Unique Situation

[Seiko]

Hi, all. I am Seiko. I have a grandmother and an aunt who very likely have BPD traits(they have BPD); however, unfortunately, they were never diagnosed. They are the ones who believe that they do not have any issues with themselves. My grandma was diagnosed with depression, but I think it was misdiagnosed. I, unfortunately, live with my maternal family since I do not have enough money to live by myself and can't afford a roommate. My father is living in another country with his wife. My mom and grandpa agree that they have "Strong personalities" but never really realize they have serious mental illnesses. My mom is always out of the house with her boyfriend, playing a sport or working in the room since she teleworks. I am the one who always has to deal with the outrages of my aunt and the aggression of my grandma. My grandma is physically violent to my aunt, and my aunt is only violent to me when she is full of rage. I think my grandma's mother also had BPD.
My mom and I(I am working to remove those traits) have BPD traits since we grew up with people who have BPD but never got treated. I have tried to set boundaries, but I was accused of being the wrong person. I tried to walk away when my aunt was full of rages, but she physically stopped me.   My grandpa is more like an enabler since he does nothing regarding their abusive behaviors. He rarely tells my aunt and grandma, "Stop fighting." then they calm down, but they will fight again another day. I do not know why my grandpa decided to stay with a woman who was abused verbally and emotionally, but he was a heavy drinker, and I'm sure it is because of my grandma. But he also had verbally abused his daughters. I do not know what to do anymore... I know it isn't their fault for their behavior. It is all the disorder. What I am more scared of is my aunt stopping me from walking away when she is yelling at me, screaming at me, and calling me names. She once told me she had to yell at me to get my attention. Hi. I finally finished the book, so I went home, and my grandma used to ask me if I would eat in the house or outside, but this time she didn't, so once I returned home to eat lunch, she made some meat so I asked her if she can please call me to ask me if I will eat inside of the house or not, then she said no because it is my responsible for calling her and that she is the one who cooks every day.  THAT! SHE IS ONLY PERSON WHO IS MAKING HERSELF TO COOK ALL THE TIME! She used to ask me. She also seemed heightened in anger, like wanting to argue, but I stayed calm. Then, she was watching television, and my mind went spiraling on what she was saying; I got soooooo angry that I slammed the door when I entered my bedroom. I will return again to the issue when we both are not heightened.  It was a trigger for her. I have no idea what was the cause. But it was a trigger for her. I have decided to write notes of their behaviors to see the patterns... yes my therapist mentioned it to me before, but I made excuses not to do it. So I decided to do it now that it is time to take care of myself and enough of projecting and feeling "guilty or bad" just because grandma or an aunt is doing house chores while I do "nothing."

[kells76]

Hi Seiko and welcome  so glad you felt ready to reach out for some support. Finding people who understand the unique things you're going through makes a huge difference; I know.

Dealing with two pwBPD (persons with BPD) sounds beyond overwhelming! I think I'm reading that you live with Mom, Grandma, and Grandpa? Did I get that right? Does your aunt live with you as well, or only visit?

It's difficult feeling trapped in a situation with pwBPD. Are you attending school/college/university right now? Any part time or full time job? I'm curious to learn if you have things you leave the house to do, where you can feel OK telling Grandma "It's time for me to go to school/work/temple/etc now". Getting a break from the drama is important.

Journaling is another smart idea. How has that been going for you?

And I know it's a lot of questions -- just getting a better sense of your situation -- have you considered seeing a therapist or counselor at all? Lots of members here do; it can help us stay grounded and feel less "crazy" in the midst of the storm.

Hope you are able to settle in here and check out some other threads and links; there's so much helpful information.

Fill us in on how things are going, whenever works best for you;

kells76

[TelHill]

Hi Seiko,

Welcome to the group!

I am the adult daughter of a mother wBPD.   I found it difficult to live with her and my FOO. I was the target of their anger for no known reason other than being a convenient scapegoat. I was hit by my mother when I was a child.  Living under the threat of violence is very difficult. 

I avoided my family as much as possible. I made plans to leave and finally did.

As kells said, I hope you have someone to reach out to like a therapist or a friend, and you have school or work to go to outside your house.

I hope things work out better for you.

[Seiko]

Thank you It is. I live with all of them including aunt, she go to Boston for one week to work then she return home to telework. I heard that Aunt, grandparents are going to Puerto Rico for Thanksgiving and Christmas(I hope they follow through since they sometime do not follow through), so I hopefully will have a break to be able to breathe. It is. I had a part-time job but that job was not giving me many hours, I was working in retail store but they were not giving me many hours so I was rarely working and I had to leave due my home situation is getting worse and I kept skipping work because I was doing something that I shouldn't(It isn't drugs or anything harmful) so I decided to quit the job and I felt peace. I signed up for volunteer in the afternoon since that is when my aunt or grandma are heightened for whatever reasons so I am waiting for the volunteer to reach me to when I will begin to volunteer. I have connections in two volunteer places. So, I hope I am able to find a job sooner and I been searching for a job for almost six months. Feel like I will never get a full time job. I have a bachelor's degree and Master's degree. It has been going okay since I'm not a writer but I decided to write notes on my relative w/bpd so I can find a pattern in their behaviors to be cautious. I am seeing a therapist for 3 years now. Recently, she mentioned that she suspects that my relatives have BPD and turn  out they do so I am learning about BPD but the same, I am learning about how to regulate my emotions again since it been out of the control well not that bad as BPD but since I grew up with relatives that have BPD so I have a lot of BPD traits. I will do DBT workbook that I have again so I can focus on something that is healthier for me than doing my old cope mechanism. Also, I am getting out the house often as I can. Like attending Bible studies and Disciple groups. I just need to get out of the house more days like Monday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday which I will once I begin volunteer. I had all emotions of sad and anger inside of me so that why I did that today, I begin to say " I hate BPD" out loud then I cry then when I finally stop crying, I said many times I hate BPD until I screamed to the top of my lungs then I finally feel better. Like I let all of those anger and sad out of my chest.
@TelHill, Interestig... I am also the target of their anger for no reason as well. I wonder why they sometime picks a person to toss all of those anger. It is especially when there is no job yet because no one has hired me yet. That what I plan to do, to leave the house much as I can with volunteering and doing something on Saturdays. I do have a therapist that has been working with me for 3 years. Thanks
 

[SaltyDawg]

Seiko,
   
Welcome to the forums.  In both of your messages you mentioned that you have BPD traits and you are doing DBT from your workbook.  Some BPD traits are also found in codependents, ask your therapist if they think this might be happening, and if so, there is CoDA.org that offers free meetings for support and recovery of codependent traits for additional support.

I would suggest asking your therapist of 3 years for more ideas on how to cope with your family members.  Self-care is a critical component to living with someone with BPD.  You may want to look up 'self-care' for more ideas on how to cope with your family members.

Getting out of the home and doing volunteer work are very good coping mechanisms of self-care for dealing with a less than ideal home life which sounds like it is very overwhelming for you.

Since you want to learn more about BPD, I would suggest reading either one of these books:

I Hate You-- Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality
by Hal Straus and Jerold J. Kreisman

or their more recent follow-on book:

Sometimes I Act Crazy: Living with Borderline Personality Disorder
by Hal Straus and Jerold J. Kreisman

Good luck.  Ask questions to learn more.  Most importantly, take care of yourself with self-care.