parents with BPD. You could take a look over there and see if any of those strategies could be brought into your situation.

I mentioned in passing that I’d like like to go to a spa or a retreat or just have a little “me time,” and he said, “Without me?” Then he got a mean look on his face and he couldn’t even speak.  So I quickly dropped it.  He scared me.  

But I’ll try again, when he seems calmer.

Some members have success with that strategy! You "plant a seed", allow the pwBPD to have whatever reaction they have, let the topic go for a bit, and bring it up again. Repetition sometimes helps. You can take the conversation in "bites" versus feeling like "we have to have the entire discussion about my vacation and come to a conclusion all at once".

You took the first "bite" -- planted the seed of "having me time" -- and you made it through  

What might the next "bite" out of the conversation look like? "Getting my nails done with the girls sounds so fun... I wonder if we'll do a two day or three day spa stay... well, guess we'll figure it out later" -- where you're moving past "am I going at all or not", and treating it like a done deal. Of course you're going -- you're just deciding for how long. Of course, that's just one example of what the next step could look like.

Food for thought;

kells76

[livednlearned]

On May 17, I think constructing started on a building that will be fairly close to us.  He’s convinced it will block all of our sunlight.  He’s EXTREMELY ANXIOUS about it.  Sometimes he watches the construction workers with his binoculars.

This is eerily familiar to something my parents went through. They moved into a condo after years of deliberation, which was the source of chronic tension between them for close to a decade. A year after they moved in, construction on a tall building began nearby, which made my father apoplectic. When completed the building would block a beautiful view.

My father had a fairly demanding career and sometimes I think resenting the construction became his new job. He even tried to sue the developer for the estimated loss of real estate value  

I’ve been pulling away from him ever since.  

Do you get any sense that he's noticed you've pulled away?

He has outbursts, he starts arguments, he criticizes me, he dissociates when I’m sick, he complains about everything. Sometimes he’s hyperactive, pacing and talking incessantly and too quickly, and often loudly. It’s a lot.  In the past, there were lulls in these behaviors, sometimes weeks, sometimes months of normalcy.  But since May, it’s been almost nonstop. It’s too much.  I need a break.  

I feel for you, this sounds awful. It's a relief to know you have a circle of girlfriends to spend time with, and have this board.

You mentioned he gets aggravated when you text. Do you think it's because he feels you are ignoring him? Do you think the same thing might happen if you listened to music on headphones (if you aren't already doing this)?

I'm thinking about how to get your own nervous system to baseline when he's pacing and ranting, just to get a break when that's going on. It must be hard to bear witness to that kind of rumination, even when it's not directed towards you.

I can identify with you about feeling trapped -- I know there are bigger solutions out there but sometimes figuring out immediate ways to make the present livable gives you a chance to catch a breath.

[Fian]

Slight derail here.  I get slightly annoyed when my wife is with me and she is texting.  Either spend time with me and the activity that we are doing, or go off on your own with the phone.  I just bring this up, because not all disagreements are BPD related.

[JazzSinger]

Do you get any sense that he's noticed you've pulled away?

LivednLearned, I think he’s noticed I’ve pulled away.  I’m sure it’s part of the reason why he’s so much harder to live with theses days. But there’s no going back.  

I’ll at least get a break. I’ll figure it out.  Moment by moment.  I’ll be ok.  

[Cat Familiar]

In the meantime, until you can get a *big break* such as spending a weekend with a friend, or having a spa day, can you think of short term breaks that might recharge your batteries? Maybe going to a museum, spending an afternoon at a park, helping out at a homeless shelter, visiting a library, taking a class….