First post..sadly mostly just resentment now

[Coteau]

Things really aren't that bad but yet I spend most late evenings pouring through these threads. My uBPDw hasn't raged for years (when she went on medication this seemed to stop), we never argue but that is mostly due that I have long ago learned to try to navigate around anything that might cause an argument. Once our young daughter goes to sleep the house just gets pretty quiet. I rarely do much of anything I used to do but luckily have my daughter to bring joy into my life. We tried counseling a couple times. The first time was before I had heard of BPD. The counselor wanted to meet with her personally, to work on trust issues, before continuing couples counseling. That ended that. To this day I regret how afraid I was to respond completely honestly to the counselor about her behaviors (this made more sense later.) The second time I started alone wanting to get help with what I thought might be BPD. It evolved in to couples for a bit as she was convinced she was just a "highly sensitive person" (she had found some of my research and couldn't believe I thought she might have BPD)and she even had a few sessions on her own. All these sessions ended as there really was no working on anything helpful. So here I am today, I can't even really remember all craziness of the past, I just know I don't want to go through that again. I read that things might naturally get better with age but really have no hope for ever having things better than nothingness. I do not ever see her getting help as others, in her eyes, have always been the fault of her problems. So now I just kind of live life numb (unless I am around my daughter. )I feel resentment (and even anger) for the past. I feel resentment (and even anger) that things will probably never be better than this. Again, things really aren't that bad but I spend most of my time thinking about how I wished things were instead of how they have been. Can anyone relate?

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[Jabiru]

Hi and welcome I can relate to losing hope in the relationship and not expecting it to get better or to even fall apart. After reading some books and people's stories here, I got hope and new ideas to work on myself and the relationship. It sounds like you're familiar with BPD. What about your side as the spouse? What boundaries do you have to protect yourself? How do you self care? Do you have a community, friends or family, around you that you can talk to?

Reading the book Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist gave me hope and practical steps to take back my life and navigate any backlash from my uBPD wife due to the changes I was making.

[HurtAndTired]

Hi Coteau,

It sounds like things are "not that bad" due to your uBPD wife being on medication (I'm guessing an anti-depressant) and that you have mastered the art of walking on eggshells. I am familiar with the relief that comes from having the rages medically dissipated but still having all of the underlying relationship dysfunction undealt with. My uBPD wife went on an anti-depressant following the birth of our 2-year-old son due to postpartum depression and vivid nightmares. She was on them for a year before she decided that she didn't like the way they made her feel and quit taking them. It was a year of peace in an otherwise rage-filled relationship.

However, the rage returned as soon as she went off her meds because I had not dealt with the underlying issues. For the next year or so I was back to walking on eggshells and hoping to avoid triggering her until she had a severe split on me and I found myself being terribly abused in front of our precious son who is at the age where he is soaking up what he sees and hears like a sponge. Something inside me broke and I knew that I had to make a change for his sake. I read the book that Jabiru has recommended to you and it changed my life. It is all about setting down and enforcing healthy boundaries, but it goes so far beyond that. It has helped me begin to heal and rediscover the real me that was chipped away bit by bit over the years of abuse until I was just a shell of my true self.

It sounds to me like you are in a very similar position. You have given up all that you love and have even started to lose your sense of core identity just for the sake of having a modicum of peace in your life. Like me, you have a child that you love with all of your heart who brings you what little joy you do have in life. My question to you is this. If you are just a shell of your true self because you are walking on eggshells all the time, how can you be an example of what a strong, capable, functional, and happy adult looks like to your daughter? She will not get this example from your uBPD wife. You owe it not just to yourself, but to your daughter to take your life back, set healthy boundaries for your wife, and take leadership in your marriage. Your wife has a very serious mental illness and is simply not capable of doing so.

I strongly recommend you read the Stop Caretaking book cover to cover and then make a plan to follow the advice contained within. It has changed my life and made me realize that all of the power that my uBPD wife has is the power that I handed her over the years. It was mine to take back all along, I just lacked knowledge of how to effectively do so and the courage to follow through. It is still a work in progress, but I can tell you that taking back the power has allowed me to start letting go of the anger and resentment I have had towards her.

It is natural for you to feel this anger and resentment. You have been abused for years and likely have complex post-traumatic stress disorder. I know I do. C-PTSD is different than PTSD since PTSD is usually caused by a single or several traumatic incident(s) that occur over a relatively brief period, whereas C-PTSD is caused by long-term, ongoing trauma. The symptoms are different, but just as bad if not worse than PTSD. In any case, if you are not in individual therapy I recommend that you start as soon as possible. This forum is a great resource to vent, find advice, and get support. The people here have been life-changing for me, but you also need to be able to talk through your pain and practice boundary-setting with an individual therapist. Find one who specializes in BPD and/or other cluster B personality disorders. You need to find someone who will understand the full enormity of what you have been dealing with.

I am still angry at my wife. I still resent the way that she has treated, me and continues to treat me, but I am also angry at myself for allowing it to happen. However, now that I have the agency to change my part in the relationship, I feel empowered. The resentment will not go away overnight. We have to rebuild our relationship on new terms. Terms that are fair to me. I am working on ending all abuse before this happens. I have already ended her physical abuse (she now knows that if she gets physical with me the police will be called - every single time) and am working on ending the verbal abuse (screaming, cursing, name-calling, etc.)and emotional abuse (silent treatment, gaslighting, triangulation, etc.). This is a work in progress, but I already have lost my fear of her. I can see a light at the end of the tunnel.

In the meantime, I have learned that I need to be 100% self-sufficient. I cannot count on her to fulfill any of my needs. I am responsible for my own happiness. Accordingly, I have started to rebuild friendships that I have neglected due to pressure from her trying to isolate me and my shame over having to cover up being abused by my wife. I now regularly spend time with my family and friends and don't ask or need her permission to do so. I have resumed hobbies that bring me joy and no longer let her dissuade me from indulging in things that she doesn't care about, understand, or enjoy. I include our son in visits with friends and family, church, and my hobbies. If my wife wants to be a part of our fun, she is always welcome but her participation is not needed.

What are your goals to improve your marriage? What first steps do you see yourself taking to make things better? How can we help you get there?

HurtAndTired

[Coteau]

Thank you H&T and Jabiru for the replies. This probably sounds a bit silly but I immediately tried to think of a way to get the recommended book without being found out. As mentioned my wife previously found some of my initial researches on BPD. My initial  Google search was, "what is like narcism but is not"..at that point I had never heard of BPD but my eyes opened wide when I began to read about my life. I do not see much of distinctions on this site but my wife seems to really check every box for what some sites call petulant BPD. As I also mentioned, I talked with a counselor about the fact that I thought my wife had BPD and what could I do about it; I was especially worried about her interactions with our daughter. I appreciate the advise to seek someone with experience in dealing with someone with BPD as all I got was, "yeah, she probably does have it. By now I am pretty certain so pleading my case with the counselor ran out of usefulness.
I often sit here at night alone wondering how I got here. I enjoy hunting and fishing and think, in a couple of years I will just go with my daughter. But probably the reality is that it is not guaranteed. I appreciate the encouragement to make the stand and start now (especially for my daughter's sake) but that seems to come with a great amount of risk. Thank you again. I will hopefully, with the help of the book, be able to start taking my life back.

[Coteau]

Oh, for goals for my marriage: for some time I believed my only hope was to get her help..at this point I pretty much have succumbed to the idea that this will never happen so to be honest, I need to figure the goals out as I have no idea other than shielding my daughter from some of the more extreme behaviors.

[HurtAndTired]

I would recommend that you buy an ebook version that you can read on your phone. There are also library apps like Libby that allow you to borrow an ebook copy from your local library and read it on your phone for free if you don't want to purchase it. I guess my first concern here is that you have so little privacy that she is reading through your search history. My wife used to have that type of access to my phone and computer, but I revoked it. They are now both password-protected and I will not let her look at them. This caused a great deal of upset and raging, but in the end, it brought me a lot of peace.

This is the hard lesson that I learned: my wife will rage no matter what I do, so why not start doing what I need to do for myself? Is she going to rage? Yes. Would she find some other reason to rage anyway? Yes. This simple realization freed me from the fear that had kept me walking on eggshells. I still find her rages unpleasant, but if they get bad enough, I just remove myself from the situation. I don't go out of my way to provoke her (hence reading the book on my phone when she's not around vs. a paper copy on the couch), but I don't live in constant fear of ticking her off either. I choose my battles and then hold firm.

Access to my phone/computer was one of the first hills that I was willing to die on. Did she accuse me of watching porn and/or having an online affair when I wouldn't let her look through my electronics? Of course she did! I let her rage and didn't back down and the storm eventually passed. Now she no longer tries to get me to hand over my electronics because she knows the answer is no.

I also used to have the hope that my wife would get help. I no longer have that goal because she doesn't believe that there is anything wrong with her. Trying to convince her otherwise is a waste of time. Instead, I shifted my goals to focus on how I can eliminate unacceptable behaviors from my home. I cannot control what my wife does, but I can control how I respond. My initial goals are pretty simple and reasonable. They are to eliminate all abuse. It consists of boundaries and consequences if those boundaries are not respected. Physical abuse = police, verbal abuse = removing myself and my son from the situation (safe room or my parents' house depending on the severity), suicide threats/attempts = calling mental health emergency services and a 72-hour involuntary hold. I don't expect you to be there yet, start with her respecting your privacy.

Please keep us updated and let us know if there is any way we can help.

HurtAndTired

[SaltyDawg]

I would recommend that you buy an ebook version that you can read on your phone. There are also library apps like Libby that allow you to borrow an ebook copy from your local library and read it on your phone for free if you don't want to purchase it. I guess my first concern here is that you have so little privacy that she is reading through your search history. My wife used to have that type of access to my phone and computer, but I revoked it. They are now both password-protected and I will not let her look at them. This caused a great deal of upset and raging, but in the end, it brought me a lot of peace.

Coteau,

   H&T has some great ideas, I would recommend going that route.  Go to your public library, they can do interlibrary loans, and that book along with the one I am about to recommend have very long wait times.  However, I find that their app has audio books, where you can discreetly listen to them with earbuds while working out or doing chores.

   From what you have described in your posts, I was at your point over a year ago, doing all kinds of research with the same concerns.  I knew something had to change, as I felt so emaciated by my undiagnosed borderline wife (uBPDw). 

   Here is a summary of tips I have come up with, it can be overwhelming; however, I strongly suspect you are going to be obsessed with finding a solution, and information is so disorganized on this topic (except here, and then it is hard to find at times) - by no means my tips are comprehensive; however, they should give you some good paths to follow to learn about this...

  Self-help books, there are so many books out there, I have a short list of the - these two are the best ones for starting learn about BPD, learning about your 'caretaking roll', and how to manage your pwBPD (pw = person with) so you are not so stressed.

   The best book for learning about BPD is Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by By Paul T. T. Mason, Randi Kreger - Make sure you have the 3rd edition, as it has an excellent assessment tool in it.

   As others have already mentioned this book that has a lot more teeth for managing a pwBPD, that book is    Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life by Margalis Fjelstad - this one is the best for managing a person with BPD.  A summary of the book can be found at https://margalistherapy.com/articles/borderline-and-narcissism-issues/handbook-for-dealing-with-a-bp-np/ where she specifically states that you need to tell yourself:

 + I did not cause it.
 + I cannot control it.
 + I cannot cure it.


  - Please do self-care.  You need to 'fill your cup' first, before you can help her with this and your young daughter.  It is kind of like the announcements to put your own oxygen mask on first when flying before helping the person next to you with theirs.  You need to have enough energy for both yourself and any you have left over can go for caring for her, and your son too.


  Don't do this alone.  I have an individual therapist, I also attend groups that I find supportive as well.  I also believe in self-help resources that I also use many of which are free/low cost resources.

If you are looking for BPD specific help, you have this website, BPD family, you can post and ask questions 24/7 here - in my humble opinion this is by far the best resource.  NEABPD has also been mentioned, they have a long wait list, but they have a lot of videos.  I am a strong believer in self-help resources - like youtube, books, etc.

If you are looking for weekly Zoom meetings specific to BPD, sponsored (but not attended) by Randi Kreger, author of "Stop Walking on Eggshells" series of books at https://groups.io/g/MovingForward - look towards the bottom of that page for the list of Zoom meetings, some are general, others are specific.  I've noticed many of the members schedule walking their dogs while attending these meetings so their pwBPD (person with BPD) do not find out about it.

If you think you are co-dependent, according to Google 90% of us are, CoDA can be helpful too (CoDA.org), it is not BPD specific.

NAMI has a group is for parents and/or partners (about 3/4 parents) of children with mental health disorders including BPD and other severe mental health issues which share a lot of the same challenges caring for a person with BPD.  The group I attend is 'in person' which I find is more authentic than a Zoom meeting or posting messages and those that have spouses with BPD, schizophrenia, PTSD and other undiagnosed severe mental issues seem to discuss strategies that they find effective.


  Set strong boundaries on not accepting bad behaviours, especially rages - the "Stop Caretaking" book has some excellent tools for this.  Also, https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329744.0 is a series of workshops to help you out as well.


   Ask questions, get strategies from myself and others who have had similar experiences to your own, figure out what works, and use that.


Take care with self-care.

SD

[Coteau]

Thanks to all for replies to this and the parenting thread. I have started reading the Stop Caretaking book. Creating an account here on bpd family as well as starting the book has been sort of a weird look in the mirror. It's been a month ago or so since I had the revelation that, "man, I  am not who I used to be." What is weird is that I would have never guessed, these past years, is that I have some work to do. I have been spending so much time just hoping that my wife would get help and all would be okay and I realize now how I wished I would have started this long ago. There is a country song out there (Angry all the Time)that almost seems to be a BPD anthem (I have no idea if the muse was a relationship with someone with BPD) but sort of a haunting line in the song is, "I never quite made it back to the one I was before"..I have thought about that line quite a bit lately and can say that though scary (in a new sort of way) I am happy that I have taken the first step or two. Better late than never I guess.

[Smedley Butler]

it never ceases to amaze me.  i kind of come and go on this board as my situation at home fluctuates, and when things get bad, as they are now, i come read stuff here for support.  it seems like every single time i do this, i come across a post such as yours, Coteau, that could literally be me talking.  i too am in the depths of just simmering anger and resentment with my wife that i just cant seem to get through.  i too find most of my life satisfaction through my daughters and my hobbies.  i too have soft-diagnosed my wife with petulant BPD.  i too have even listened to the song Angry All the Time and thought that it almost certainly had to be about a relationship with a BPD spouse (by the way, although this song was made famous by Tim McGraw, it was written by the great Bruce Robison and appears on his album "Wrapped" from 1998 - great album, check it out). 

anyways, i have no suggestions for help, but i'm here in the trenches with you.  hang in there.  Merry Christmas.

[Coteau]

SB, the advantages of this site are many but I agree, one of the best, is to be able to come here and read that we are not alone. The advise is always appreciated and welcome (I am still getting through the Stop Caretaking.. book and haven't really found any concrete , oh I can do that parts, but it sure has put a light on how I got here)but the most comfort comes from reading similar situations ...there is great comfort in knowing that I have not created this in my head when I read "my life" on someone else's thread. Hang in there as well! And, I do from time to time read the success thread as I am eternally hopeful. Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Music: I only recently found out Tim McGraw recorded this song. I have owned Wrapped (and several other Bruce Robinson and Kelly Willis CD's) for years. I am a huge fan of their music. The video done with his wife Kelly is a must see for anyone on this site with a taste for country/Americana/folk. I do not care to admit how many times I have watched it.

[Coteau]

I have thought about SB's post all day. I think we all can agree on the support this site provides for us and I thank all those who started the site as well as all who have posted in the past and the presence... but that is not what I have fixated upon today. I come here now(like SB) and read post looking for support. I often even just randomly start going through old post just seeing what is all on here. The more intense things are at home the more likely I am to spend time perusing posts. What really struck me today was what I did before finding first the "walking on eggshells site" and now this one. I am a fairly educated and successful man and I knew nothing of BPD until a few years ago. Yes, I had heard of personality disorder (and obviously narcism) but I simply knew nothing about BPD. This post doesn't really have a purpose other than one of hope. That hope being that all the people out there trying to figure out how the person they fell in love with is so capable of crazy making behaviors can learn about what they might be up against. Knowing about BPD or even visiting this site doesn't cure all but it sure is a lot better than the state of confusion I lived in for so many years. Heres to all those out there, that need to find this site, find it and some understanding.