My mom, for those who want to save a life.

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm 23, and every single person in my family has distanced themselves from me because of their relationships with my mom. I've gotten nowhere in life due to family complications, so I cannot set boundaries. The emotional abuse has already led to stress-induced illnesses such as eczema rashes and cluster headaches, and to be honest, I've given up on life completely. I feel as if my loved ones don't value my life, as they left me to deal with this witch of a mother. Despite my efforts to convey how much it's affecting me, they don't care.

I got kicked out of university due to severe depression, compounded by the fact that my mom forced me to study in a school and program that I hated. This decision was influenced by a kid she has been comparing me to since I was young, and she wanted me to be like him. She bullies me constantly, and on top of the divorce she's going through with my father, she also has thyroid eye disease, which she got removed and regrets. Strangely, she blames all the stress that caused it on me. Furthermore, my father, whom I used to look at as my hero, is now someone she constantly accuses of being the very thing she is. It also doesn't help that I look and act a lot like my father, so she takes out her frustration on me 24/7, along with pretty much anyone who has come into her life, including her own mother (my grandmother), who she swore death upon and won't speak to even though she's dying from severe Parkinsons.

She watches narcissistic study videos every hour of every day. She talks like some expert on the subject, which is ironic because she is the worst version of one in every aspect. After getting kicked out of university, I was finally able to take a step into music, something I'm very passionate about, and I reached about 100k subscribers in a year along with 1 million monthly Spotify listeners. I networked and made sustainable money, but, ever since they got divorced, it's been a downward spiral that's got me feeling consistently miserable, and I've given up on it completely. Now, I've given up on my dreams, and I'm trying to go back to school. However, once again she won't let me enroll in any programs I'm passionate about and instead will only support me If I go into a program that's expensive so my father has to pay more money in the divorce settlement.

Speaking of which, when I initially left school to pursue music, despite it working out well, she constantly abuses me for the fact that this decision cost her money in the divorce. So, she bullies me whenever I need help with anything and blames me for this 24/7. I've been going through three years of suicidal thoughts, but, with the existence of my father and my music career, I don't act on them. However, with life slipping away, friends moving on, and me becoming more dependent on her, I feel hopeless.

Recently, she helped me get an operation to fix my broken nose so I can breathe through both nostrils. It seemed like a moment where she was helpful, but it quickly turned into an IOU that could never be paid off. Instead, it will just be used as a sympathetic weapon to torment me. To be honest, I just want to hear people's thoughts on this. I don't know too much about the degree of crazy that I'm dealing with, but all I know is that the cause of this sadistic torment is something I need to better understand so I can actually do something with my life.

[sheisevil]

I'm 23, and every single person in my family has distanced themselves from me because of their relationships with my mom. I've gotten nowhere in life due to family complications, so I cannot set boundaries. The emotional abuse has already led to stress-induced illnesses such as eczema rashes and cluster headaches, and to be honest, I've given up on life completely. I feel as if my loved ones don't value my life, as they left me to deal with this witch of a mother. Despite my efforts to convey how much it's affecting me, they don't care.

I got kicked out of university due to severe depression, compounded by the fact that my mom forced me to study in a school and program that I hated. This decision was influenced by a kid she has been comparing me to since I was young, and she wanted me to be like him. She bullies me constantly, and on top of the divorce she's going through with my father, she also has thyroid eye disease, which she got removed and regrets. Strangely, she blames all the stress that caused it on me. Furthermore, my father, whom I used to look at as my hero, is now someone she constantly accuses of being the very thing she is. It also doesn't help that I look and act a lot like my father, so she takes out her frustration on me 24/7, along with pretty much anyone who has come into her life, including her own mother (my grandmother), who she swore death upon and won't speak to even though she's dying from severe Parkinsons.

She watches narcissistic study videos every hour of every day. She talks like some expert on the subject, which is ironic because she is the worst version of one in every aspect. After getting kicked out of university, I was finally able to take a step into music, something I'm very passionate about, and I reached about 100k subscribers in a year along with 1 million monthly Spotify listeners. I networked and made sustainable money, but, ever since they got divorced, it's been a downward spiral that's got me feeling consistently miserable, and I've given up on it completely. Now, I've given up on my dreams, and I'm trying to go back to school. However, once again she won't let me enroll in any programs I'm passionate about and instead will only support me If I go into a program that's expensive so my father has to pay more money in the divorce settlement.

Speaking of which, when I initially left school to pursue music, despite it working out well, she constantly abuses me for the fact that this decision cost her money in the divorce. So, she bullies me whenever I need help with anything and blames me for this 24/7. I've been going through three years of suicidal thoughts, but, with the existence of my father and my music career, I don't act on them. However, with life slipping away, friends moving on, and me becoming more dependent on her, I feel hopeless.

Recently, she helped me get an operation to fix my broken nose so I can breathe through both nostrils. It seemed like a moment where she was helpful, but it quickly turned into an IOU that could never be paid off. Instead, it will just be used as a sympathetic weapon to torment me. To be honest, I just want to hear people's thoughts on this. I don't know too much about the degree of crazy that I'm dealing with, but all I know is that the cause of this sadistic torment is something I need to better understand so I can actually do something with my life.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the forums.  Your situation sounds very stressful and I'm sorry you're going through this with your mom and your family. While reading through your post, I can't help but feel like you're giving your mom far too much control over your life. 

I'll tell you what I told both my daughters since they're about your age (22 and 24)- life is what you personally make out of it.  It's not always fair, but you are in control and get to make all the decisions.  If your relationship with your mom is toxic, then step away from it and find another path.  If necessary, you could always get student loans to get a degree in whatever you want to major in.  That decision should be yours and yours alone, not your mom's.  Alternatively, you could always find work and get an apartment with a few roommates. 

Or, is staying with your father an option?  How does he feel about this situation?

I'm a little confused though- why did you give up on music?  It sounds like you were pretty successful at a young age and that's something to be proud of.  Being young is a blessing because you still have plenty of time to figure out life, and mistakes you make now are preparing you for a successful future.  Don't take that time for granted, get out there, be yourself, and take some chances.

Also, at the end of the day family is always family.  If some bridges have been burned, reach out and try to make things right.  It's never too late for that.

[Notwendy]

There's a lot to unpack here- and I think it will help to become independent of your mother-but it is also one step at a time.

Where is your father in this situation- is he willing to help you financially to become independent? Is he willing to help pay for school?

Before getting back into school though, it's important to take care of yourself emotionally so you can concentate on your studies. I did get through college but there were issues that came up - if I look back on it at the time, they involved me being able to separate- emotionally - from the dynamics I grew up with.

The feeling of not knowing if what you are studying is what you want to do. I also started college with a major, then questioned it, didn't think it was what I wanted to do, tried some other subjects and then went back to my orginal major. When we grow up doing what we think our parents want us to do, we don't really know what we want. I think what you went through was a part of that. You didn't fail at college. You were not emotionally able to concentrate on your studies at the time.

There may be an element of interference in your pursuits. I am guessing here but basing this on what it seemed to be with my sibling at about your age. Being in financial need and dependent somewhat on BPD mother was a sort of attachment between them.  BPD mother may have helped financially but then she'd be emotionally and verbally abusive.

My BPD mother also has a narcisisic and cruel side to her too. For me, the number one goal to being out of her control was to become financially independent from my parents and live separately from them. It's hard to get your thoughts together when you are living in the same house as she is. You need to be able to feel safe in your own space. That might mean a room in a house with room mates, or with your father, if he's willing to help. It may mean a temporary job to pay the rent- and I did this too, working various jobs, and I would suggest you do this for a while before jumping back into college- to get some money saved and to establish some emotional recovery so you can concentrate.

Consider community or junior college. It is less expensive and a faster way to train for a job than a four year college. You can always continue after that if you wish but you would be certified to do a job in the meantime.

Counseling is key here too. It may be that your mother is the one with the disorder but you have been subjected to her behavior. Counseling can help you with this.

Family may or may not be supportive.  My BPD mother is disordered, and verbally and emotionally abusive. It is not possible to have a close relationship with her.

If extended family has distanced themselves from your mother- then that is the reason, not you. If someone is aligned with my mother, I tend to keep them at a distance as well because of the dynamics. I was estranged from her extended family for a while- she had "enlisted" them to her side and actually told them to not speak to me. They eventually caught on to her issues and reached out to me. We are in the process of re connecting the relationship- slowly on my part as I am wary of people who are connected to my mother but I think it's been possible to reconnect.

One reason I have been wary of people connected to my mother is that she isn't truthful and I have no idea what she's said to them about me. If you decide to reach out- it's possible that your extended family could be a good connection, or also possible they are disordered as well. Since you don't know the outcome of reaching out- I think that is worth the risk if you wish to. You can take it slowly- maybe send a holiday card this season, wishing them well, see if they respond. When speaking to them - if you do- don't disclose all the issues, just be cordial and see how it goes.

Keep in mind that the major or trade on studies in school does not have to be the only career/job they have. Also know that music can be a career or something people do in addition to one. You don't have to give up your music.  People can change jobs, even go back to school to change careers at any time.

If your father is willing to help and even let you stay with him- I think this is a first step.

[kells76]

Hey, welcome to the group -- glad you landed here. There's already some food for thought in the replies, so I'll just add that I know that 3 years is a long time to be coping with suicidal thoughts. You may already be aware of the 988 hotline to call and the 741741 text line; if not, know that those resources are there for you when the thoughts get intense.

Hope you have some moments to relax this weekend;

kells76

[yamada]

Time for some intensive therapy...You are young and you have already identified the abuse and the coercive control of your mum.. She will never change...ever..So as an old lady to a young woman...the change is from within you..Its not easy but staying in this situation isn't easy..If you are going to do something difficult then make it about the preservation of you...