Hello - This is a request for suggestions on how to re-establish a relationship with an adult child. My son is 27 years old; graduated from law school a couple of years ago. He is extremely intelligent. Was accepted to three Ivy league law schools and about a dozen others. Upon graduating he took a job at one of the top firms in the country. He lost his job last March because he refused to go into the office at least one day a week. Last Spring, he had been staying at our home while looking for a new job but because of the friction between us, he left home and moved in with a friend. He came back a few weeks later and then left again and I have not had any contact with him since then except a text telling me to leave his car key under the mat in his car so his friends can pick it up. He won't tell me where he is. My son was diagnosed with sensory perception disorder at 3 years and then ADHD and anxiety when he was 7 years old. He was on medication but his father intervened and told him not to take the medication because people would call him crazy. I could go on and on, but suffice it to say that I spent most of my son's childhood taking him to psychologists because of his inability to control his temper. His father was not supportive of the therapy. He was never diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, but he fits the profile perfectly. He is enraged with me because I called 911 when he started telling me he was going to commit suicide about a year and a half ago. He had been throwing objects, turning over furniture, threatening to kill himself. He was evaluated and let go after 2 days and since then he thinks that I am out to get him. He has a lot of paranoia and beliefs about a global conspiracy to eliminate all white men of Scottish descent. My attempts to talk to him even before we were estranged invariably ended with him telling me I am a stupid woman who doesn't understand anything. So here I am, seeking advice on how I can re-establish communication with him. I've read Stop Walking on Eggshells and I now realize that I should have not had him taken in for evaluation against his will. I think I have a better understanding now of BPD.
Hey Cecilia. Welcome to the forums and thanks for sharing! I'm so sorry you're going through this and I hope that the community here can help.
Let me start where you ended; calling 9-1-1 when he was in a rage and suicidal. That was absolutely the right thing to do and you should make that call 100 out of 100 times when he's a threat to himself or others. Now, you may be wondering why he won't speak to you anymore, and the simple answer is that he doesn't like the boundary you created. He now knows that if he threatens to kill himself and trashes your home, the police will be called...and he doesn't like that. So he chose to walk away.
What 'Walking on Eggshells' tries to illustrate is that it is not your responsibility to heal or cure your son. He will get help when he's ready, on his own timetables, and you need to let him come to that realization on his own. Additionally, you need to stop enabling bad behavior by standing up for yourself and making clear boundaries when things are not ideal. However, violence inside your home or threats of self harm are a very different story and you absolutely must take action in those situations.
To reestablish communication is tricky since your son is blaming you for his own bad behavior. It may feel instinctive to apologize for doing the adult, responsible thing, but that's actually a huge mistake since it opens you up to receiving more abusive behavior. You can reach out to him and tell him that you miss him, you're rooting for him, etc but you must avoid enabling him by playing into his disorder.
One other thing- hopefully you realize that boundaries with BPD individuals rarely "fix the relationship" up front. Think about it, someone makes a new rule that whenever you do something, they'll do something you don't like. Why would anyone want that to happen? So naturally the BPD retaliates because they feel like they're being bullied for no reason...instead of accepting that they're the actual problem and the boundary is defensive in nature.
I wish you luck and please feel free to ask specific questions!
