Just Processing

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

This board has been very helpful to me. Thank you all for the support. Things are going fairly well but I just wanted to process some of my thoughts/feelings.

First off, I've been broken up for about a month now. She continues to contact me but I've kept my responses to a minimum. I still have feelings for her but I am really enjoying my time alone and don't desire to go back.

A few things though that I am struggling w/. First off there is some guilt. I've always been on guard due to my previous relationship before her so anytime BPD-like behaviors were present I didn't really put up w/ it. Therefore they never really got out of hand if that makes sense. I always had the mindset of knowing that I could easily leave and really didn't have to put up w/ it. Not sure if that is good or bad. Either way it always kind of kept things in check.

Looking back I think that is one of the most important things to understand about these relationships. You have to stand your ground and stay strong as a partner. If you fall into the seeking validation and admiration trap then you are doomed. Having said that I feel guilty because my responses always led to things kind of working themselves out yet I still chose to break it off. I think it was just the idea of being in a relatively high conflict relationship that was a turn off. I didn't have the energy to do that at this stage of my life and figured being single, not having to work through these types of things was a better fit for me right now.

I question whether or not I would like to try again in the future if our paths continue to cross, if I was more emotionally prepared for it. Then I question why would I even think like that? Purposely get into a high conflict relationship. I guess the highs are high and I am drawn to the passion that a BPDp gives off.

Any how, I just needed to vent.

[Goodpal]

This board has been very helpful to me. Thank you all for the support. Things are going fairly well but I just wanted to process some of my thoughts/feelings.

First off, I've been broken up for about a month now. She continues to contact me but I've kept my responses to a minimum. I still have feelings for her but I am really enjoying my time alone and don't desire to go back.

A few things though that I am struggling w/. First off there is some guilt. I've always been on guard due to my previous relationship before her so anytime BPD-like behaviors were present I didn't really put up w/ it. Therefore they never really got out of hand if that makes sense. I always had the mindset of knowing that I could easily leave and really didn't have to put up w/ it. Not sure if that is good or bad. Either way it always kind of kept things in check.

Looking back I think that is one of the most important things to understand about these relationships. You have to stand your ground and stay strong as a partner. If you fall into the seeking validation and admiration trap then you are doomed. Having said that I feel guilty because my responses always led to things kind of working themselves out yet I still chose to break it off. I think it was just the idea of being in a relatively high conflict relationship that was a turn off. I didn't have the energy to do that at this stage of my life and figured being single, not having to work through these types of things was a better fit for me right now.

I question whether or not I would like to try again in the future if our paths continue to cross, if I was more emotionally prepared for it. Then I question why would I even think like that? Purposely get into a high conflict relationship. I guess the highs are high and I am drawn to the passion that a BPDp gives off.

Any how, I just needed to vent.

[Pook075]

It's a fair enough question to ask, and the answer would be different for everyone. 

I personally would not intentionally enter into a relationship with another BPD because I now know what I bring to a relationship and what I need for it to be successful.  Love, kindness, empathy, mutual understanding...I want someone that chooses me every single day because I will choose them as well.  I also know what I don't want- mood swings, drama, unpredictable behavior.  In short, I want a best friend to share life with.

Could someone with BPD be that person?  Sure.  But I'd always be waiting for the 2nd shoe to drop.

[kells76]

First off, I've been broken up for about a month now. She continues to contact me but I've kept my responses to a minimum. I still have feelings for her but I am really enjoying my time alone and don't desire to go back.

How does she contact you? What does she contact you about?

[Goodpal]

Pook,

Makes a lot of sense. Waiting for the next shoe to drop is no way to live. One of the reasons I'm really weighing out both the pros and the cons of this relationship and possible future relationships. Right now I am enjoying the peace and quiet.

[Goodpal]

Kells

The communication has been across the spectrum - anger, apologies, friendly, final goodbyes etc. Some obvious lies of the attention seeking type (I'm moving out of state and starting a new life, I'm in a new social club and doing great, etc.).

When I try to engage in a friendly manner it turns quickly into relationship talk which make sit clear to me that it is too early to engage unless I'm looking to reconcile so I've been maintaining radio silence 90 percent of the time.

[kells76]

Sorry, should've been more clear 

How (by what mode) does she contact you, in the sense of: email? text? phone call? in person?

That being said, it doesn't sound like there are any logistics (paperwork, pets, belongings) to wrap up with her. Is that true?

Why do you think you choose to engage with her 10% of the time?

[Goodpal]

Kells

All text. Yep, nothing to wrap up. It was a clean break. I engage because I still have feelings for her and want to be friendly. Right now I need to have time on my own though and I am taking things one day at a time. Some days I don't engage but other days it feels impossible not to. We had a very intense long term relationship.

If I were to choose to explore reconciliation I would be upfront about it and do so. Right now I do not want to so I keep things friendly. It's very difficult to just ignore someone you care about even if you need time out of the relationship.

[Goodpal]

I'm sort of in that weird post break up place where I've had more time to process things and I start to question how everything went down. Could I have handled things better? Was I just too guarded that I never really gave it a try? These are some of the many questions I continue to ask myself. However, my gut says to stay broken up.

I've been doing all of the things that were recommended to me - focus on myself, my interests, my hobbies, self-care, etc. and I have really been enjoying that. Just spending a day at home alone on a Saturday has been a joy and something I've really been looking forward to each week. Even as I say all this I still love her and think about her daily. I just know this is what I need to do right now.

[ForeverDad]

All text. Yep, nothing to wrap up. It was a clean break. I engage because I still have feelings for her and want to be friendly.

Those of us with shared children don't have the option to fully End contact, there will always be exchanges and other parenting details until the kids are grown.  Even then, when the kids marry, when there are grandchildren, etc, there will always be some contact however reduced.

But you do have the option to End it.  Due to the level of dysfunction - your ex being all over the map in emotions, moods and perceptions - you can decide it just isn't healthy for you.

Are you in some way seeking Closure?  It's doubtful you can get that from the ex.  Likely you'll have to Gift yourself the Closure you seek.  Some here have been impelled to put it down on paper, but rather than send it they let it burn, sort of an emotional ceremony.  At the end of The World of Suzie Wong (Nancy Kwan & William Holden) Suzie mourns a death by burning memories, apparently a tradition in some Asian cultures.

[Goodpal]

ForeverDad,

I don't think it's closure I'm looking for. The idea of a permanent ending seems sad to me. It's hard to fully let go after so many good memories. The difficult part of this for me is that in many ways were have always been in the honeymoon stage. It was just that I knew where things were headed based on red flags and past experiences.

That is why ending is difficult. It's like "hey I love you, I enjoy our times together but I can see the signs that things could get really bad even thought they really haven't yet." This was sort of a logical mind type of breakup where the head finally over powered the heart.