How do I cope?

[Sasha77]

Hello,
This is my first post, so happy to have found this forum. My daughter, 24, has told me no longer to contact her. The last time we spoke, three weeks ago, I made the "mistake" of letting her know that my feelings were hurt by her words and accusations instead of walking on eggshells and apologizing for things I didn't agree with. I gave her space, then texted last night. She says she is done and wants no contact. Her father (my ex) moved away when she was little and has moved back  recently, which has really had an effect on her. I think I am paying the price.

I am trying to wrap my head around how to cope with this pain and grief, and wondering if I will ever talk to her again.( I am not the first person she has cut out of her life.)  Also I'm thinking how will I ever be happy again? What about the holidays?  I just started this amazing book, Overcoming Borderline Personality by Valerie Porr. I wish I had read it sooner... Trying to find some relief with this break because my life has been ruled by this mental illness for about ten years now, but it still hurts.
If anyone has had anything in particular that has helped them through a similar situation, please share!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Sasha, I'm sorry for your long and painful struggles.  My stepdaughter with diagnosed BPD will typically cut off her dad when she doesn't get her way or is confronted for her hostile behavior.  It has happened regularly over the last decade or so.  I view these episodes as her "time outs."  I think she tries to punish her dad (through no contact, the silent treatment, passive-aggressive behavior, etc.) so that he feels her pain.  However, invariably she will eventually resume communication, sometimes in days, sometimes in weeks, or sometimes in months.  Sadly, she resumes communication only when she needs something from him--and since she's completely dependent, that usually occurs in a matter of days or weeks.  The relationship seems both transactional and emotionally painful.

I don't really know how to cope with all this.  I cycle back and forth with all sorts of reasoning, because I'm more analytical than emotional.  At first I thought, her behavior is just juvenile (with temper tantrums and "time outs" resembling the behavior of a young child), and that eventually she'll want to grow out of it, or she will lose all her friends and meaningful relationships with family.  However, as the years progress, I just don't see much willingness on her part to grow up and behave as an adult.  Then sometimes I think, she has regressed, and that this set of behaviors has been "hardened" in her, because she's in unbearable pain, and she hasn't figured out any other way of coping, despite extensive therapy.  She's letting us know how she feels the only way she knows how.  She wants us to feel as badly as she does, both as an attempt to convey or project her pain, and for retribution or punishment for making her feel this way.  Of course, everything is her family's fault, not her own.  And now that the holidays are approaching, we are facing the dilemma:  do we celebrate with other family members and therefore alienate her, or do we "celebrate" with only her?  Other extended family members don't want to be with her (given her past extremely hostile behavior), and she doesn't want to be with other family members, either, because at this point, practically everyone is deemed a "trigger" for her rage.  But if we celebrate only with her, not only do we miss out on time with other loved ones, there's also a significant risk that she'll stand us up--in "protest" and to continue the silent treatment.

So long story short, I can empathize.  Since it feels like we've tried everything, I don't know what to counsel you, except maybe to have patience and understand that you can't control someone else's feelings.  Only they can learn to do that.  I wish I could say that the emotional pain eases with maturity.  I just don't see evidence of that; in fact, I think it can get worse, as the pwBPD is delayed in achieving adult milestones like graduating, getting a job, living independently, having a stable romantic relationship, etc. and feels really bad about that, adding to the pain.  If your child has achieved any of these milestones, I think that would be a reason for hope!

[Sasha77]

CC43,
Thank you so much for your reply! It’s so nice to know I am not the only one going through this! I like the idea of thinking of it as a timeout almost… I do need a break!
I hope your situation improves too, and/or that we continue to find the tools to get through it.

[SaltyDawg]

Next November when my daughter turns 18 she has clearly stated she is moving out and has threatened NC, but I believe it will likely be LC.  My wife is likely a uBPD and is terrified.  My daughter thinks she is BPD, but I am unsure; however, she doesn't have severe mood swings and almost no anger issues - she might be a quiet BPD, but I don't see it.  My DD does have other issues.

Anyways...  I have attended NAMI meetings, and this topic comes up a lot (about 3/4 of the attendees have children in similar places, some are homeless).  The general consensus is to let the person with mental health issues do what they feel they must do, and suffer the natural consequences of their actions.

From what I have observed, the best thing to do is if and when you do talk, validate what you can validate (don't validate the invalid).  What you can validate is their 'feelings', stay away from being critical or being condemning of their decisions.  Use "I" statements, avoid using words like "you", "because", "but", "however" are often trigger words for them.  Or, use SET communication.

Let her do the talking, let her talk about her issues.  Try to see her issues from her perspective and reflect empathy so she feels understood (even if you don't agree with it, I am already doing this my DD and most of the time it works for me).  Don't try to fix her, she will have to come to that conclusion herself.  (Do you like being told what to do?)

Regarding the holidays let her know she is welcome, but it is her choice to make.  I would say something along the lines of "I really enjoy being together for the holidays.  I(we) will always be welcoming to all family members to celebrate together.  I(we) will be happy with whatever choices are made." (a white lie, but you do not want to put any fear/obligation/guilt on her).

As this is a very stressful time, make sure you do self-care, whatever that might look like for you.

[kells76]

Hi Sasha77 and welcome to the group   we're also happy you found this forum; it can help so much to know you're not alone.

Parenting children when there's BPD in the mix is no easy task. Relational moves that might help mend a "typical" relationship, such as explaining yourself further to her, are often ineffective at best or add fuel to the fire at worst, when interacting with a pwBPD.

Fortunately we don't have to reinvent the wheel here   reputable groups like the National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder have come up with a great set of family guidelines to walk family members through better ways to cope with crises while not tolerating abusive treatment. If you haven't already checked out the NEABPD site, take a look -- they also have a free online class called "Family Connections" that offers support, practice, and tools.

I think you had an important insight here:

She says she is done and wants no contact. Her father (my ex) moved away when she was little and has moved back  recently, which has really had an effect on her. I think I am paying the price.

Do you think she experiences him moving back as a positive thing (i.e., he is now "painted white" to her and she sees you as "all bad" in contrast), a negative thing (i.e., it brings back bad memories and she's dysregulating), or something else?

I am trying to wrap my head around how to cope with this pain and grief, and wondering if I will ever talk to her again.( I am not the first person she has cut out of her life.)  Also I'm thinking how will I ever be happy again? What about the holidays?

The holidays can be a challenging time, especially when we remember "how good it used to be" or when we look at families that seem to have it all together. It hurts when we'd like to have warmth, love, and togetherness, but we're in a BPD family system that makes it really difficult.

I can share what we've done, and maybe other parents and members can chime in with how they've worked through holidays.

My H's kids' mom has many BPD type traits, and because the kids see her as "the good one" and Dad as "the bad one", it makes it difficult for us to feel like our plans with the kids matter to them as much as to us.

"Fortunately" I think the kids' mom felt like she "won" when she got Christmas Day in the parenting plan; however, we have Christmas Eve every year. And, the thing I learned from growing up (my dad worked in a hospital, so he sometimes had to work holidays) was that it wasn't about the specific day, it was about finding a day and a thing to do that worked for everyone. So, often we'd celebrate "Christmas" a week or two early, because that's when Dad had time.

So, we have pivoted to celebrating "early Christmas" with the kids -- this is often a week or two early, is based on when we'll be together according to the parenting plan, and it means that the kids aren't burned out on holidays when we're together. They are still excited to open presents, and we have removed any conflict about "but I want to be with Mom on Christmas Day" from the equation.

Additionally, my older sister is not in contact with my parents at this time; however, she and I and my younger sister are still connected. This year, we are having an early "kids only" Thanksgiving with the three of us and our families; later, my younger sister and parents and I will have another Thanksgiving -- though probably not on Thanksgiving Day!

It may take some recalibration to a new normal, and there may be grief involved, yet we can come up with new traditions or new approaches -- like having multiple celebrations, or having a moment during celebration to remember and wish good for a family member who isn't present -- that can help us move forward.

Trying to find some relief with this break because my life has been ruled by this mental illness for about ten years now, but it still hurts.

You deserve kudos for being able to acknowledge that the pain is real, and also, right now is giving you a break from a decade of stress.  

Are you in a relationship right now? If so, how is your partner coping with this, and is your partner supportive and understanding of these challenges?

Looking forward to hearing more;

kells76

[Badmom]

Dear Sasha,

I can really identify with your situation. My 20 year old son has dual citizenship because he was born in England. Last August, seemingly out of nowhere, he moved back to the UK from Pittsburgh where he was raised and where we live. He’s funded by my ex-husband, who pays his rent, amenities, and all living expenses. Shortly after he arrived, my son stopped returning my calls and texts. All I know is that I have been cut out. I don’t know exactly why. At first, I attempted to text every once in a while - a brief, friendly message, a picture of the dog - but no response. I know you will understand when I say it felt like I was going to go mad from grief, panic, abandonment, hurt….I didn’t know at the time that I was dealing with BPD. 

It’s been nearly a year now. During that time, I’ve gone back to therapy, where I spend a lot of time crying, which seems useless but actually helps. I go to NAMI meetings, in person and online. I took the Family Connections course and the one about managing suicide. I read books, watched videos about BPD. I’m trying slowly to untie the knots that bind me to my son in a complex, painful trauma bond that neither of us can control.

The question I continue to try to answer is, “What do I want from him?” Because I ache for something, some sense of purpose and meaning that “managing” him gave me in a distorted kind of way. The answer is I seem to be stuck in place where I’m still looking for reciprocity - a “normal” relationship where both sides are seen, heard, considered, present. So, after all this education about BPD, why am I still looking for something from him that I know he can’t give? I guess I’m not really accepting the reality of the situation - which is that he’s ill, he has no capacity to pay attention or notice me, let alone validate me in the way I keep hoping for. But I can’t seem to accept that. I think I’m afraid to accept it because it feels so final. It’s as if my life depends on him loving me when I understand, intellectually, that he loathes himself and projects it on to me.

His birthday is at the end of December. Like you, I’m already obsessing and projecting about Christmas, his birthday. He will be 21. To be honest, he might have moved or changed his phone number - neither he nor his father would tell me. But for what it's worth, my plan is this: I’m going to send him a gift via PayPal on both Christmas and his birthday, with the simple messages, “Merry Christmas” and “Happy Birthday”. That’s it. He may not respond but I’m going to do what a parent does, which is recognize and celebrate both occasions in an adult, reasonable, constructive way. Because that’s the person I want to be, regardless of his reaction. I will try not to get upset if he ignores me but if I have to cry for three days in order to behave well, I guess I’ll just suck it up and get on with it because the only thing I can control is what I do, say, and think - though I often wish I could also control how I feel. Those are my boundaries today, though they may change in the future. 

If you want to hang out online at Christmas and compare notes, drink tea, and work your way through a box of tissues, I’ll be here. 

You’re not alone. This isn’t about you - no matter how often our kids claim it is. Try not to take mental illness personally. After all, perhaps our rejection is really God’s way of protecting all of us from doing more damage than even he/she can repair. Think about it: if our kids are so ill that they can’t even speak to us, the people who love them most, then they must be seriously compromised and no good would come out of a conversation now. Make time your friend.

   

[Clarity2023]

 
I am new here too.
Sending you a big hug!
Parenting is so hard, even under the best of circumstances.
C

[Sasha77]

I wanted to each one of you individually, but this will reply will go to the end, so I hope you all see it. First, thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my post! I can already see that there are so many kind and amazing people in this forum....which, I suppose, makes it almost ironic that we are the ones in this situation.

@SaltyDawg...I loved all of your suggestions from NAMI. In fact I read your reply more than once. I think the idea of responding to/acknowledging feelings is a good one! I just hope I get the chance again at some point...

@Kells76...Thank you so much for all of the links! I am definitely going to check them out... My ex-husband moving back actually triggered her  because she wanted him to move back through her childhood and now he is back when she is already grown. So, I think that may be why she is also thinking more again about me and anything she perceives that I did "wrong."   I do have a supportive husband and my other child is supportive as well. At the moment, she will talk to my husband, but not to me...(Sorry I should have used the quote feature here!)

@BadMom....My heart breaks for you, and I understand exactly how you feel! I think you are doing all the right things. Not having an answer as to where this is coming from has got to be so hard (well, other than this blasted illness). I think you are absolutely right... maybe any conversation with them right now would just do more damage. Have you found anything that gives you some peace? Please feel free to message me on here any time! We are going through the same thing! Hugs to you....