I think my BPD partner also has undiagnosed OCD

[PurplePuppy]

Hi, This is my first post, but I've been reading this forum off and on for a while. Some background, I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost 9 years. We are both 28 now and met in college then moved in together after graduating. I figured out he had BPD like 3 years ago after reading a list of BPD traits that perfectly matched his behavior. I read Stop Walking on Eggshells shortly after coming to the conclusion he had BPD.

Last summer he started seeing a new therapist again after a few years off from therapy. Our relationship had come to a breaking point and I was able to get him to see how destructive his behavior had become and that he needed help. I wasn't going to accept being emotionally abused any longer and could see that his true self didn't want to be that way, but he wasn't in control of the splitting. I had already mentioned to him that I think he might have BPD, so he went into therapy with that in his mind as a possibility. He also took it fairly well when I suggested BPD to him because I think he was so desperate to understand why he was the way he was and also wasn't aware of the stigma attached to the diagnosis, so it didn't seem so scary to him.

Not long into starting therapy, his therapist had him answer some questions as a diagnostic test for BPD, and to no one's surprise it showed that he definitely has BPD. Since then, he's made a lot of progress, particularly around managing his anger. He's also been prescribed anti-anxiety medication, which has been helpful. We're working on rebuilding trust and have a ways to go, but it's progress.

I'm also in therapy and have been for the last 5 years. Over that time my therapist has heard all the ups and downs of our relationship and has pointed out a few times over in the last few months that she suspects my BPDbf may also have OCD. My therapist recently completed some OCD specialist certification and has OCD herself. At first I wasn't so sure, but the more I research OCD the more I'm seeing red flags, particularly around EXCESSIVE reassurance seeking and his complete intolerance to uncertainty (which his codependent mother gladly feeds into constantly and excessively, which doesn't help the situation at all).

I had been hoping his therapist would pick up on the OCD red flags and figure it out without me involved. I don't think my BPDbf would receive me "diagnosing" him again as well this time because he feels like he's made so much progress with his BPD rage that he thinks he has his mental health nearly totally under control (he recognizes that BPD will still be a lifelong struggle but the improvement is very noticeable from a year ago), so much so that apparently he and his therapist agreed that they can start meeting every other week instead of weekly. My BF was so proud to tell me that, but it just made me feel defeated and concerned. I don't want to take the wind out of his sails by bringing up my OCD suspicions or trigger splitting/BPD rage, but I don't think he has his mental health as under control as he thinks he does, nor do I think he has been completely honest with his therapist or I don't think his therapist would have agreed to fewer sessions.

He seems to hide and defend his "compulsions" because he is scared to be without them, which I understand it would be very scary to give up something that brings you comfort and relief from anxiety and intrusive thoughts, even if that comfort is only very temporary. He doesn't see how it affects me, particularly the constant reassurance from his mom, and it's hard for me to provide a tangible example of how it affects me besides the way it makes me feel icky and frustrated how childish and depended he is. IDK if I'm asking for advice on how to approach the subject with him or if I just needed to vent, but I'm curious if anyone else's BPD partner also has OCD and/or codependency. I really think his life (and our relationship) would be so much better if he had the proper OCD treatment in addition to the BPD treatment and could learn to self soothe and be more independent.

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[Gemsforeyes]

Hi Purple-
Welcome to the boards.  I’m sorry that I only have a minute right now.  I do want to say that it’s really good that you’re in therapy (T) and that your BF has accepted his BPD diagnosis.  I can certainly understand how you would feel unsettled at the idea of your partner reducing the frequency of his therapy sessions this early in the process.

Has his T been doing DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) with him?

Is it possible for you to expand a bit on the details of your BPDbf’s relationship with his mother, and how that relationship impacts your rs with your BF?  In addition, a bit more information on the OCD type behaviors that concern you would be helpful.

Sometimes obtaining another “diagnosis” may not be the important thing; what could be key is to focus on the obsessive behaviors and try to figure out what lies beneath those.  And to figure out which party is actually driving those behaviors - the mother or the son.

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[SaltyDawg]

My wife has both OCPD (baseline) & BPD (triggered).  My wife is aware of my BPD suspicions; however, she is unaware of the OCPD for her - as I have some minor traits of OCPD (which is healthy except for minor junk collecting), so I told her that is my issue - so she could learn about it.  I am actually leveraging her OCPD (significantly different from OCD, but shares some of the traits) traits/symptoms to have the therapists treat her BPD traits/symptoms.  It's not DBT, but it is working none the less.  From the video I took of her early on (she taunted me to thinking she didn't have any issues), I could also see OCD behaviors, when she was agitated/triggered, but it is not at a disordered level.

BPD - No more suicide threats/attempts.  No more rages.  No more hitting/kicking/punching.  Good reduction of emotional dysregulation, about 75-80%.  Very good reduction in inappropriate displays of anger, about 95%.  Still has abandonment issues, but these are reduced.  Feelings of emptiness, still has that.  The symptoms are at tolerable levels now.  The threats of divorce (the alternating devalue / idolize unstable relationship symptom) have also been greatly reduced, using the two month standard, it too is in remission - last one was in March. Paranoia is down a lot.  However, disassociation is still present, also down 75%, as they usually occur when she is stressed out and dysregulated.

OCPD - Moved from miserly to frugal in spending and is willing to throw clothing that are rags away.  Relaxed her rigidity in following rules.  Is attempting to stop her workaholism, has reduced it by about a 1/3, but not eliminated it.  I can deal with all but the workaholism of the OCPD.  She had 8/8 symptoms last year.  This is slower progress as I have been focusing on the more damaging symptoms of the 17 combined symptoms of both PD's.

Respond and let me know if you are interested in what I did to encourage my wife to do the right thing.

Take care with self-care.  Be sure to do self-care, as being with a pwBPD is exhausting, and you need to fill your cup.