My mother has undiagnosed BPD and I feel so helpless sometimes

[Eviltwn17]

My mother has never been diagnosed with BPD but has pretty much every symptom. I have a good friend diagnosed with BPD, so that’s how I finally became aware of it. I didn’t even think anything of her sudden rages until I got to be an adult. I don’t really have a question, just looking for people that understand. My mom is for the most part a wonderful person, but I never know when she’s going to have an “episode.” Unfortunately, I also live with her which I knew would be rough on me, but I felt I needed to help her with my elderly grandmother (the main target of my mom’s outbursts). It makes it even more difficult bc I have a 2 year old son that she’s screamed at me in front of too. I know I should move out, but I’m worried about abandoning my grandma. I don’t think there’s a good answer besides just doing my best to keep calm and try not to invalidate her.

[HappyChappy]

Welcome to the forum Eviltwn17 

I've found Folk on here very supportive and helpful. There's a great data base of knowledge on here and the Mod are especially knowledgeable.  It doesn't matter your mom is undiagnosed BPD, that's common among our parent's generation. Learning coping mechanisms for the unhelpful behaviour is more important.

[zachira]

You are not alone in having a mother with BPD. My mother with BPD is deceased and it was not until late in life that I realized that she had BPD. Boundaries are extremely important with a person with BPD, especially when you live with the person and there is a young child in the house. What do you do now to protect yourself and your son when your mother has sudden rages? It can help to remove yourself and your son from the room when she does this, possibly go outside, so you and your son are exposed for less time. What do you think?

[10ThousandThings]

Hi Eviltwn17 welcome. As zachira mentioned, boundaries are really important and I understand that your living situation isn't clear cut. Hoping you find the support you need here.

[Dominos]

Welcome Eviltwn17! You’re not alone. Like others mentioned having boundaries is essential. Do you have a getaway car you can use when your son is awake? You can practice something along the lines of, “When you speak to me that way, I will leave.” The key here is that when she repeats the behavior, you’re going to have to follow through. Otherwise, she will learn that she can walk all over you. I understand this gets more complicated when you have a 2 year old with nap and sleep schedules.

[zanyapple]

I'm sorry you're going through this. Like everyone said, you are not alone.

I think it's important to recognize how when we become parents, we're responsible for these tiny humans. To be screamed at in front of your kids is not ok.

My uBPD mother lives overseas, but when she visits, I put her in a hotel. I pay for it too, so it's essentially an all-expense-paid trip for her, even the food and every expense she makes. But she doesn't see this. All she sees is her daughter not welcoming her into her home. As much as this is hard for me (and her), it's for the best, especially for my daughter. As they always say, kids are like sponges, and I do not want my daughter to see all her negativity and her treating people, especially family, like garbage.