Help Seeing Patterns/Accepting The Facts

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi There,

I was in a three month relationship with an absolutely wonderful woman who was so caring, doting, attentive, supportive, fun, witty, talented, nurturing and emotionally available. Last week she was triggered by me telling her I was having a bad day and that I would probably be quieter that day bc of it. Since then she had a couple of days where she treated me poorly and she ultimately accused me of being in a different relationship with her and not wanting the same things as her, etc. When I talked about those things, she relented that they weren't really true and she just said them bc a thought entered her mind and it grew into a new reality that she was certain was real. She was highly accountable in processing this with me afterward, wanted to make sure I didn't have any lingering ill feelings and had an action plan that she seemed committed to.

Fast forward a few days later and she calls me to tell me she doesn't feel anything for me anymore and has been perusing my Instagram to see if she can stir up any feelings. She said the more she gets to know me, the less she likes me and that when she goes out of town the next day, she wants to not talk so she can figure out if she even misses me. All of this from a woman who made me feel so safe and secure and who I was just starting to settle into a relationship with a feel more optimistic about it having a future.

When she returned from her trip, we talked and initially she said the time away was good and she recognized that we were just moving away from the honeymoon phase of our relationship and into the next phase where we have to start working through conflict together. I was on the same page so I was encouraged and optimistic that maybe we were going to get this thing back on the rail. The next day we were supposed to get together to have a conversation. I facetimed her about an hour and a half before she was supposed to leave just to touch base. All was on track with our plans but she seemed more distant than the day before. I told her to text me and share her location with me when she headed out (which she always does when she comes to my place bc it's an hour long trip). Around 2:20, I hadn't heard from her saying she left so I texted her. My text didn't go through. I thought she might be underground but 20 minutes later it still hadn't gone through. I was starting to suspect she ghosted me and sure enough, I had someone else text her and it went right through. I'd also had her next door neighbor go over and knock on the door in case something was actually wrong with her (I was concerned with her wellbeing given the stress of our relationship at the time). Her neighbor went over there to discover that my ex was NAPPING.

So to recap, instead of her leaving to come to my apartment, she instead blocked me and went to sleep. Her whole plan was to just ghost me but after the neighbor came by she sent a curt text telling me she should've told me she wasn't coming and she was just coming over to end things anyway bc she didn't have anything to say. Of course my response to that didn't go through bc I'm still blocked. So this is how it ends. I can see that I had been devalued over the last week or so so I'm seeing a larger pattern there but there's still a lot to process and accept bc it was such a 180. Any advice for accepting the facts?

[pelican12]

Hi There,

I was in a three month relationship with an absolutely wonderful woman who was so caring, doting, attentive, supportive, fun, witty, talented, nurturing and emotionally available. Last week she was triggered by me telling her I was having a bad day and that I would probably be quieter that day bc of it. Since then she had a couple of days where she treated me poorly and she ultimately accused me of being in a different relationship with her and not wanting the same things as her, etc. When I talked about those things, she relented that they weren't really true and she just said them bc a thought entered her mind and it grew into a new reality that she was certain was real. She was highly accountable in processing this with me afterward, wanted to make sure I didn't have any lingering ill feelings and had an action plan that she seemed committed to.

Fast forward a few days later and she calls me to tell me she doesn't feel anything for me anymore and has been perusing my Instagram to see if she can stir up any feelings. She said the more she gets to know me, the less she likes me and that when she goes out of town the next day, she wants to not talk so she can figure out if she even misses me. All of this from a woman who made me feel so safe and secure and who I was just starting to settle into a relationship with a feel more optimistic about it having a future.

When she returned from her trip, we talked and initially she said the time away was good and she recognized that we were just moving away from the honeymoon phase of our relationship and into the next phase where we have to start working through conflict together. I was on the same page so I was encouraged and optimistic that maybe we were going to get this thing back on the rail. The next day we were supposed to get together to have a conversation. I facetimed her about an hour and a half before she was supposed to leave just to touch base. All was on track with our plans but she seemed more distant than the day before. I told her to text me and share her location with me when she headed out (which she always does when she comes to my place bc it's an hour long trip). Around 2:20, I hadn't heard from her saying she left so I texted her. My text didn't go through. I thought she might be underground but 20 minutes later it still hadn't gone through. I was starting to suspect she ghosted me and sure enough, I had someone else text her and it went right through. I'd also had her next door neighbor go over and knock on the door in case something was actually wrong with her (I was concerned with her wellbeing given the stress of our relationship at the time). Her neighbor went over there to discover that my ex was NAPPING.

So to recap, instead of her leaving to come to my apartment, she instead blocked me and went to sleep. Her whole plan was to just ghost me but after the neighbor came by she sent a curt text telling me she should've told me she wasn't coming and she was just coming over to end things anyway bc she didn't have anything to say. Of course my response to that didn't go through bc I'm still blocked. So this is how it ends. I can see that I had been devalued over the last week or so so I'm seeing a larger pattern there but there's still a lot to process and accept bc it was such a 180. Any advice for accepting the facts?

[Pook075]

Any advice for accepting the facts?

Hello and welcome to the forums- I'm so sorry you're in this situation and I can relate to how heartbreaking it can be.  For me, it was the same ending after a 24 year marriage...it ended out of the blue after a few overlooked signs the weeks before.

How do you accept the facts?  It would honestly depend on which facts you're talking about and I am sorry to say that as you process through this, there will be more questions than answers. 

The most valuable truth for you to accept at this point is that BPD is a mental illness that makes it difficult to keep close relationships.  Your partner felt insecure in the relationship (maybe for the first time) and had some doubts, and because BPD's are so geared to run off of emotions (instead of logic), those fears intensified.  The time apart may have served as a catalyst for her to become hyper-focused on the "problems" and drove her to a disordered solution- the relationship is over, break up with him before he can hurt you any deeper.

In other words, she broke up with you out of self-preservation because she was afraid you were going to abandon her.

Now, that might not make things any easier because it doesn't make any sense.  After all, it wasn't your plan to abandon her in the first place.  That's the mental illness though and BPD causes disordered thinking.  The closer you are to someone, the more powerful the fear of abandonment becomes.

The second truth that you must accept as quickly as possible is that this wasn't your fault.  It was impossible to see this coming and you didn't do anything wrong- you simply expressed that you had a bad day and needed some "me-time".  That's perfectly normal in a normal relationship since we all need that.  There's no way you could have known how this would play out.  So forgive yourself...this wasn't on you!

One more truth, we're up to #3 now.  You'll be replaying conversations in your head trying to find your fault (it's not your fault!) or discover things that you should have done differently.  Maybe she reaches out soon as well and expresses a variety of things.  This is disordered thinking on her part that's driven purely by emotions in that moment...and it can change very rapidly.  One minute she still loves you, the next minute she never loved you.  Those statements are all true in that instant in time. 

If she's hurt, she lashes out.  If she's lonely, she expresses love (or lust).  If she's sad, she looks for a shoulder to cry on as the victim.  You'll wonder what's the truth- how does she really feel?  It's all true in a disordered thinking kind of way.  A lot of what she says while being in a disordered state won't be remembered 10 minutes later, that's just how it goes.  So don't take what she says personally and remember the first two truths.  She's sick and this is ultimately not on you.

It's heartbreaking for sure, and I wish you all the luck in the world as you process this.  Please continue to ask questions as new realizations come to mind.  This is absolutely a process of grieving and yo must go through this to heal, and know that there are no timelines here.  I hope that helps!