My BPD spouse drove away last week - I was finally split -

[Skye Byer]

We started our journey 20 years ago and 19 of those married.  Couples therapy started within the first year, and I technically didn’t know until two days ago that she had been diagnosed with BPD.  Since couples therapy in 2017ish where the counselor was fired I have suspected BPD (because the counselor recommended that I read “Stop Walking on Eggshells”.  Up until 2 days ago she was in my mind Non-diagnosed BPD and she has been seeing a counselor who does like to use labels.  He’s also the only counselor that has more than one year of counseling her.  All others have been dismissed.  I have engaged a new counselor for myself to have someone to discuss this roller coaster with.  The 2017 counselor unfortunately passed away last year but she was very helpful to me as I learned what I’ve been dealing with but always with some level of doubt because she was non-diagnosed.

Last week a very minor issue got blown out of proportion and I must have forgotten everything I’ve learned and finally got split off.  We are currently 80 miles apart.  She’s at our home and I’m staying at our farmhouse on family property.  She took the dog but quickly figured out the dog wanted to be with me.  So it’s me and the dog now.

I have tried to allow her space to figure out what her next move is going to be.  She insists I need to work on my issues but there is nothing specific that she has identified that she wants me to work on.  I’m told I should look around and see them.

Tonight she called only once today, in 19 years I could expect that she would contact me every few hours if we were not together.  If I didn’t respond quickly there were issues.  She told me she ordered a book on BPD.  Now this is a major breakthrough and I plan to just be patient now.

My new counselor suggested that I try to get her to go to couples counseling again in order to help her identify the specific issues she has with me. At that point my counselor can help me work on anything she identifies.

Page 48 of SWOE says couples therapy normally fails with a BPD partner.  This has been true for all the other times we’ve tried it. 

I’ll now ask my question.  Are there any treatment facilities for people over the age of 50 that would help my spouse if she would agree to check herself in voluntarily?  I think she might be open to that.  Regardless of where this ends up I’m going to be OK because of my faith in God.

Thanks in advance for any assistance and replies.

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[SaltyDawg]

Skye,

   Welcome back to BPD Family. 

   The SWOE book is an excellent place to start to understand your pwBPD and has some pretty good, but basic tools for managing a relationship.

   Couple's therapy is normally a blame fest and doesn't work well, unless you have an ultra-rare therapist who is familiar with "The High-Conflict Couple: Dialectical Behavior Therapy Guide to Finding Peace, Intimacy" by Alan E. Fruzzetti which is the only one that I am familiar with that specifically addresses intimate relationships with borderlines and other cluster-B personalities.

   Some good books for her are "I Hate You-- Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality" and "Sometimes I Act Crazy: Living with Borderline Personality Disorder" both books by Hal Straus and Jerold J. Kreisman

   A good book for you, don't share this with her, as it has some pretty good psychological tools for managing your pwBPD is "Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life"  by Margalis Fjelstad, a summary of what you can do can be found at https://margalistherapy.com/articles/borderline-and-narcissism-issues/handbook-for-dealing-with-a-bp-np/

   Keep coming back, and ask questions.  I listed books, as you haven't posted much here, and I wanted to help you as much as possible.  There is also a good amount of information here that can help you out as well:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329744.0

   It sounds like you are doing good self care right now, but if you aren't please do so, as you need your energy for this relationship.

   Take care.

SD

[SaltyDawg]

Skye,

To address your specific question, unless your person with BPD is self-harming (cutting), and/or is suicidal, I would recommend avoiding an inpatient setting for your pwBPD.  Instead, look for IOP program with DBT  ( dialectical behavior therapy ) near you.  IOP stand for intensive outpatient program which usually involves two sessions a week, one individual session with a licensed therapist that specializes in DBT, and a 2nd session which is a group DBT session.

Please be aware, if she has not been exposed to this, an inpatient facility will have very extreme cases in there, and she can pick up some bad habits you may not want her to learn.  Likewise, a group session may yield similar results where she learns of new dysfunctional ways that she was not previously aware of by being exposed to a population of people with more severe traits than your wife.

If possible, find a program where you can go with her, as it will also require you to learn how to be supportive.  The success rate with a loving partner being supportive all the way and attentive can be in the 90-95% range; where as if she goes it alone, you are looking near 50-60% range depending on how motivated she is.

SD