it is a bit of awkward phrasing.
how do you not "take it personally" when its coming from your loved one, and its incredibly hurtful?
Then later, he doesn't mean it?
have you ever just lost it emotionally? whether you were angry, or lets say incredibly depressed.
and then later, when you were back to baseline, maybe you looked back and it seemed a bit extreme?
bpd can look a lot like that, but more frequent, and at a more extreme level. and when you have bpd, it can be hard to separate, because those feelings are a lot more extreme.
that, ultimately, is what is meant by "dont take it personally".
it means that people with bpd traits, generally speaking, speak and act in extreme ways. they love in an over the top way, and they 'hate' in an over the top way. both are exaggerated, and to invest too much in either one is going to drag you around.
youre not the best person in the world. youre not the worst person in the world. but in a moment of extreme emotions, your loved one may tell you that you are one or the other. it is best to think of these as, not insincere expressions, necessarily, but, extreme and overstated ones, that may be subject to change.
I watched a few tiktoks about being a partner of someone with BPD and they all say don't take it personally, we don't mean it.
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If he can observe those things, in that way, it feels like they are always there, underneath, after he calms down and apologizes and life goes on. How is it for you?
i do not mean to suggest you merely dismiss or ignore these things.
our partners may have genuine and reasonable needs, or asks, or critiques of us as a partner. these things may still be communicated in an extreme, or dysfunctional way, but if you are able to step back and examine them in a detached way, you can tend to find the underlying feeling thats driving it. so you dont want to get in the habit (as i often did) of just dismissing any concern your partner expresses.
but you also dont want disrespect and abuse to thrive in your relationship. you certainly dont want to just "ignore" those things. you want to, as much as you can realistically expect to, nip them in the bud.
Then later, he doesn't mean it?
riling you up, getting your reactions to these hurtful things, is, on some level, a way of trying to emotionally regulate himself. its a dysfunctional way, obviously, but your reaction to it "works" on some level.
when hes doing that, hes trying to get some need met. maybe he senses a waxing a waning of your feelings/attachment. maybe hes feeling insecure, maybe hes asking for attention. but part of "disorder" is, well, trying to get those needs met in dysfunctional ways. its, for example, yelling at someone and calling them a terrible person, when what you really want to say is "i need a hug". at some point, life taught him that the former would work better for him.
so, what happens after these fights, when he tells you he doesnt mean it?
what led up to his diagnosis? a diagnosis can be a torrential event.