Criminal charges

[Depression = 72% of members]

My ex girlfriend with uBPD filed false domestic violence charges against me, tried to walk them back, but they are proceeding with prosecution any way. She says she "will help in any way she can", but that is hard to trust. Any advice?

[Chavamerrill]

My ex girlfriend with uBPD filed false domestic violence charges against me, tried to walk them back, but they are proceeding with prosecution any way. She says she "will help in any way she can", but that is hard to trust. Any advice?

[kells76]

Hi Chavamerrill and welcome -- glad we can be here for you.

My first thought is that this isn't a DIY situation. Having DV on your record can seriously impact your future, including employment options. I'd recommend talking to more than one attorney in your area -- some will do "initial consultations" for free or for a lower fee. Ask what plan they would have to make sure that you end up with nothing on your record -- no plea deal, no "we'll take care of it later", just very assertive.

In our situation (custody/parenting time, not dv issues), it was super clear after doing an initial consultation with just 3 lawyers who we definitely wanted.

If you aren't sure where to start, ask a coworker or neighbor or friend -- someone who has personal experience with a L. And even if that L isn't a good fit, ask that L who s/he would recommend to someone in your situation.

Your gut instinct not to trust your ex is probably wise. Find a L and trust that person.

Are there any kids involved (yours, hers, both)?

Keep us in the loop --

kells76

[Chavamerrill]

No kids. I was just coming off of a divorce when we met, and she (initially) seemed like a miracle. Perfect place perfect timing. I was drinking too much and using drugs (now 5 months sober) during the early "courtship" phase, so in response to her BPD tendencies, I acted erratically and impulsively as well.

A few days after she went to the police, she seemingly felt guilty, confessed the police report to me, and claimed she would do everything possible to take it back. But of course, with DV charges, the "victim" isn't allowed to just recant and make it go away.

I initially believed she would try to help, and I think she may have "tried", but have come to realize I really can't trust anything she says about the case (or anything else).

Are there attorneys who specialize in defenses against SPD or other PDs?? Seems like a highly specialized area of law, but if someone might now,I figured it'd be this group. Thanks for the help.

[kells76]

Not sure about L's who specialize in PD's specifically, but you may have luck if you ask about L's with "high conflict" experience or who are familiar with the work of William (Bill) Eddy, who wrote a book called "Splitting: Protecting Yourself while Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist". Even though you aren't going through a divorce per se, you are still involved in legal action with a pwBPD, so many of the same concepts will apply.

Do you have documentation of her recanting (text, email, witness, etc)?

[PearlsBefore]

I'm not a lawyer, but I sometimes pretend.

If you're in North America, chances are they won't actually proceed to trial where they have zero evidence other than her recanted claims; instead they'll spend 6-18 months hoping your life and reputation are ruined enough and you become desperate enough you'll agree plead guilty to something you didn't do in exchange for no prison time, etc...and they can go home and chalk up another victory toward their pension.

If you're innocent don't flinch, and ensure any lawyer understands the same; you have no interest in the best deal he can negotiate, you've done nothing wrong - you'll explain it at trial (not that you'll ever get that far). The only thing worse for a prosecutor than withdrawing charges is taking charges to trial and losing...that risks career consequences as it affects their ratio. They'll withdraw.

I'm not a lawyer, but I've been through the wringer. Don't stress too much, stay calm, wave it off, this is nothing - you got this.

[kells76]

If you're in North America, chances are they won't actually proceed to trial where they have zero evidence other than her recanted claims; instead they'll spend 6-18 months hoping your life and reputation are ruined enough and you become desperate enough you'll agree plead guilty to something you didn't do in exchange for no prison time, etc...and they can go home and chalk up another victory toward their pension.

Interestingly enough, within the last year I actually sat on a jury for a trial here in the USA for nearly this exact situation -- cops were called for an altercation, when they showed up she did want to press charges, she later recanted and said "I don't", but law enforcement was legally required to proceed. Not saying that one example disproves the "chances are" part of the point, more saying -- it can and does happen that someone pressing DV charges tells LEO's "actually, I don't want to any more", and not only will they move forward with pressing charges, it can go to trial.

We may be on the same page, though, with the thought that just because there's zero evidence on her side doesn't mean to treat this casually and doesn't mean that taking any kind of plea deal is "better than the alternative". Getting a really assertive L and telling him/her that your goal is shutting this down yesterday and ending with nothing on your record -- that may be your strongest move. Yes, it'll cost money, but there have been members here who have had sham DV charges stick on their records and it has changed the course of their lives due to their inability to work in their fields -- kind of a pay now or pay later situation.

...

Have you had a chance to call up some L's yet?

[swisco]

Hi Chavamerrill

So sorry this is happening to you - this sort of thing is far more common that you realise with these sorts of people.

In many jurisdictions, once the police are involved after a domestic allegation, they won't drop the case even if the complainant does a 180 and rescinds it.  Most places that have gone down the road of "progressive" legislation like this use the excuse that it may be because the complainer is being "threatened" or "intimidated" - however in my opinion it's another example of increasingly nanny states being biased towards one particular gender, but that's purely a personal view...  There's also a drive towards getting more men actually into court to "increase numbers" - all BS driven by pressure groups that "work on behalf" of the gender in question, of course.

I had false domestic allegations levelled at me as well.  What I decided to do first was, as has been suggested, find a lawyer with a decent reputation.  Most good lawyers worth their salt know how to fight the system on this sort of thing.  Mine advised me to be *proactive* about it (although the sense of injustice I was feeling drove me in that direction anyway)  Bear in mind that in most cases like this it's one person's word against another.  The other side still has to prove the charge beyond reasonable doubt, and in most of the time all a complainant has is their *feelings* about it, even if they were to actually give evidence.  Fortunately, feelings still don't equal facts in most courts.  In your case, without their main witness, I'd think it's going to be extremely difficult to prosecute unless there is other evidence, so bear that in mind. 

Anyway, I put together my own document, citing locations, times, dates and any witnesses involved.  Without clear evidence, it can be as much about the prosecutor trying to allege a "pattern of behaviour" against you, so cite other incidents that show you are not the sort of person who does this sort of thing.  Friends from your past are useful to vouch for your character, particularly if they can do it in relation to your ex - the good ways you treated her and her positive reactions to you seen by others are all evidence in your favour.  Remember, times, dates, who was there, what happened and what the reactions were are all really useful.  If they haven't got anything from her, it may be that they try to dig up your past and find examples of "bad" behaviour towards previous exes - they did that with me.  I'm fortunate to be on good terms with my first wife and a couple of other exes, and they all told the police straight out that they would stand in a witness box and vouch for me against any allegations that were made.  My documentary evidence and the fact that they didn't get anywhere with anyone else meant that the charges against me were dropped before the case got to court - a very unusual outcome for the jurisdiction I live in.

Lastly, you may not want to hear it right now, but my view as regards your ex is that she should now be cut completely out of your life if you haven't done that already.  No further contact, ever.  She's simply too dangerous and impulsive and should be regarded as an existential threat to your liberty and wellbeing.

Good luck with this.  If you need to ask any further questions, let me know.

[Chavamerrill]

I would summarize by saying there is evidence in the form of a picture that shows that she fell and had a bruise. But the incident did not take place in any way like how she described in the police report. The police did not come to the scene, she filed the charges weeks later after discovery of our relationship caused her job/employment to become threatened. And she did not “recant” per se, but she made it very clear that she did not want to press charges and that she felt I posed to no threat to her.

I have a fantastic lawyer who I think will do a wonderful job. We will be both pursuing options for dismissal and preparing a very strong legal case to fight back, and he seems to understand well her emotionally volatile nature and will try to avoid agitation. He has advised me not to initiate any further contact, but not necessarily to block her as future communications may be valuable.

Similar to what another poster mentioned, she claims to "want to make sure nothing happens to me or my career", but sadly lacks the basic ability to follow through with commitments and plans. Naturally this applies across the board, but also definitely in this specific, stressful circumstance.

As far as I can tell, I am doing all the right things. And while she is avoidant, she lacks the hatred and vitriol (at least for now) to want to see anything bad happen to me, which could only work in my favor.

I very much appreciate everyone's comments, and welcome many more. Just reading the stories and experiences on this site has been of great comfort to me once I realized what was going on with her. I believe her to be completely unaware/in denial of her diagnosis, although she alluded to a report from a psychiatrist she got years ago that I believe may in fact contain it. I'll keep posting and reading, and I can't thank you all collectively enough for the support that you provide here.