How to help partner with BPD ex - trigger warning

[SaviorComplex]

I’m one month in with a guy (call him Goku, 39M) I just learned about what happened with Goku’s exGF. She checks all the boxes for BPD. He met her through a hook-up site when he was 34, she was 27. She is a practicing attorney. He essentially moved in with her after only a week of knowing her/sleeping with her the first night  and he stayed for four years. She had a history of promiscuity, lots of drug/alcohol issues, partying all the time, not remembering what she had done, lots of “I hate you, don’t leave me” break-ups and screaming, throwing things at him, unstable relationships before him and her crying about every guy always leaving her, walking on eggshells per high highs, low lows emotional rollercoaster, etc.

He’s a shy guy and she was his first actual relationship, minus a short-lived thing when he was 20. He moved out for good 8 months ago. He had tried to leave a few times prior but she would always sob and plead for him to stay, threaten self harm, promise to change, etc. but he just couldn’t take it any more. She has been in therapy for years already, though he doesn’t know whether it was for BPD. I sent him some links about BPD and what he experienced sounds a lot like what’s listed on all of these BPD websites, so we’re pretty sure she has BPD.

I came out of a terrible 9 month relationship last year (let’s call him Vegeeta). Vegeeta’s exGF/baby mama is likely Narcissist BPD. She and Veg had and on/off relationship for 19 years (probably together 11ish years in that time frame), but according to Veg, it only lasted that long because of the kids (she wouldn’t let him see the kids if he didn’t do what she wanted and she first got pregnant on purpose to keep him from leaving her… but because she was cheating on him, he didn’t know if the first kid was his - he didn’t want a paternity test and decided to raise as his own anyway).

After she found out about me, all hell broke loose. I knew nothing about BPD or NPD last year and had no idea how to support Veg through what I’ve come to understand as the narcissistic abuse cycle. I discovered he had cheated on me with her and I said some very hurtful things to him.

 **trigger warning**

After that/our break-up, he drank himself to death binging on dozens of bottles of vodka.

Given this history, I feel very concerned after learning about Goku’s ex, but he’s a different man and I can sense that he’s not nearly as broken as Veg was…. But he’s still scarred. He admitted  he feels traumatized by the experience with her. He has not sought therapy. I’ve been in therapy since Veg’s ex keyed my car. Goku’s only relationship is a 4 year toxic one with a BPD ex and that relationship didn’t happen until was 34.

Goku was raised by a loving mother and grandmother and has been consistently sweet and caring with me. Very straight forward, honest, hard-working, a little timid at times, and incredibly sweet. If this is who he truly is, I want to make it work. This is the type of my man I want to grow old with.

What are some common issues/concerns men with ex BPD partners face when entering into a new relationship? I worry that  he may lapse and want a dose of the exciting BPD, or more likely, out of compassion, feel sorry for her and try to help her.

I don’t think Goku is as broken as Veg was, but they’ve only been apart for 8ish months and I’m Goku’s 2nd ever relationship, only one month in. I’m a very stable person emotionally, financially, physically. I’m a doting partner, relaxed, goofy, affectionate and low maintenance. I hate bothering people, don’t like to ask for anything and love to help others. I have an amicable coparenting relationship with my ex-husband and my 2 exBFs post divorce tried to win me back for years. i.e., I’m a great romantic partner.

So far, Goku kinda seems to know how to be a good partner, too, but what might I have to anticipate with him in the future? I understand everyone is different, but for a 34-38  yo man’s first ever relationship to be with a 27-31 yo BPD woman and for that to last 4 years, what are some likely problems?

Is he going to feel bored with me because I don’t yell, have tantrums and throw things at him?

Since she love-bombed him, I’m trying to play it cool and go slow. I don’t want to scare him. I let him know I think he’s cool and that I care about him. I’m very affectionate with him. With a traumatized shy/timid-ish guy, is this the way to go? Or, since he’s used to the intense drama, is he going to wonder if maybe I’m not right for him because it’s too calm and peaceful? Feel bored? He’s probably not getting all the intense emotions he likely got with her because she was so chaotic, so would he doubt an authentic connection with me as a result?

He was very clearly attracted to me the first few weeks. I get a lot of male attention and he knows this, so I try to be more transparent about how much I like him. I want him to feel secure about me/us. I’m a very loyal partner. I don’t think there’s any concern with chemistry/attraction between us. However, since I pointed out Goku’s ex probably has BPD and after sending him a bunch of links about it, he has noticeably withdrawn this past week. I asked him about it and he said he’s just been really busy at work and he’s moving into a new place. He asked if I thought he was somehow damaged by his ex and I said it would be completely normal if there were some issues that came up between us because of his experiences with his ex.

But what might those be? How would we know if it was an ex BPD trauma response type thing vs just normal, figuring it out between a new couple, issue? Since we’re only one month in and barely know one another, I’m trying not to get my hopes up or get too invested, but given what happened with Veg, I think I’m feeling even more drawn to him. I’m working through the need to save him bit with my therapist, but I still really do like this guy. He’s the sweetest guy I’ve ever gone out with. Our dates last about 6+ hours each time and we have fun/laugh a lot together.

Any insights on what to expect and how best to approach him would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you

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[Cat Familiar]

You are wise to consider the emotional damage that can occur when one has a BPD partner. And I’m glad you have therapeutic support. You may have mentioned this in your post—no time to re-read, but does Goku have a therapist? Doing therapy after breaking up with my BPDex certainly was valuable.

[Pook075]

What are some common issues/concerns men with ex BPD partners face when entering into a new relationship? I worry that  he may lapse and want a dose of the exciting BPD, or more likely, out of compassion, feel sorry for her and try to help her.

Hi and thanks for posting- it's an interesting question you asked.  On this forum, it seems like a lot of us guys have jumped from one dysfunctional relationship to another, because we seek that over-the-top love bombing and everything being perfect.  I mean, who wouldn't want to be loved unconditionally, have the best sex of their lives, be put on a pedestal, etc? 

The only problem is that it's not actually real and it never lasts.  Once the honeymoon phase ends, all hell breaks loose.

Your ex is not seeking a replacement of what the ex-girlfriend is now...I GUARANTEE you that she was not that way when they got together.  She was sweet, loving, caring, always willing to help and support.  That's what he fell for, not the other side of her personality that came out later.  So I feel your fears are misplaced- he's DEFINITELY not seeking someone to scream at him and degrade him.

My personal story is being married 24 years to a BPD, only to have her walk away without a single argument.  She was Quiet BPD and that essentially means that instead of outward rage, everything was directed inward to self-sabotage and inflict pain.  I stood by her for years as she shrank into a shell, with the reasoning that eventually she'd snap out of it and we'd have our former life back.  I never even realized how alone or unsupported I felt.

I started dating online a few months ago and the first two women were likely BPD.  As soon as I recognized it, I ran as fast as I could away from them.  You see, I wanted the incredible love story, the passion, the closeness...but I want that forever.  We all deserve to be loved as much as we love others, and it seems like spouses of BPD people generally turn out to be pretty decent people.  The relationship wouldn't have lasted otherwise.

Right now, I am three months into a long-distance relationship and I am simply amazed by her kind, gracious, giving heart.  Every day she reaffirms how much she loves me, but at the same time she also nags me over taking my medicine or giving the dog a bath.  If I say it, she remembers, because my life is important to her just like her life is to me.  It's a true two-way relationship and I am probably the happiest I've ever been in my entire life.

Don't fret over your boyfriend- he does not want drama and pain.  He may bear some scars from that relationship and some things may be difficult for him, because he was abused and that doesn't always fade away quickly.  Support him and love him as long as he's doing the same for you.  I promise he won't get bored, LOL.

I hope that helped- I tried to dig deep and be vulnerable.  It's not easy to do but it feels really good at the same time.