Any insight please?!?!

[TheDCEnigma]

Hello everyone this is my first post, October 3 of this year my wife was five months postpartum and suffers from BPD, cps had a false report of maltreatment and his sense been addressed and fixed. But at first my wife and child were separated from me due to the allegation, which was simply lost in translation, and as I said, has been fixed. But while this was going on October 20, she ended up having an affair with some guy that she met on tinder, there was another guy who she seemed to take quite a liking to (we have access to each others phones) . She has continuously told me that she loves me. She has never apologized for the actual affair and guy #2 she pretty much hung out with all weekend. We were absolutely 100% happy because I had done a lot of studying on BPD before we even got into a serious relationship and then a marriage. My belief is that when the trauma of her having to separate her family, only five months after the baby was born, made her split between me and my daughter, Combined with postpartum depression, sent her into a tailspin. She said she wants marriage counseling when she’s ready and she said she needs time and space to process everything. My father-in-law says she will not find a better husband and you don’t deserve any of this. Regardless, I love my wife and I want our marriage to work. But I do know that she is having a fling or even maybe a relationship with this other guy only a week or two after meeting him, but at the same time she’s telling me that she loves me and that she wants to work on her marriage and that I need to give her time and space. She requested that I move for the time being to an apartment for the next 11 months because a shorter lease is way more expensive. Last night when I gather some things to move into the apartment once I go and move in next week she kissed me twice and told me she love me. But from things I have read once I move it’s out of sight out of mind, but I think that’s almost impossible if we have a child together and we do things together with the child because she’s only seven months old at this point and trying new foods and things like that we do together. . So I guess my question is after reading all of this. Is there any hope that we reconcile and remain married and raise our daughter together?

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[Pook075]

Hi DC and thanks so much for sharing your story.  To answer your question simply, yes there is hope!

People with BPD are complicated, so she can still be in love with you while also pursuing a relationship on the side due to fears of being alone and/or abandoned.  It's not right and it's not fair, but those were the cards you've been dealt and how you play them will determine whether your relationship can survive.

Let's get to some practical advice. 

#1, start reading the sticky topics along the top of this page or better communication with your wife.  While you've done your research already, more knowledge never hurts and you need to master these skills.  Let us know if you have any specific questions and other members will gladly help however we can.

#2, understand that this is not your fault and you didn't cause this.  Maybe you had some role to play in the allegation, or maybe you weren't always the perfect husband.  None of us are...we're human and we make mistakes, often with the best of intentions.  This just isn't on you at this point and the sooner you can accept that, the sooner you'll be able to start healing.

#3, she has asked for space, so you must give it to her.  I was in a 24 year marriage and when my wife left last year, I was in a tailspin and tried to "win her back" by calling and messaging every day.  That was a big mistake and only pushed her away.  You do want to keep in touch and go see the baby as much as you're allowed, but keep the pressure to a minimum.

If you're too aggressive, she'll see it as you not understanding her feelings.  If you don't reach out at all, she'll see it as you just don't care about her.  Again, this is very unfair because almost anything you do is "wrong".  So you're literally walking a tightrope here.

One other note, both my wife and oldest daughter (both diagnosed BPD) tend to pull a number out of the air and say, "I need three months to think about this."  I've learned what that really means is, they don't want to deal with it for at least three months, so they'll spend that long trying not to think about it.  Once that time passes though, they'll surely make an equally dumb demand or another excuse why that three months didn't count.  So know that the timetables usually don't mean anything, they're just stalling tactics.

#4, while you're waiting this out, take time for self-care and getting your life in order outside of the marriage.  That means eating healthy, getting in some exercise, visiting friends and family, and picking up hobbies that mean something to you.  While you can't change your wife's mental health, it is essential for you to be in top physical/mental health to give you the best possible chances of making the marriage work.  She needs you for support and you must be strong.

Please feel free to ask any questions and again, I'm so sorry you're going through this.  There is hope so keep your head up!

[TheDCEnigma]

Thank you so much and for the last three weeks I have been texting and calling her every day and she says I’m like a lost puppy, the gaslighting is the worst part because she has me questioning my own sanity. When I tell her that we shouldn’t talk, she says you don’t love us at all meaning her and our baby now let me tell you I have a 23-year-old and a 14-year-old who got the cps stuff dropped because they had firmed. I am not an abusive person at all. The report was that I took my baby, but I actually have shaking fits due to a medicine I was taking that they have since taking me off of. So hopefully it’s not too late but as of last night she kissed me and told me she love me, but also today is her birthday and she had somebody stay the night besides her husband. She moved on very quickly like literally three days after I left the house there was somebody staying there overnight. She’s kind of using me as her doormat right now, but she also says I don’t love her at all, and I’ve never loved her if I file for divorce or date someone else myself. I asked her why this happened suddenly and I get the tailspin but I wanted her reasoning and she said it’s because I do not respect her and I said I tell you I love you every day I don’t yell at you I buy you anything you want I treat you like my queen because you are. Her reply was, I don’t respect her in her parameters when questioning that she said, you accuse me of cheating all the time, and to be perfectly honest, I only started accusing her of cheating when she said she was somewhere that she wasn’t. And then I found out about her tinder profile where she said she was a single stay at home mom looking for romance. My heart is shattered into 1 billion pieces and I still love this woman probably because of the way she made me feel at the beginning like everyone else describes. The pedestal is a great place and I was on the pedestal for 2 1/2 years which is a longer than most. I’ve seen she has had some DBT. She’s dropped out of it six out of seven times but she did complete one cycle. I’m just destroyed. Part of me wants her back because I love her so damn much. Part of me is so scared that this is going to be a cycle that happens over and over. But nonetheless, I appreciate you and your honest answer. Thank you.

[Pook075]

Thank you so much and for the last three weeks I have been texting and calling her every day and she says I’m like a lost puppy, the gaslighting is the worst part because she has me questioning my own sanity. When I tell her that we shouldn’t talk, she says you don’t love us at all meaning her and our baby now let me tell you I have a 23-year-old and a 14-year-old who got the cps stuff dropped because they had firmed. I am not an abusive person at all. The report was that I took my baby, but I actually have shaking fits due to a medicine I was taking that they have since taking me off of. So hopefully it’s not too late but as of last night she kissed me and told me she love me, but also today is her birthday and she had somebody stay the night besides her husband. She moved on very quickly like literally three days after I left the house there was somebody staying there overnight. She’s kind of using me as her doormat right now, but she also says I don’t love her at all, and I’ve never loved her if I file for divorce or date someone else myself. I asked her why this happened suddenly and I get the tailspin but I wanted her reasoning and she said it’s because I do not respect her and I said I tell you I love you every day I don’t yell at you I buy you anything you want I treat you like my queen because you are. Her reply was, I don’t respect her in her parameters when questioning that she said, you accuse me of cheating all the time, and to be perfectly honest, I only started accusing her of cheating when she said she was somewhere that she wasn’t. And then I found out about her tinder profile where she said she was a single stay at home mom looking for romance. My heart is shattered into 1 billion pieces and I still love this woman probably because of the way she made me feel at the beginning like everyone else describes. The pedestal is a great place and I was on the pedestal for 2 1/2 years which is a longer than most. I’ve seen she has had some DBT. She’s dropped out of it six out of seven times but she did complete one cycle. I’m just destroyed. Part of me wants her back because I love her so damn much. Part of me is so scared that this is going to be a cycle that happens over and over. But nonetheless, I appreciate you and your honest answer. Thank you.

I'm not a doctor and I don't know you, but it doesn't sound like you're crazy at all.  Your story is the same as my story...different circumstances and all...but my wife left just the same after 24 years.  One thing that stands out thinking back, she would say, "I know you spoil me, but you don't care about me."  That's disordered thinking and it is not your fault.

If you read through the forums here, you'll hear the same story thousands of times.  True love, something changes out of nowhere, then suddenly you're the enemy.  He or she leaves but at the same time, tries to keep you on a leash so they can pull you back whenever it's convenient for them.  It's a sickness and its devastating.

From her point of view, she was/is so scared that the relationship wasn't real, she began to self-sabotage with negative thoughts and actions.  BPD's run on emotion, everything is emotional, and their mood fluctuates like the wind changes direction.  When they're happy, the world is incredible and amazing.  When they're sad, it's like soul crushing anguish that they can't begin to process.  So when they start to get down, they just keep spiraling while everything turns dark.

Your job as a BPD spouse is to stop that freefall, and you've probably done so without realizing it thousands of times.  But then, something changed and you were no longer enough to make the world bright and beautiful.  You're trying to figure out that one thing you missed, that one thing you could have done differently, but you'll never find it because you're not psychic and you're not a magician that can suddenly cure BPD.

What happened was that she became dysregulated and in her mind, you suddenly became part of the problem instead of part of the solution.  Trust me, don't try to search for the 'why' in all this because it probably doesn't exist.

It's her birthday today, which is unfortunate.  If you don't reach out, you're confirming to her sick mind that you're a monster.  If you make a grand gesture, then you're trying to buy her love or over-compensate.  So you should wish her happy birthday and get her something inexpensive but meaningful...maybe something she's needed (or wanted) for awhile now.

Again, I'm so sorry that you're going through this and you are definitely not alone.  I was where you're at 15 months ago and I didn't think I'd survive this.  Today, I'm doing great and I understand that this was not my fault.

My best advice is to focus on yourself for a while and give this time.  It hurts badly, I understand and empathize.  But it will get better in time if you're patient and try to give her some space.  Just let her know that you love her and you're always available if she wants to talk...and then step back for her to process that.  Don't argue over what she's done or what you've done either, nothing good can come of that.  Just provide positive support and give this time.

[TheDCEnigma]

We live in Minnesota and she needed a new winter coat because last year was a maternity coat so literally the day before this all happened and I found out I bought her a duck down Tommy Hilfiger coat and had a coffee mug made with pictures of me and the girls that says we love you always love hubby, and the girls , yeah I have read stories on qoura ? But a lot of times it’s pure BPD bashing , and I like to hear both sides. Last night I saw her obviously and it’s weird when she’s deep into an episode, she doesn’t look the same to me. She looks honestly like a Dr. Jekyll when she’s good and Mr. Hyde when she’s mad , last night when I saw her I knew she had somebody over our house in the bedroom because of what she was wearing and she had full make up on, I did wish her happy birthday this morning and we chatted back-and-forth for a few minutes, but she spending her birthday with someone else and can’t be bothered to even read the text I sent earlier, but last night she was glowing, and she looked like the girl that I originally met, where I flew from Washington DC to Minnesota every weekend for six months. So she is definitely in the infatuation stage.