hey, untill i begin describing my problem (amd telling my story obviously) i just wanted to tell those who are reading my post, that i am sorry for every mistake i make. since english is not my native language, i may make some.
The beggining.
Okay, here we are, let me introduce you to my world.
I will use different names to maintain anymousity.
I met Vicky in 2021. Until then I felt nothing towards other people, even my family. Everyone was complete strangers to me. What is more, I thought that I was asexual, and so, but the first second I met her… Well, it was different from the beggining.
Fortunately it turned out, that she liked me back. We became a thing few months later. Actually, I was not so happy, because I suffered from self-homophobia, it was really hard for me to stay focused, so I did not “earn anything” from the first weeks of the relationship. I would rather say that I spent all the time trying to convince myself that it is okay, and this is just who I am. The new reality was kind of hard. It was the first time I felt something in my life. The feeling was so strong, that I eventually came over all of that burden.
During that time, we have had few arguments, and the amount of them started to increase rapidly. All of them was about silly things, but in her mind it turned out to be something horrible. I always wanted to understand why she thinks so, what caused such an escalation of the problem, well it was a mistake, since she wanted some time alone, and I pushed her too much.
It was like, my arguments did not work for her. Every explanation was not worth anything, because she knew better.
She often changed some details of situations while talking about past. When I tried to tell her how it was actually, because I remembered it another way, she insisted that her version was correct, so I tried to convince her that she is not right, and there it is, another fight.
But my feelings were the same, she eventually started talking again, and everything seemed to be alright.
We live in an academic building, so we spent a huge amount of time together. She got to know my parents, everything was going well. I was able to live like a normal person. I have had someone whose hugs were actually working, a caring and loving person, what else would I want?
Not to mention that my life was a complete disaster before, my self-confidence was below zero and I had some garbage from school years that was still on me, completely intact.
I have been raped. I do not want to give more details, but this has made me feel scared of having sex, or even disgusted by that act of love. I have had some experience with child pornography, so I struggled when people was taking me photos. They did not understand the pain I was in. It was really hard to break the wall, that I have built and be able to talk about stuff related to my past traumas.
Those mentioned here, and others were suffocating me, but I have found a way to live with them. As I got through it, I started to separate myself from people who called themselves my „friends” but then turned out not to be, so people thought that something was wrong with me.
After a while I started to believe it myself and this is how the iceberg was formed…
[WARNING: self harm]
Back to me few years later (the one with a girlfriend and almost happy life), in september last year, I found out that Vicky was hurting herself. She started cutting herself with sharp items. She tried to hidd it from me, but since I found parts of razor in bathroom, I knew what was going on. As it turned out, she was ABSOLUTELY SURE that I was hurting myself too, for a long time.
When it comes to me, for my whole life I did not think about self-harm. Ever. I have had some suicidal thoughts in the past, but self-harm? No way.
But, it was me, who was so sure that I was ill, that I did not correct her this time. And this is how I entered hell.
I started to cut myself, she did it twice as much as me, her cuts were more serious, so I was feeling bad, because she must have felt more pain. I guess that you can tell what happened then. We entered a never-ending cycle of self harm, mixed with guild, anger, it was terrible. I was really stressed because all of that, I was scared for her…
So after being nervous 24/7 I started having ticks, and she told me to go to someone psyche-related. So did I.
I have had meetings, to talk about my mental health, check my inteligence and some brain related stuff. The last meeting was supposed to be with a psychiatryst. Just to be clear.
During that time, things started to get much worse. She talked about killing herself, she started losing physical power, she did not want to go to classes and told me that she will be writing goodbye notes for people. I tried to do everything I could. I was not allowed to tell anyone about this, so I did not. I am the only person, that knew about all of this. It was really stressful, I was stressed all the time for more than half a year. I did not want to loose her, she was the most important person in my life, basically all my life back then, everything that counted for me, obviously.
I did not give up, even though there were times when I was really close I managed to survive all of this. Alive.
I started to be sucidal too. It was the beggining of another cycle… We were helping one another. But after a while of such cycles there was a night, we have had a fight.
I probably dissociated then. I don’t remember anything, but me saying horrible things, basically eating her alive, and feeding myself with sounds that she was making while crying, I do not know why, I regret all of this, but this was meant to be my end. I wanted to kill myself so much, so so much.
She told me, that my monolog has made her feel like I was already dead. She knew that it was only a matter of time, that it is not worth trying anymore, it’s over, my life, everything, this was the end of my life. She managed to call my parents, and after few hours I found myself at ER. I got a prescription for sertaline, and this was a beggining of a break. I was so scared, I wanted to be near her, to feel safe in her arms, and now they are taking me back home for a month? I cried all the time, until there was no tears left. What I did was cruel, absolutely cruel, this was not someone I thought I am. I did not act like that.
I got better because Vicky was less suicidal than before, and she visited me, she still cared about me, after that. Some of the pressure was taken. But not for so long.
Next month was much worse. If that was hell, this was the tartar.
She started being more suicidal than before, she skipped classes, and went missing for few hours, with no signs of life. I could not leave her alone, because I was so afraid, that I might loose her.
I started to have some problems in my student life, since I was switching classes and my frequency was low. The headmaster was curious why is that so. I could not explain, even if i wanted, because that would be the end of her life, she would definitely kill herself, break up with me, all of the worst things in one, like pandora’s cage. So I lied, I lied all the time, to our friends, to my parents, to everyone except her. I turned out to be a complete liar, my opinion was lower than ever, but I did all of it for her, so in my mind it was okay. This is what we do for the ones that we love, right?
The constant stress came back. There was a moment that I have been interrogated by the headmaster, psychologists, and other staff people, but I still remained silent.
Well, it went that far, that I started vomiting almost everyday, because the pressure was so big, that I felt nauseus all the time.
There was a situation where I ran out of headmaster’s office because she texted me that she will kill herself right now. She closed herself in my room, using a key, and I was not able talk to her, or act, or do anything. I actualy ended up breaking the door. They were much more solid than I thought
I tried to convince Vicky, that she needs help, and I will try to talk to her parents about that. She did not want me to, we argued about that, but eventually I succeded and she let me call her mother. I was meant to do it later that day, but in the meantime, my mother called me.
I did not tell her anything, because I do not trust her at all, but in that moment, I was so devastated, I have completely dissociated, I told her some things that I was not meant to say. Not much, but enough for her to act. She did not care about me crying, telling her not to do that, that it would
PLEASE READ everything up. She did call.
Vicky broke up with me that night. For about an hour or two, actually. I succeded, but she told me it is me or my mother. Another situation without a way out. It is important to mention that I was underage, and separating from a parent was basically impossible back then. After few hours of fighting I negotiated reducing contact with my mother to maximum of 2 minutes a day (i guess? I do not remember now). It was not a problem for me, but how do I explain it to my mother? That was hard, but I did reduce our talks and stuff, I did what she expected me to do, right?
Unfortunately after about week or even less, it seemed like something was off. She told me that she is not able to trust me anymore, and broke up with me (yes, again). She could not understand how I managed to say and do something I did not want to do. Few hours later, we were back together. I had to promise to respect some restrictions, that were absolutely crazy, but I did promise, since I knew that this was the only way for me to be with her. That was all I wanted, so despite all of the craziness of those I agreed on things like: „if I do something like that again, she is free to kill herself and I cannot intervere”. Well I did not break the promise to this day, and I won’t, but she probably does not remember about it anymore.
This was not the end of
PLEASE READed up situations. This was just a beggining. I do not want to describe everything, but her mother is kind of traumatized woman that does not want help, and she told Vicky not to trust me basically on every ocassion, during their every talk.
My mother and the headmaster talked about us and the problems, and when the principal called Vicky’s parents to schedule a meeting. Her mother prepared papers and talked to a lawyer, and told Vicky, that if my mother does not tell the principal that „she lied” she will sue my mother for beschmiring.
Of course, it was all on me. I had to reverse the past and make people believe that it was not true, and that I am just stupid and I missinterprated her, and made it up and JUST FIX THE PAST.
I tried to do it, I loved her no matter what, and I could not cope with her not being close to me anymore.
During that time, the psychologist from the school started interrogating people about me (discretly). She thinks that I am conected to something illegal or so (yes, she actually told me that, straight to my face). She even followed me on the campus.
It was quite stressing, because my every move was observed, every absence was consultated with the dorm’s principal, and my parents. They even threatened me with police, when Vicky did not go to school one day. All of this sounds like a fiction, but I was there, I was in the center of the attention, and I just wanted to keep Vicky safe, and do not let her harm herself.
I do not remember how it managed to slow down a bit, and became more chill, like discrete, but I know that every time I was without her, I felt bad, like really bad. I did not eat anything (I tried to), I kept losing power. Lucky for me, she felt better, and stopped talking about comitting suicide. A month has passed by, it was rather chill (if we ignore the being followed fact). Then it was the end of the school year, and I went to work, so we were meant not to see each other for almost two months.
During the first month, July, everything looked fine, except the fact that she started texting me less and less. I was worried, but I thought that I might just be wrong, so I waited. She started ending our calls faster than ever (after 10-30 minutes, while our calls were approximately 4 hours long before) she was always busy, told me that she will call back when she’s home, but she did not. I started to analyze everything, and found some facts that did not match, but I felt like it right to give her some time, after such a hard year. I deleted every app, and started to contact my family via email or phone calls. I wanted to give her more space, and this was a huge mistake. After two weeks I just could not wait anymore. What if something happened, what if she does not want to tell me that she’s suicidal again, or something else? I did not know if she’s alive actually.
I texted her, she did not respond, but I know that she viewed my messages. It was too much for me, sorry, but I was not able to stop myself from telling her about how I feel about her ignoring me, etc. (what is more, I have had a delusion about my friend not existing, and being a multiaccount made by Vicky to spy on me, that was scary).
I asked her if she still feels something towards me, she told me that she does not know, then that she does not feel anything. I asked her few days ago if something has changed, nothing. Vicky told me that my presence is making her feel much worse, and even wanting to hurt herself.
It broke me. Completely.
She told me, that I should go to a mental hospital, that I am ill, and I need urgent help, that I have to be healthy if I want to be with her. Not to mention that I was meeting with a therapist once a week for more than half a year.
I went to a psychiatrist, since I could not function like a normal person. (I have been disgnosed with depression, anxiety disorder, ADHD and asperger, after multiple meetings with proffesionals all over my country).
He told me, that I should stick to facts, not feelings. I do not know, but it has completely changed me. I spent a whole month trying to make the ends meet in my life. I dealt with every burden in my life, no more fobias, ptsd’s, suicidal thoughts, lack of self-confidence, everything that I collected for my whole life. I felt like a new person, but the only thing that is left is getting Vicky back. It is the only thing that is left, that makes me feel dizzy, bad or stressed. I still love her as much as I did a year, or a half ago. I don’t care about all we have been through, and she put me into. I want to start again, be a better person, able to communicate, and think clearly, not to be a hero, but a loving half. There are people able to deal with problems, and I am not the person, that was supposed to fix all of this.
I understand everything now, I have read multiple books about borderline, and therapy, and communication. I admit that I was wrong, and acted spontaneusly. I do not blame myself, but regret that I did not do that earlier.
She does not feel comfortable while talking to me. I do not want to push her, I try to show her some empathy, and that I care about how she feels, not being selfish, that I understand, that she might experience something different than me, basically all of that stuff.
I talk to her once a day for few minutes.
Is there something I should do? Opinions, maybe a thing to avoid? Any literature? It’s been a month since she broke up with me. But it’s been just few days since we came back to dorm. This is the first time I belive in myself. I have changed, I did everything I could think of. Is it all about time?
I see that she is trying to fill the empty space by flirting with men, I am worried, that it might end bad for her since those guys are treating girls like toys, she started to act the way she always criticized and made fun of, this is not like her
