BPD Ex-Partner a decade ago still obsessed with me it seems...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hello. I went out with a woman who was diagnosed with a rather sever case of BPD from 2010-13. I thought this was all in the past. However, I received a message from someone who knew us both, and mentioned she was still posting on social media after all these years about me. The worst thing is, is that after I left her since she adamantly refused to get help, she took it upon herself to befriend/follow (on social media) a couple of my friends and the my daughter and the mother of my child, who she rarely associated with only if I was visiting to pick up my child.

The problem is, is that I wanted to leave this woman a few months into our relationship. She made numerous threats, including but not limited to "if you leave me I will kill myself" (she was hospitalised 5 times for swallowing bottles of pills), threatening to have me charged with assault, rape, or other fictitious things. The straw that broke the camels back, is when she told me that if I ever left her, she would go through my contact list (she managed to hack my cell phone contact list when I was either asleep or left it unattended), and phone my daughter who was 9 at time time, and harass her, and tell her "what a horrible person I was."

I finally left her in March 2013, over two years of feeling I was trapped in a relationship I wanted to end. She lost it, and screamed, and (as she had done 40 times before), threw herself by the door, and confined me to our apartment. She made such a scene that people in our apartment dwelling had phone the Police. Once they arrived, she made good on one of her threats, and said I "beat her up." I am a man 6'2/205 with a martial arts background. She was not hurt at all.

The Police nearly charged her with mischief for giving false statements to Police, and let me go. However, this is the post that my friend directed me to, that she wrote last month. I honestly cannot believe it has been over a decade and she still harbours all this animosity towards me, as to spend posts on her social media accounts to once again lie and defame me (even though she does not mention my first name). Here is the post in question:



​
'Mr. Not (W) right and oh so Wrong' is what this painting is called.​
​
Even though I have been long over this time in my life and have recovered from it, I have seen far too many of my peers going through the same thing. I am hoping telling my story let's others know they are not alone.​
​
Romance is a wonderful thing. Love makes people happy and makes life better... when it's the right person.​
​
Unfortunately for me, 15 years ago or so in [City], I crossed paths with a guy that would change my life. He was charming, handsome, and had big dreams.​
​
He also was troubled, but it seemed like he wanted to do better for himself. It didn't take long for us to move in together.​
​
It would be one small incident after another... he was always out drinking, be gone all night, come home drunk, spend all our money, and always got himself in trouble.​
​
I would let it go, again and again and again, because I loved him, and I chose to be understanding. It was starting to wear me thin, and soon, I didn't recognize myself.​
​
Now, while the relationship was terrible, there is a happy ending.​
​
I moved out to [Place] with him after a 1 1/2 yrs together, hoping the relationship would improve. It did not. His drinking got worse. I caught him cheating many times over, and I caught him doing drugs. He denies all this , but the proof was on his phone and laptop. He was dumb enough to leave everything unlocked.​
​
I finally stopped fighting for the relationship . I was just too tired, and I just didn't care anymore. I realized I no longer loved him and only loved who i thought he was.​
​
I dont think he expected me to stop caring.​
​
I can't even remember what we were arguing about. But I remember he called the police over one of our arguments ( that he himself had started ). Instead of getting me in trouble like he wanted to, the officer pulled me aside and asked me what happened.​
​
I had enough and didn't want to protect him anymore and told the officer everything...​
​
It took a few years, but after that day, I started rebuilding my life slowly. But I can't be completely mad at him.​
​
I followed the jerk to [Place], which in turn led me to meet the man I would eventually build a life with.​

------

Now I was so taken aback and hurt by this, that I actually composed a rebuttal, but I wisely did not reply (for obvious reasons), as it is a no-win situation:

[Name], I was informed by an individual (who shall remain anonymous), that for unknown reasons, you had written about me on social media. I read this, and I must say that I am hurt and saddened that you have chosen to attack me after well over a decade of the termination of our relationship. I actually cannot believe what I have just read, especially considering we both know that it is composed mainly of lies, and gross distortion of the truth.


First off, I am a very honest and forthright person. When we began seeing each other, I was upfront about all my issues and shortcomings in life. I have always believed in building people up, regardless of the problems they may have endured over their lifetime. People are imperfect, and sometimes just need love and acceptance, and I recognized you had problems as well, as you were diagnosed by two clinical psychiatrists with Borderline Personality Disorder, who am I to judge?

I want to take the opportunity to address some of these ridiculous and defamatory allegations of me and my character:

“I can't even remember what we were arguing about. But I remember he called the police over one of our arguments ( that he himself had started ). Instead of getting me in trouble like he wanted to, the officer pulled me aside and asked me what happened.” I had enough and didn't want to protect him anymore and told the officer everything…”

This is the most serious accusation, so I thought it would be a good place to start. For starters, the Police/EMTs did not visit our place once, twice, or three times. They came 13 TIMES IN 3 YEARS. 5 for your suicide attempts (you swallowed 50-80 of your antidepressants on at least four occasions, and one time you swallowed 20 pills of a prescription for clonazepam I had), 6 for noise compaints that led our poor neighbours to call the Police on us (you had this fondness for screaming at me in the middle of the night (12-4 AM usually), shouting statements like “WHY DONT YOU LOVE ME???” This led us to receiving an eviction notice at our apartment in [Place] in October 2011.

The final time the Police came was the day I finally broke free and left you for good in February 2013. You did not take too kindly to rejection, so you falsely accused me of “beating you up.” I am 6’2/205, and have a martial arts background. The officer inspected you, and for obvious reasons (not the least of your history with the Police), concluded you were being untruthful (we both know I had not laid a finger on you).

You then told the Police to “arrest me” for “ stealing your toothbrush.” The last thing I recall seeing as I left the apartment for good, was the poor constable threatening to place you under arrest, considering you had made false allegations twice (assault, and theft), as you yelled at him for not arresting me. The Police also keep every interaction with the public (as required by law) on a database. In other words, it’s your word vs the following:

-[City] Police Service
-[City] Police Service
-[Place] Police
-[Name] Hospital, [Place] (3x mental health evaluations)
-[Name]Hospital, [Place] (2x mental health evaluation)

[Name], you disclosed to me certain things that in retrospect, should have raised red flags. For starters, you had mentioned that every man you had been with since you were a teenager, had left you. So I guess I was obviously not the first. It’s also worth noting that everything you have written about me, you had accused other men of in the past when we were dating. At some point did it ever occur to you that maybe all of us “horrible men” were not entirely to blame for leaving you?

One would think common sense would suggest that if a person is repeatedly rejected by every significant other they have been with in life, that at some point they would step back, analyze the situation, and take a good hard look at themselves in the mirror, and seek answers about why this may be happening. And this was not only with men. You had mentioned that you received high marks in [subject] at the [college].

Yet in spite of graduating, you confided in me that when you did your practicum, the head nurse recommended to the hospital you were doing your schooling at, that they never hire you for a [occupation] position, as she had legitimate concerns about your mental health. Again, one would think it would be in your best interest to seek help.

I mean nursing is certainly not easy, and to be too proud to seek help and sacrifice your career and future earnings is nothing short of tragic. In fairness, you did become a nursing aide, but it only pays a fraction of what an actual nurse makes, and from what I hear could ironically be more stressful.

“It would be one small incident after another... he was always out drinking, be gone all night, come home drunk, spend all our money, and always got himself in trouble.”

I’m not really going to elaborate on this too much, but “spending all our money” is completely ridiculous. You were not even employed for longer than 3 months at a time (you kept getting let go of jobs due to your untreated mental health issues). At times, I gave you up to $1000 at a time to pay rent/utilities when I was working out of town, only for you to buy top of the line paints, esthetician products, and other luxury items instead of paying our rent and bills. I was paying for literally everything. You also neglect to mention that you smashed up two of our vehicles, my laptop, and numerous other things (often in a fit of rage).

“I caught him cheating many times over, and I caught him doing drugs.”

You and I both know the “caught doing drugs” is a horrible lie (unless you refer to alcohol as a drug). I have no idea why you would spread such hurtful and malicious lies about me, other than perhaps to make your portrayal of me look more believable. Secondly, yes I admit that I cheated on you after a year. I have never been so unhappy in my life. I had never experienced any women that I was with making threats of suicide (“IF YOU DON’T LOVE ME I WILL KILL MYSELF!”), or harassing my family members, if I dared to leave you. If cheating on you makes me a bad person, so be it. People can judge me how they wish.

BTW, the reason for my refusal to become intimate with you after fall of 2011, was that you refused birth control or any contraceptives. You said to me numerous times that you wanted a child with me. I am a pragmatic thinker, and there was no way that I was going to allow that. You had been hospitalized for suicide attempts 5 times in the past 12 months. You refused to get help for the mental health issue God gave you, and you continued to act so unstable that I absolutely refused to bring any child in this world with you, considering how unfair that would be for the child.

I’m sorry [Name], but that just happens to be the consequences of one person repeatedly trying to better themselves, and plead with you to go to couples counselling, and help you with any issue that may affect your self-worth and overall mental and physical health, and another person blaming all their problems on me. You always did. That is why I finally left you.

We only have one shot in life, and I felt like a failure for not helping you with your problems, and I went from being 2 years sober, to drinking again. In fairness, I had control over that, and the choice was mine to make, but I am only human. The chaos and toxicity that I endured from 2010-13 left me in far worse shape than when I met you.


“He denies all this , but the proof was on his phone and laptop. He was dumb enough to leave everything unlocked.”

This is by far and away the most telling (and damaging) thing you have written, as most well adjusted human beings don’t habitually check their significant other’s social media private messages, browsing history, cell phone text messages, etc. on a routine basis, without their consent.

I have no idea how you continuously unlocked my cell phone (unless you somehow hacked my pin), but it’s been said that one of the foundations of a healthy relationship is TRUST. It’s extremely abnormal to comb through anyone’s laptop, cell phone, personal belongings, unless permission is granted. I never understood your wanton disregard for personal boundaries, until I did my own research on people with BPD.

In fact, almost every psychologist has stated this type of behaviour is indicative of a person with deep seated trust issues, low self-esteem, lack of respect for one’s personal boundaries, and a sign of possessiveness/abuse. Google it yourself, if you do not believe me. There are literally thousands of opinions on this subject , and it is frowned upon by most in society. It often is the reason couples break up.

“I followed the jerk to [Place], which in turn led me to meet the man I would eventually build a life with.”

I have no idea why you would try to hurt me like this after all these years, as we have not spoken to each other in over a decade. In fact, the last time I saw you was [location] in 2017, but I avoided you (for obvious reasons). I’m really disappointed. I was actually secretly hoping that you would conquer your demons and achieve some type of happiness.

I mean how bad is your life that you are still obsessed with me after all these years? You should be happy, [Name]. From checking out your FB page, I see you finally have a child and a significant other that seems to love you. Why on earth would you still take the time to dedicate artwork and a lengthy Facebook post to put me on blast? I mean you will be [age]next January. Am I that important to you, that you constantly need to convince others that I am some “horrible monster?” What exactly does hating me accomplish? Should you not be more concerned about enjoying life with your husband and new child?

I’m very sorry for you, and I hope you find the peace and happiness that has eluded you in this lifetime. I have nothing bad to say about you and wish you well. Good luck and God bless.

-----

I apologise if this post is rather long-winded. I honestly cannot believe this. She has already made through with two of her threats. Considering that she did attempt suicide and try to falsely charge me with a fictitious crime). It just appears that she has never recovered from when I left her, even though she met another man, and has a child with him.

I actually had to seek counselling after the relationship ended, as I had never been in a extremely toxic relationship where I was pretty much forced to endure for a full two years after I wanted to end it. Is this normal behaviour for someone with BPD? if anyone has any suggestions that may help, I would really appreciate.

It's very strange. The social media post that she has made about me actually gave me trauma flashbacks from what I endured many years ago.

[AlbertaCowboy]

Hello. I went out with a woman who was diagnosed with a rather sever case of BPD from 2010-13. I thought this was all in the past. However, I received a message from someone who knew us both, and mentioned she was still posting on social media after all these years about me. The worst thing is, is that after I left her since she adamantly refused to get help, she took it upon herself to befriend/follow (on social media) a couple of my friends and the my daughter and the mother of my child, who she rarely associated with only if I was visiting to pick up my child.

The problem is, is that I wanted to leave this woman a few months into our relationship. She made numerous threats, including but not limited to "if you leave me I will kill myself" (she was hospitalised 5 times for swallowing bottles of pills), threatening to have me charged with assault, rape, or other fictitious things. The straw that broke the camels back, is when she told me that if I ever left her, she would go through my contact list (she managed to hack my cell phone contact list when I was either asleep or left it unattended), and phone my daughter who was 9 at time time, and harass her, and tell her "what a horrible person I was."

I finally left her in March 2013, over two years of feeling I was trapped in a relationship I wanted to end. She lost it, and screamed, and (as she had done 40 times before), threw herself by the door, and confined me to our apartment. She made such a scene that people in our apartment dwelling had phone the Police. Once they arrived, she made good on one of her threats, and said I "beat her up." I am a man 6'2/205 with a martial arts background. She was not hurt at all.

The Police nearly charged her with mischief for giving false statements to Police, and let me go. However, this is the post that my friend directed me to, that she wrote last month. I honestly cannot believe it has been over a decade and she still harbours all this animosity towards me, as to spend posts on her social media accounts to once again lie and defame me (even though she does not mention my first name). Here is the post in question:



​
'Mr. Not (W) right and oh so Wrong' is what this painting is called.​
​
Even though I have been long over this time in my life and have recovered from it, I have seen far too many of my peers going through the same thing. I am hoping telling my story let's others know they are not alone.​
​
Romance is a wonderful thing. Love makes people happy and makes life better... when it's the right person.​
​
Unfortunately for me, 15 years ago or so in [City], I crossed paths with a guy that would change my life. He was charming, handsome, and had big dreams.​
​
He also was troubled, but it seemed like he wanted to do better for himself. It didn't take long for us to move in together.​
​
It would be one small incident after another... he was always out drinking, be gone all night, come home drunk, spend all our money, and always got himself in trouble.​
​
I would let it go, again and again and again, because I loved him, and I chose to be understanding. It was starting to wear me thin, and soon, I didn't recognize myself.​
​
Now, while the relationship was terrible, there is a happy ending.​
​
I moved out to [Place] with him after a 1 1/2 yrs together, hoping the relationship would improve. It did not. His drinking got worse. I caught him cheating many times over, and I caught him doing drugs. He denies all this , but the proof was on his phone and laptop. He was dumb enough to leave everything unlocked.​
​
I finally stopped fighting for the relationship . I was just too tired, and I just didn't care anymore. I realized I no longer loved him and only loved who i thought he was.​
​
I dont think he expected me to stop caring.​
​
I can't even remember what we were arguing about. But I remember he called the police over one of our arguments ( that he himself had started ). Instead of getting me in trouble like he wanted to, the officer pulled me aside and asked me what happened.​
​
I had enough and didn't want to protect him anymore and told the officer everything...​
​
It took a few years, but after that day, I started rebuilding my life slowly. But I can't be completely mad at him.​
​
I followed the jerk to [Place], which in turn led me to meet the man I would eventually build a life with.​

------

Now I was so taken aback and hurt by this, that I actually composed a rebuttal, but I wisely did not reply (for obvious reasons), as it is a no-win situation:

[Name], I was informed by an individual (who shall remain anonymous), that for unknown reasons, you had written about me on social media. I read this, and I must say that I am hurt and saddened that you have chosen to attack me after well over a decade of the termination of our relationship. I actually cannot believe what I have just read, especially considering we both know that it is composed mainly of lies, and gross distortion of the truth.


First off, I am a very honest and forthright person. When we began seeing each other, I was upfront about all my issues and shortcomings in life. I have always believed in building people up, regardless of the problems they may have endured over their lifetime. People are imperfect, and sometimes just need love and acceptance, and I recognized you had problems as well, as you were diagnosed by two clinical psychiatrists with Borderline Personality Disorder, who am I to judge?

I want to take the opportunity to address some of these ridiculous and defamatory allegations of me and my character:

“I can't even remember what we were arguing about. But I remember he called the police over one of our arguments ( that he himself had started ). Instead of getting me in trouble like he wanted to, the officer pulled me aside and asked me what happened.” I had enough and didn't want to protect him anymore and told the officer everything…”

This is the most serious accusation, so I thought it would be a good place to start. For starters, the Police/EMTs did not visit our place once, twice, or three times. They came 13 TIMES IN 3 YEARS. 5 for your suicide attempts (you swallowed 50-80 of your antidepressants on at least four occasions, and one time you swallowed 20 pills of a prescription for clonazepam I had), 6 for noise compaints that led our poor neighbours to call the Police on us (you had this fondness for screaming at me in the middle of the night (12-4 AM usually), shouting statements like “WHY DONT YOU LOVE ME???” This led us to receiving an eviction notice at our apartment in [Place] in October 2011.

The final time the Police came was the day I finally broke free and left you for good in February 2013. You did not take too kindly to rejection, so you falsely accused me of “beating you up.” I am 6’2/205, and have a martial arts background. The officer inspected you, and for obvious reasons (not the least of your history with the Police), concluded you were being untruthful (we both know I had not laid a finger on you).

You then told the Police to “arrest me” for “ stealing your toothbrush.” The last thing I recall seeing as I left the apartment for good, was the poor constable threatening to place you under arrest, considering you had made false allegations twice (assault, and theft), as you yelled at him for not arresting me. The Police also keep every interaction with the public (as required by law) on a database. In other words, it’s your word vs the following:

-[City] Police Service
-[City] Police Service
-[Place] Police
-[Name] Hospital, [Place] (3x mental health evaluations)
-[Name]Hospital, [Place] (2x mental health evaluation)

[Name], you disclosed to me certain things that in retrospect, should have raised red flags. For starters, you had mentioned that every man you had been with since you were a teenager, had left you. So I guess I was obviously not the first. It’s also worth noting that everything you have written about me, you had accused other men of in the past when we were dating. At some point did it ever occur to you that maybe all of us “horrible men” were not entirely to blame for leaving you?

One would think common sense would suggest that if a person is repeatedly rejected by every significant other they have been with in life, that at some point they would step back, analyze the situation, and take a good hard look at themselves in the mirror, and seek answers about why this may be happening. And this was not only with men. You had mentioned that you received high marks in [subject] at the [college].

Yet in spite of graduating, you confided in me that when you did your practicum, the head nurse recommended to the hospital you were doing your schooling at, that they never hire you for a [occupation] position, as she had legitimate concerns about your mental health. Again, one would think it would be in your best interest to seek help.

I mean nursing is certainly not easy, and to be too proud to seek help and sacrifice your career and future earnings is nothing short of tragic. In fairness, you did become a nursing aide, but it only pays a fraction of what an actual nurse makes, and from what I hear could ironically be more stressful.

“It would be one small incident after another... he was always out drinking, be gone all night, come home drunk, spend all our money, and always got himself in trouble.”

I’m not really going to elaborate on this too much, but “spending all our money” is completely ridiculous. You were not even employed for longer than 3 months at a time (you kept getting let go of jobs due to your untreated mental health issues). At times, I gave you up to $1000 at a time to pay rent/utilities when I was working out of town, only for you to buy top of the line paints, esthetician products, and other luxury items instead of paying our rent and bills. I was paying for literally everything. You also neglect to mention that you smashed up two of our vehicles, my laptop, and numerous other things (often in a fit of rage).

“I caught him cheating many times over, and I caught him doing drugs.”

You and I both know the “caught doing drugs” is a horrible lie (unless you refer to alcohol as a drug). I have no idea why you would spread such hurtful and malicious lies about me, other than perhaps to make your portrayal of me look more believable. Secondly, yes I admit that I cheated on you after a year. I have never been so unhappy in my life. I had never experienced any women that I was with making threats of suicide (“IF YOU DON’T LOVE ME I WILL KILL MYSELF!”), or harassing my family members, if I dared to leave you. If cheating on you makes me a bad person, so be it. People can judge me how they wish.

BTW, the reason for my refusal to become intimate with you after fall of 2011, was that you refused birth control or any contraceptives. You said to me numerous times that you wanted a child with me. I am a pragmatic thinker, and there was no way that I was going to allow that. You had been hospitalized for suicide attempts 5 times in the past 12 months. You refused to get help for the mental health issue God gave you, and you continued to act so unstable that I absolutely refused to bring any child in this world with you, considering how unfair that would be for the child.

I’m sorry [Name], but that just happens to be the consequences of one person repeatedly trying to better themselves, and plead with you to go to couples counselling, and help you with any issue that may affect your self-worth and overall mental and physical health, and another person blaming all their problems on me. You always did. That is why I finally left you.

We only have one shot in life, and I felt like a failure for not helping you with your problems, and I went from being 2 years sober, to drinking again. In fairness, I had control over that, and the choice was mine to make, but I am only human. The chaos and toxicity that I endured from 2010-13 left me in far worse shape than when I met you.


“He denies all this , but the proof was on his phone and laptop. He was dumb enough to leave everything unlocked.”

This is by far and away the most telling (and damaging) thing you have written, as most well adjusted human beings don’t habitually check their significant other’s social media private messages, browsing history, cell phone text messages, etc. on a routine basis, without their consent.

I have no idea how you continuously unlocked my cell phone (unless you somehow hacked my pin), but it’s been said that one of the foundations of a healthy relationship is TRUST. It’s extremely abnormal to comb through anyone’s laptop, cell phone, personal belongings, unless permission is granted. I never understood your wanton disregard for personal boundaries, until I did my own research on people with BPD.

In fact, almost every psychologist has stated this type of behaviour is indicative of a person with deep seated trust issues, low self-esteem, lack of respect for one’s personal boundaries, and a sign of possessiveness/abuse. Google it yourself, if you do not believe me. There are literally thousands of opinions on this subject , and it is frowned upon by most in society. It often is the reason couples break up.

“I followed the jerk to [Place], which in turn led me to meet the man I would eventually build a life with.”

I have no idea why you would try to hurt me like this after all these years, as we have not spoken to each other in over a decade. In fact, the last time I saw you was [location] in 2017, but I avoided you (for obvious reasons). I’m really disappointed. I was actually secretly hoping that you would conquer your demons and achieve some type of happiness.

I mean how bad is your life that you are still obsessed with me after all these years? You should be happy, [Name]. From checking out your FB page, I see you finally have a child and a significant other that seems to love you. Why on earth would you still take the time to dedicate artwork and a lengthy Facebook post to put me on blast? I mean you will be [age]next January. Am I that important to you, that you constantly need to convince others that I am some “horrible monster?” What exactly does hating me accomplish? Should you not be more concerned about enjoying life with your husband and new child?

I’m very sorry for you, and I hope you find the peace and happiness that has eluded you in this lifetime. I have nothing bad to say about you and wish you well. Good luck and God bless.

-----

I apologise if this post is rather long-winded. I honestly cannot believe this. She has already made through with two of her threats. Considering that she did attempt suicide and try to falsely charge me with a fictitious crime). It just appears that she has never recovered from when I left her, even though she met another man, and has a child with him.

I actually had to seek counselling after the relationship ended, as I had never been in a extremely toxic relationship where I was pretty much forced to endure for a full two years after I wanted to end it. Is this normal behaviour for someone with BPD? if anyone has any suggestions that may help, I would really appreciate.

It's very strange. The social media post that she has made about me actually gave me trauma flashbacks from what I endured many years ago.

[AlbertaCowboy]

Very sorry for the long winded post.  Do people with untreated BPD ever get over it. I cannot help but feel sorry for her current partner, as well as her infant? I read that the intensity and symptoms subside after one is in their 40s/50s, but I guess it depends on many variables.

It's just very disturbing to know that after I left her at the end of February 2013, she still seemingly thinks about me to this very day, and views me so negatively.  Is this normal for BPD sufferers?

[Pook075]

Very sorry for the long winded post.  Do people with untreated BPD ever get over it. I cannot help but feel sorry for her current partner, as well as her infant? I read that the intensity and symptoms subside after one is in their 40s/50s, but I guess it depends on many variables.

It's just very disturbing to know that after I left her at the end of February 2013, she still seemingly thinks about me to this very day, and views me so negatively.  Is this normal for BPD sufferers?

Unfortunately, no, they rarely "get over it".  Even with therapy and turning their life around, their memories have painted a picture that will likely stay there forever.  The only way to change that is by getting back in a relationship with her to show her differently, and....umm....I don't recommend that approach, LOL.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi AC-

I’m sure her post gave you traumatic flashbacks.  You’ve every reason to feel that way when you read a disordered person’s false narrative about you. 

Your post was NOT too long.  Even if you won’t or cannot put your rebuttal out into the world, you wrote what most of us fantasize doing - saying the truth about what happened.  We just don’t.  My past fantasy with my exuNPD/BPDbf used to involve duct tape over his mouth and him being tied to a chair and forced to listen.  Something that will never happen.  Odd fantasy, I know, so I let it be…

My ex disordered husband left a message on my 89 year-old mom’s cellphone just over a year ago to wish ME a happy birthday, and asking me to call him.  I haven’t spoken to him in 10 years.  And my 89 year-old mom’s phone?  Why?  She was so afraid to tell me.  I couldn’t help but laugh.  She asked if he has Alzheimer’s.  I blocked his number on her phone.

To answer your question, I don’t believe if left untreated that disordered people get better as they age, at least not from what I’ve witnessed.

As for your ex’s supposed “happy” marriage, you can silently wish her the best of luck with that.  With her posting lies like this, Her poor husband is likely spending huge amounts of energy trying to keep the child safe.

Please do your best to separate where you are now emotionally from where you were then.  She does NOT possess any part of you - you are safe.  And continue to post any feelings you have whenever you feel the need.

Warmly,
Gems

[AlbertaCowboy]

Thanks so much for the reply, its reassuring to hear there are people that are going through the same thing as I.  If only I could turn back time, I would have left early on, and ignored her attention seeking behaviour, just for my personal sanity.

What I did not get into too much, was the final threat, that made me leave the relationship- harassing my daughter, and her mother, about what a "bad" person I was.  It was what finally made me realise that I had to leave, as it's not only insane to harass a 9 year old child, but it is also against the law.

The fact that I was having custody problems (I still believe this is the main reason she made these threats), seeing my daughter, and the fact that after I left her, my child's mother was suddenly reluctant to let me see her, even with court orders, has always led me to believe she indeed made through on her threats.

She only knew my daughter and her mother, from when we would pick up my daughter on occasion to take her out.  And she did befriend the mother on social media. What has always bothered me, above all else, is when my daugher was older (11-12), she was allowed to have social media, and my BPD ex went out of her way to add her and follow her on social media.

Even though she has not seen my daughter in nearly 12 years, I notice that she goes out of her way to add/follow her, and even "likes" pictures of her as recently as this summer.  It's incredibly strange, since she added most of the people in my social circle AFTER I had left her.

I never really brought it up to my daughter or mother, and a couple of other friends, as I was too afraid, or my feeling as they can do what they want and it is none of my business. The fact that she never really knew these people when we were toghether, and going out of her way to add them when I finally left has always really bothered me.

Considering my OP, and the fact she is not at all close to these people in my life, what should I make of it. I mean unless I had mutual friends with any of my ex-gf's, I would never really contact any of their family members after any breakup that I was in, as it just seems bizarre, especially in light of the threats she made 11 years ago or so.

Am I overreacting, or are my concerns validated?

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi AC-

It IS bizarre to add a former partner’s minor child (AND his exW and friends she was NOT previously friends or even really acquainted with) to social media following a (bad) breakup.  I don’t think you’re overreacting at all.  That behavior is unsettling as all get out, at least to me.  Man….

The social media thing overall is troubling to me in many ways, especially when I view it in relation to disordered minds.  The show reflects nothing of the actual reality.  I’m not a big user or looker at all (I only have Facebook and rarely even look at that, but I’m a 66 year-old woman).  My exBF and I were initially friends on FB.  When he had his first RAGE at me in late 2013, he de-friended me…I had no idea that was even a thing back then.  About a week later, he asked me if we could be “friends” and I said I thought we already were.  Then he had to tell me what he did.  So I said, “well, no then”.  I think that juvenile action taught him to never hang up on me or block my number on the phone, even though I never said a thing about that.  But I digress.

What I’ve finally learned AC, is that some of the things that bother us the most following these horrific relationships, is to just “let it be”, rather than “let it go”.  Using the word “be” rather than “go” to me implies that there is no action required.  Just be…. It is beyond our control.  Using the word “go” tells my brain that I have to *do* something, when in reality, I have no control over a situation.  So to soothe myself, I have to let it be.  But that’s me.  Maybe this can calm you, too?

In my ignorant opinion, your ex has tried to pull and continues to keep your beloved child and other people who are close to you in HER orbit as a means to keep her within your eyesight.  And you within hers.  In her mind, so you can *regret* the end of the relationship.  Except you don’t.  You regret not ending it sooner.  So you have that.

You’re right.  In this case, there is nothing to do.  I’ve learned, especially following the painful divorce from my disordered exH (19 years), that I had no control over his narrative.  Zero.  Nor did I have control over the venom from his spiteful sister in an email that my stepdaughter (in tears) forwarded to me.  I felt I had to remain silent.  I explained it to my daughter and told her our relationship is ours, no one else’s.

And that’s all I’d say.  Your relationships are yours.  Regardless of what lies your showy, disordered ex puts on blast, you know the honesty of your close relationships.  Keep this close.  Love those who love you.  The rest is just noise and ugly distraction from her unhappy life.

I am so sorry her lies feels so impactful.  It does hurt, I know.

Question:  your beloved daughter is now 19-20 or so; have you ever raised the topic with her and asked her thoughts on the matter?  What do you think?

But while this beast has reared its ugly head, please continue to post.  Don’t hide from it.  Your feelings here are real and you’ve got to face them.  We’re here.

Warmly,
Gems

[swisco]

This post really resonated with me.

I got a slew of nasty emails from my uBPD ex wife about 3 months ago, sent to an email address I didn't think she had (hence the no-contact breach)

I was discarded and ghosted nearly 4 years ago by this woman amid a slew of false allegations to the police and went absolute no contact almost immediately for my own safety and protection.  The allegations were all dismissed, but in the intervening time she has popped her head above the parapet to from time to time to create more trouble for me - another false allegation to police against me (again dismissed), a false allegation to the police against a person I know (also dismissed), contacting my employer in an attempt to have me fired (unsuccessful), contacting my lawyer personally to complain about both me and him (unbeknownst to her own lawyer!) and a major smear campaign defaming me to people known to me.  We divorced a year ago without ever speaking or seeing each other again since the day she disappeared out of my life - a 5 year relationship and marriage snuffed out as if it never existed.

So to receive an email from her was a shock - I'm doing pretty well now, but it kind of derailed me.  You can guess the content - she hates me, it's all my fault, she can't move on because of me, she's "ill" because of me, her son "is unlikely to fulfil his potential" because of me, she can't sleep because of me, she has PTSD because of me, etc, etc (you get the idea)  She also doubles down on the allegations she made against me.

Foolishly, I responded to it after about 6 weeks - very benign and succinct, just setting the record straight with facts quoting police and court findings, expressing my sympathy for her troubles and reminding her that what had happened had been as a result of her own actions.  That unleashed a further tirade of emails from her over the next 24 hours that were really quite nasty and personal.  At this point I figured that all she'd wanted was a reaction from me (as I should have done first time round) and haven't responded again (nor will I)

The point here is that as others have said, I don't think they ever get over you.  The way they rewrite history is crucial to them, and they have to double down on it to maintain the position they find themselves in.  To go back on their story would mean literal collapse to them.

However if you believe in any sort of a notion of "karma", this is it in action.  Nothing could have screamed "I'm obsessed with you and think about you all the time - enough to write you an email after years so that you'll think about me, even for a little while", more than the emails she has written me. 

Seems we run about in their heads for months and years as much as they do in ours.

[AlbertaCowboy]

Seems we run about in their heads for months and years as much as they do in ours.

Yeah man it's strange.

The truth is that nothing in life is black and white. I certainly have my own issues, and do not deny that I made mistakes.  However, I was ill-equipped with dealing with this situation.  When a 4 year old child throws a temper tantrum, crying and screaming, throwing things, and perhaps attacking their siblings, it's stressful. However, that can easily be dismissed as children being children, as their brains have not fully developed, as they lack impulse control, and the ability to understand social norms.

However, when a person in their 30s acts the same way, screaming for no rhyme and reason, threats of retaliation if you are to end the relationship (suicide, harassment of family, false accusations), and confining one in a room, when I wanted to leave.....I had no idea how to handle it.

I actually cried the day after I left her.  I felt like a failure as a man. "Why was I not strong enough to change this person for the better?" "How did I not see the warning signs at the beginning, before we moved in together?" Despite my efforts for the last two months, where she seems to have accepted that it was coming to an end, and we made a verbal agreement to peacefully co-habitat, after she once again walked out on her psychiatrist, declaring herself "perfectly normal," I wanted to remain friends with her, since I honestly cared about her.

However, when the day finally came to leave, she refused to let me go until it took the Police to intervene. That is what is so tragic about this. I hate leaving on bad terms with people. And the fact that she has continued to insert herself into my daughter's life on social media is the one thing that bothers me the most, above all else.

Until the day I die, she will always be a part of my life.  Sadly, it will be in such a negative way....

[kells76]

Hi AlbertaCowboy;

The worst thing is, is that after I left her since she adamantly refused to get help, she took it upon herself to befriend/follow (on social media) a couple of my friends and the my daughter and the mother of my child, who she rarely associated with only if I was visiting to pick up my child.

pwBPD sometimes don't handle ex-family relationships well. My H and his kids' mom had been divorced for around 5 years, and she was still FB friends with his dad (whom she professed to hate) and half brother (neither H nor I are on FB). She would never in real life try to spend time with them at that point. However, she did make sure to tell H in front of the kids that she had heard on FB that his brother had a serious medical incident.

I suspect hanging on to the ex-family relationships was all about power and "currency" -- information is her currency and a way of positioning herself above us in order to feel okay inside. If she could be the first to break the news to us about H's own family, that "proved" that she must be important, valuable, an expert, better than us, etc.

I now accept that H's ex will always try to keep a tie to him, because that's how she works. She doesn't have a strong inner sense of self, and will use external relationships to give her a "self structure" and a sense of worth and value (derived from being "above" others by virtue of "having expert information"). Currently she's in touch with one of H's half sisters. I accept that that relationship exists and I can't do anything to change H's sister's mind -- so I don't tell H's sister anything personal or important, as that would make it back to H's ex.

...

What's your relationship with your daughter like? Is this something that you could bring up with her, or she could bring up with you?

[AlbertaCowboy]

What's your relationship with your daughter like? Is this something that you could bring up with her, or she could bring up with you?

i would have to DM you about this situation.

[AlbertaCowboy]

And that’s all I’d say.  Your relationships are yours.  Regardless of what lies your showy, disordered ex puts on blast, you know the honesty of your close relationships.  Keep this close.  Love those who love you.  The rest is just noise and ugly distraction from her unhappy life.

I am so sorry her lies feels so impactful.  It does hurt, I know.

Question:  your beloved daughter is now 19-20 or so; have you ever raised the topic with her and asked her thoughts on the matter?  What do you think?

But while this beast has reared its ugly head, please continue to post.  Don’t hide from it.  Your feelings here are real and you’ve got to face them.  We’re here.

Warmly,
Gems

I'm very sorry that you have to endure a relationship with an ex, that seems very similar to mine. It's the worst feeling in the World to have had this horrible feeling in the back of my head that my BDPex did indeed go through with her threats, to the mother of my child and our daughter.

Coincidentally, we began having issues with custody roughly 18 months after I began seeing my ex.  When I finally left her, I went to visit my daughter 3 months later, and things had completely changed.

The mother of my child was very reluctant to even let me see her, and that had never happened before. Even my daughter was completely distant towards me for the first time. It was heartbreaking, since I was in another city, and had always come back to see her when I had to relocate.

Now my BPD ex and the mother had met initially a couple of months after we began our relationship, and she did come along several times when I took my daughter places when I got to see her, so my BPD ex and the mother of my child being social media friends did not bother me, even after we broke up, since they actually knew each other, and were on good terms.

It is the fact that my daughter eventually created her social media accounts a couple of years after I had left my BPD ex, that I noticed she had befriended her on the platform, and even worse, she had gone out of her way to befriend the common-law bf, who she know I never cared for, and she had absolutely no dealings with.

In a sense, she may have been responsible for the breakdown of my relationship with my daughter, since I rarely ever was given a chance to see her after I left my BPD ex. I've had to live with this for a decade now, and for her to write such disparaging lies about me a decade later, almost seems like she is hell bent on driving me to suicide.

I honestly am starting to view her as pure evil. Regardless of whether one has BOD or not, it's not natural to destroy a person. My fault with her is not that she has this condition, but rather it is knowing that she has had it most of her life, and refusing help for it, and blaming all her problems, on myself, and other men that have had relationships with her.