What a journey this is!

[Tassielass]

I have only recently learnt about personality disorders. The discovery came from googling ‘conditions with exaggerated emotions’ and what prompted the search was one of hundreds of emotionally draining interactions with my uBPD 77-year-old mother.

I don’t remember much of my childhood. I remember being yelled at a lot and hit across the ears until about the age of 9 when I blocked her strike and she hurt her wrist. I also remember being smothered by a needy kind of love and expected to comfort her when she was sad or hurt. My mother was a single parent, and I am her only child. When I was 13yrs old she fell in love with a man she met overseas (over a 4-day period) and told me he was moving across the ocean to come live with us, and I would call him Dad. I remember feeling strange about the suddenness of it all and what it meant to call him ‘Dad’, while also finding relief in thinking that perhaps this meant her attention wouldn’t be solely on me.

I’m only now realising how resilient I am. I feel lucky to have always had an inner understanding that she alone was responsible for her emotional wellbeing – although that’s not to say I wasn’t still deeply affected by it. At 16yrs old I started leaving home and the following year dropped out of high school so she couldn’t find me. I did end up reconciling with her and returning home before turning 18yrs but promptly moved out again after my 18th birthday.

Pretty much ever since then I’ve been keeping her at arm’s length. We’ve had periods in the last 30 years where we’ve been closer than at other times. I lived in the same town as her from ages 21 to 40 and she has been a big part of my son’s life. Over the years I watched her transfer the rage she used to direct at me and my stepfather onto herself (and still my stepfather), and of course the poor ‘incompetent or mean service person’. She seemed to be settling with age and she relished spending time with her grandson – who seemed to provide an opportunity for a ‘do over’. Still, there has always been the sense that we (my son and I) are her everything and she cannot survive without us.

My mother has lived alone for the past 25years. She doesn’t really have any friends and up until recently has been adamant that she doesn’t need people in her life – just the irregular / regular calls and visits from us. I’ve told her several times over the years that she needs to have her own life and find other things that bring her happiness besides us but now I don’t think that’s ever sunk in. She’s just been covertly waiting to get old enough and frail enough to play the waif card. And play it she has! She’s displaying symptoms of dementia and it seems to be advancing quickly. In less than 12 months we’ve gone from her being vehemently independent and rejecting any suggestion of getting medical or psychological check-ups to me becoming her representative for aged care services and her power of attorney. We’ve moved her from living alone in a large house into a one-bedroom serviced apartment in a retirement village. I now get calls asking me to drive two hours to come and walk her to the dining room for her meals or to find a cardigan she can’t see. I used to speak with her fortnightly and visit every couple of months, now I’ll be lucky to not hear from her for a day. Talk about needing to readjust boundaries on a daily basis!!

Thankfully all this pulling and pushing from her has lead me here.. It’s lead me to therapy and definitions for and understanding behind the things I’ve been through – not just ‘it was a challenging childhood but hey, it could have been worse’.

The searing resentment I felt when she finally acknowledged her declining health and asked for help was palpable. It was what made me realise that I wasn’t ok, my childhood wasn’t ok and the only way to get beyond the resentment was to face it head on, with self-love and compassion.

[Methuen]

Well I just have to say you are miles ahead of where I was when I landed on this site for similar reasons a number of years ago.  You are doing well with this even if some days don’t feel that way. 

My comment- since your mom has given you POA, has she also signed over healthcare POA?

My mom didn’t do this, and I wasn’t aware there was a difference, and that is a big problem especially when a BPD mother is involved.

[Tassielass]

Hi Methuen, thanks so much for your encouragement and kind words.

No, my mum hasn't given me medical POA and I actually doubt she ever would. The last time we spoke about it her response was 'you would have to go to court to prove I'm crazy'. I haven't brought it up again since then.

I'm really struggling taking on these extra caretaking roles for her. Particularly as we came out of her Drs office yesterday (she wouldn't let me go in with her) with her saying that her blood and brain scan is all fine and she doesn't have dementia and her Dr told her she doesn't need to come back in again. When I brought up the fact there are definitely signs of cognitive issues, that she herself admits to, she changed her story and said the Dr told her she has mild dementia - which isn't even a diagnosis! And still there was no suggestion of follow up tests or checks. She seems to think now that she's absolutely fine. She certainly didn't seem fine trying to get accounts and paperwork sorted for her move and she can't have a coherent conversation. It totally feels like I'm back at square one and now want to back off all together!

[Methuen]

This is all about control.  The worse her health gets, and the more she struggles, the worse her behavior will become from the stress, and this will manifest in these behaviors where she makes poor decisions, lives at risk, and has you running circles around her.  Many of us are afraid of our mom’s, and end up being doormats until we can’t take it anymore. Not sure what your situation is.

She doesn’t want you to hear what the doc is saying because she wants to control the information you get.  If she’s BPD, her version of the truth is probably different than what the doc is saying. She will hear what she wants to hear from her doc, and present that to you as fact.  She might even believe it.  At least that was my experience. Until she got Parkinson’s, and lost her ability to get her words out in stressful situations, which includes dr appts.  Truthfully it’s not any easier if you go to the appt because you are not allowed to speak the truth in my experience.

Your challenge will be to figure out what you can do/are willing to do, and what you can’t do.  She will run you into the ground if you let her. 

It’s good she’s in a retirement village.  There’s probably no skilled nursing care there, or is there?

Is she the one calling you every day? Eg to find her sweater?

If you didn’t answer the call to take her to the dining room (2 hours away), what would happen?

Can you screen your calls from her?  Let her leave messages?  You are at work right? Or with family or forgot your phone?

My 87 yo mom texts and emails me.  Most of them I respond to the next day, and occasionally not at all.  If it’s not a “needy” or “silly “ email, I’ll give her positive reinforcement and reply immediately.  There’s a lot of strategy.

Glad to hear you have a T.  That is immensely helpful.  I find it’s helpful to have their knowledge and experience guiding me with new ways of seeing and thinking.  Mine helps me know what normal is,  and stick handle my way through my mom’s own version of crazy. And she challenges my thinking sometimes, ehichbis good because I’m working on undoing some of my mom’s brainwashing. 

Currently I’ve been working on getting more comfortable with accepting my mom’s choices to live at risk.  And learning how to live my life without carrying so much guilt.

It’s good you are 2 hours away.  You probably wish it was more some days.  Two hours is still a good boundary

You will have to look after YOU, because she won’t have the capacity.  I’ve had to learn to practice self care, and learn it’s not selfish like mom taught me it was.

[Tassielass]

Oh my gosh, I can't believe how accurate your responses are!

This is all about control.  The worse her health gets, and the more she struggles, the worse her behavior will become from the stress, and this will manifest in these behaviors where she makes poor decisions, lives at risk, and has you running circles around her.  Many of us are afraid of our mom’s, and end up being doormats until we can’t take it anymore. Not sure what your situation is.

^^THIS rings so true! so does your description of her motives and dealings with doctors.

Your insight of

Truthfully it’s not any easier if you go to the appt because you are not allowed to speak the truth in my experience.

Really hits home!

Not being allowed to speak the truth has certainly been the case in the dealings I've had with her and aged care assessment workers. The feeling of sitting there listening to her give them incomplete and/or entirely untrue information and then getting attacked for trying to fill in the gaps or give the truth sends me right back to childhood. In a way it's felt cathartic to re-experience all the feelings - fear, embarrassment, guilt, confusion, anger. Having said that, I'm also feeling like it's not a situation I need or want to keep putting myself through!!

The retirement village where she is has 24hr support staff who aren't medically trained but she does have emergency call buttons in her apartment. She has been approved for an aged care home package which will give her a dedicated support worker to assist her with general help, occupational therapy, psychology (good luck to them getting her to see a psychologist). These services will start in a few months so really, I'm expecting to step right out of her day-to-day health and wellbeing needs once they start.

Yes, she's the one trying to make contact daily. I've gotten her in the habit of texting first rather than calling and I have a dedicated text and ring tone just for her. These small things have been helpful.

The unreasonable requests tend to happen verbally over the phone (or in person) and are not related to whatever we were on the phone to talk about. She generally gets a prompt response of 'no, I'm not driving two hours to do this. E.g. If you don't want to go to the dining room alone then perhaps you could have your dinner in your apartment.' Her counter response then is always (with a rejected tone), 'I know, I know'. I've come to think that she wants to hear me say no to her. That she knows it's an unreasonable request but she wants to play the victim and put me in the position of being the not good enough daughter that always says no.

As you say, thank goodness for therapists and those we have around us to provide sanity checks! I also really love what you've said about accepting your mom's choice to live at risk and letting go of the guilt. I feel like this is where I want to get to as well.

Ha ha, yep - two hours away doesn't feel far enough at times for sure!

Thanks so much for sharing your experiences and insights. It's unbelievably helpful!!

[Methuen]

I'm glad it helped Tassielass.

Your intro sounded like you were describing my mom in many ways.  There's a number of us on this forum in the same boat...

I never cease to marvel (sadly) at how "cookie cutter" these elderly BPD moms are.  My big regret is not beginning to understand all this until I was in my 50's.  By then she had me well trained to please her ("or else"), and it's been distressing to learn about her illness so late in her life, and try to change my actions around her when I'm 60.  She pushes back and that has caused distress.  She lives minutes from me.

She has been approved for an aged care home package which will give her a dedicated support worker to assist her with general help, occupational therapy, psychology (good luck to them getting her to see a psychologist). These services will start in a few months so really, I'm expecting to step right out of her day-to-day health and wellbeing needs once they start.

THIS!  OMG!  This is amazing, but my question: has she agreed to it?

The reason I ask, is because my mom refuses this.  She has decided that all people who live there are abused.  This narrative fits her agenda to have us look after her.  It's complete malarky as I know the people who work there and they are extraordinary caring people.  The place is well managed, and really attractive, and the apartments are beautiful. One of her best friends comes from the family who advocated to build it years ago, and the facility has their family name. Of course her fear is irrational, and nothing will change that. My mom was approved for assisted living 3 years ago, but refused to go on the waiting list.  She recently agreed to go on the waiting list, but I KNOW that if her name were to come up by some miracle (she's 87 and the waiting list is still 3 years - and floating), she would REFUSE, because she was told she could refuse, and that's how she agreed to it.  I just know her.  In the meantime, she continues to traumatize me and be a burden to my H, while the system and society hold me (and H) responsible for her because I am the daughter.  We are her only family.  There is no one else.

So her choice to live with so much risk, will eventually result in a catastrophic fall or health issue, and then she will stay in hospital until a "space" becomes available at the complex care level (sometimes this can take a year), b/c there's no way she's coming home to live with me.  I have accepted that she will eventually go straight to complex care, which doesn't sound so bad on paper, except for H and I who are responsible for her in the interim.  Someone has to get her to all those appointments, and maintain her house and yard, and buy her groceries and clothing needs, and manage her meds and solve her daily issues.  It doesn't seem quite right that she gets to live in her home, but it's family who do all the work to keep her there because she has the right to make that choice. 

So I'm really hoping for you, that she has "agreed" to this aged care home package in advance.  That would be a huge win!

[Methuen]

She generally gets a prompt response of 'no, I'm not driving two hours to do this. E.g. If you don't want to go to the dining room alone then perhaps you could have your dinner in your apartment.'

Good for you!  It's a friendly way of saying she is responsible for solving her own problem.

It's helpful for me to read this response.  My instinct when mom is being needy has historically been to feel bad for her and validate her feelings and support her and rescue her and make her feel better, rather than respond in the logical way you did.  Then as she aged, her needs got so overwhelming I couldn't cope.  Enter resentment.  So it is a constant challenge for me to form new brain pathways and "ways of responding" to her, and her behavior.  The solution is so simple:  "have them deliver the meal to your room".  But it's such an about-face from how we've been trained and brainwashed to take care of them in a way that we don't even realize we are doing it - because it's just so normal to try to fix it for them.  Is the aged care home she's going to also 2 hours away?

[Tassielass]

Sorry Methuen, I didn't explain the aged care home package very well. We're in Australia and it is a government program that provides aged care services in the person's home - it's not an aged care / assisted living home.

She will be able to stay in the retirement village and will have a support worker who organises the services to come to her. We’re very much hoping this will be enough support / care for her for a little while at least.  But then who knows what’s really going on with her health. It feels so hard to know what’s made up and real.

In the meantime, she continues to traumatize me and be a burden to my H, while the system and society hold me (and H) responsible for her because I am the daughter.  We are her only family.  There is no one else.

URGHH.. I know what you mean! For us it’s my husband, my son (he’s her version of the golden child) and I. She has sister who won’t speak to her and a couple of cousins she doesn’t keep in contact with.

It’s amazing how they can swear they are independent when clearly, they wouldn’t be able to function normally without us.

I just love what you said about it being your mother’s choice to live with risk. This will serve as a great reminder for me as well.

It’s been a rocky week this week having to talk with her about account and admin related things which she takes as an opportunity to release her disappointment at me about pretty much everything that’s going on. For the first time in decades she’s directing her full anger at me and communicating with me like she did when I was a kid – before I left home. It’s been triggering to say the least and makes it impossible to keep grey rocking. The constant complaining was one thing, but reliving childhood trauma is not something I want to (or think I need to) keep experiencing. So, I’ve called a no contact period. I’m going away for a week in a couple of days – perfect timing!

Talk about ups and downs in this whole trying to help your challenging, aging, mentally unwell parent hey?!

[Methuen]

That aged care home package sounds optimal- even more so if your mom accepts it.  Mine has received home care many times, but then decides she doesn’t like people coming into her house and cancels it - even when she medically needs the help.

I hope your mom accepts it!

Tassielass, enjoy your time away!