BPD and Police

[BillyB13]

Apologies if this has been a forum topic before.

As many of you know I am having problems with my BPDexgf. She threatened to ring the police if I ever contacted her again… I have not.

So it lead me to ask the question and open up conversation on - Has your ex with BPD ever rang the police/threatened to ring the police on you, and have you come back from that to reconcile a relationship?

Thoughts please.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[EyesUp]

I know this is the bettering board, however I’ll offer a personal anecdote - admittedly a bit of a role reversal from the scenario you describe…

When my then uBPDw threatened to call the police on me in a state of dysregulation, I did not hesitate to call first.

It was the second call in the space of about 30 days, the first call was made by our marriage counselor when my uBPDw threatened self harm.  She was “Section 12’d” aka taken in for observation, later released based on the advice of her individual therapist.

I was told in no uncertain terms: if there’s another event, make a call.  So I did.  It was the best thing I could have done. 

The DV squad arrived, I explained the situation, and they very directly stated:  the police have wide latitude to take action as they see fit.  However, they asked me what I wanted them to do. I explained the recent history and indicated I felt that some intervention was needed that I could not manage on my own.

In the end, uBPDw was not arrested, but I was told that if there was another call with similar circumstances, she would be.

Ultimately, what followed was predictable:  lots of resentment, projection, blame shifting….  She was furious.

In summary:  making that 911 call was one of the first times I felt like someone was in my corner, and it started a process in which I started to look out for myself instead of protecting my pwBPD - often at my own expense.

In my case, the relationship ultimately did not recover.  We were divorced about 18 months later.

Of course, ymmv. 

All that said, it sounds like your ex has imposed a boundary that you must accept, if only in your own interest, as you certainly don’t want to deal with a false DV accusation or police investigation - warranted or not.  That simply doesn’t look like a viable path forward for anyone.

Please take care of yourself - and good luck.

[SaltyDawg]

So it lead me to ask the question and open up conversation on - Has your ex with BPD ever rang the police/threatened to ring the police on you, and have you come back from that to reconcile a relationship?

My current uBPDw has threatened to call CPS on me for child abuse, and more recently has alluded DV allegations too (by blame-shifting her behaviors as mine for a possible DARVO). 

Our couple's therapist is a former CPS LCSW, so I let me wife say her feelings and mis-interpreted facts (a.k.a. false narrative).  Since my wife indicated this was done in front of mandated reporters (I knew this so I let her hang herself with her own rope) it was not an issue.  Her statement sounded real, as that is the way my wife felt.

I am with EyesUp that you make the call to 911, to explain.  Also consider getting a body camera (they run about a hundred bucks) to protect yourself from false allegation if your pwBPD is more sinister than mine.

Good luck, take care with self-care.

SD

[BillyB13]

I am hoping to get back with my ex, but she said if I ever contact her again she will call the police. I am hoping with time she will become more neutral towards me.

[kells76]

I am hoping to get back with my ex, but she said if I ever contact her again she will call the police. I am hoping with time she will become more neutral towards me.

It sounds wise to wait for her to make any move, given what she's said.

One important thing to keep in mind about emergency calls is that there is no guarantee that if you're the one who calls, that you won't get arrested.

In the USA, some states have "mandatory arrest" policies, which means that if the police are called out for a DV issue, they are required to arrest one party.

Some male members here have been the victim of DV -- with injuries -- and have been arrested anyway.

That being said, there are situations that merit calling the emergency line. This isn't saying "don't call!"

A smart move would be to research whether your area (state, province, county, parish, etc) is a mandatory arrest area. That way, you can be informed ahead of time, before needing to make a call, what to expect when law enforcement arrives.

We live in a mandatory arrest state, but other members may live in states where it's discretionary or not required, and so they may have different perspectives. That's all OK -- the different perspectives shared give you a broad view of possibilities. What's important is for you to know the law in your area.

[Augustine]

Apologies if this has been a forum topic before.

As many of you know I am having problems with my BPDexgf. She threatened to ring the police if I ever contacted her again… I have not.

So it lead me to ask the question and open up conversation on - Has your ex with BPD ever rang the police/threatened to ring the police on you, and have you come back from that to reconcile a relationship?

Thoughts please.

Yes, mine summoned the police when I broke up with her.

It was clear that she fabricated a grand affray to the police, as I was soon humbly offering my account of our rupture to six scowling RCMP officers who arrived in three police cars.

For me, a reconciliation would not work in my favour for a host of reasons. Primarily due to a lack of a mea culpa, or any personal insight on her part, rendering a normal relationship impossible.

Secondly, once someone establishes a habit of ringing (or threatening to ring) the police at the slightest imagined provocation, history is bound to repeat.

Many provinces in Canada have a legal heuristic that women cannot make false accusations regarding domestic violence, so as I mentioned, reconciliation is risk I’d never be prepared to take, as one could easily find themselves in a jail cell with a criminal record based entirely on a false accusation.

In my instance I was extremely fortunate, because when the truth later emerged, the RCMP who were called to the property were monumentally annoyed by being summoned by my ex partner on a non police related matter, and told me in confidence that, “…we don’t like to have our time wasted.”

It’s well documented that BPD has a penchant for calling emergency services, and if your ambition is to reconcile at some point, I would counsel staying as far from her as is possible, letting her initiate any first contact.

I would also advise documenting any contact that does occur in the event that anything goes wrong during a budding reconciliation attempt.