Visiting parents

[thankful person]

Hi all,
I am staying with my parents for a couple of days and my dbpdw is predictably angry at the lack of attention she’s getting from me. I spoke to her for over an hour while I was driving here today. But texting has been sporadic since arriving, as I’m spending time with my parents. I also literally don’t have much to say to her, I mean I can talk about my parents but she doesn’t want to. She feels I’m ignoring her. I offered to video call or phone call earlier but she didn’t want to. I’ve gone to bed early to talk to her but ironically she’s ignoring me now. I think I’ve got this. I’m not upset, I’m just wanting to handle her predictable behaviour in the best possible way for the least amount of fall out. At least she can’t come into the room and shout at me like she does at home sometimes. I’m hoping that I’ve again unlocked the level where I have more important stuff on my mind and she literally lays off the drama because she knows there’s no point. Always hoping.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

I am staying with my parents for a couple of days

  Good for you!

and my dbpdw is predictably angry at the lack of attention she’s getting from me. I spoke to her for over an hour while I was driving here today. But texting has been sporadic since arriving, as I’m spending time with my parents. I also literally don’t have much to say to her, I mean I can talk about my parents but she doesn’t want to. She feels I’m ignoring her.

Do you think you're ignoring her?

I offered to video call or phone call earlier but she didn’t want to.

At the risk of sounding flippant, isn't that a win for both of you? You offered to call, she declined the offer -- sounds to me like you are both OK with the outcome? It's a great opportunity for you to respect her stated desire. "No problem, thanks for letting me know, maybe some other time".

I’ve gone to bed early to talk to her but ironically she’s ignoring me now. I think I’ve got this. I’m not upset, I’m just wanting to handle her predictable behaviour in the best possible way for the least amount of fall out. At least she can’t come into the room and shout at me like she does at home sometimes. I’m hoping that I’ve again unlocked the level where I have more important stuff on my mind and she literally lays off the drama because she knows there’s no point. Always hoping.

She may or may not change what she does in response to your behaviors... it'd be nice if she backed off of the drama, but even if she doesn't, you can decide boundaries for yourself that are 100% under your control, so it wouldn't really matter if she backed off or not. Something like: "I decide for myself that on this trip, I won't take calls between 10am and 2pm." You could even put your phone on silent from 10-2, so it wouldn't matter if she tried to ring you during that time -- you would respect your own boundary.

I do understand you have small children, so that might not be the most workable boundary, but maybe there's something else that sounds do-able.

Really, though, the fact that you went on the trip sounds wonderful! She'll feel however she feels (and it'll change moment to moment, based not on what you're doing, but on feelings that come up inside of her), and like you said:

I think I’ve got this. I’m not upset, I’m just wanting to handle her predictable behaviour in the best possible way

I think you got this too! Listening with empathy and validation to connect with her, then protecting your time with your family via boundaries, seems like a healthy way to handle predictably unpredictable behavior.

Hope you have meaningful time with your family!

[thankful person]

Thanks Kells,

Do you think you're ignoring her?

I have been ignoring her a little bit, but not so much that a regular person would even notice. She is incessant with the texts and as I said I have little to say. She is basically upset and angry that I’ve “abandoned”  her and no amount of communication is going to change that, so I can give my all to this time with my parents. A few years ago I used to be ruled by her every second I wasn’t with her, even at work I’d have my phone on me when I wasn’t allowed. She did text me back this evening and we had a little chat, she didn’t want to talk about the terrible day she apparently had, but wanted to tell me about dyeing her hair. She managed to do this whilst looking after the kids and also saved £200+ so I’m very pleased about that . She doesn’t want to know about my day or my parents but I don’t mind, I no longer expect her to show any interest in that and tbh it’s easier if she doesn’t because it just gives her more things to be jealous and upset about.

[kells76]

She is basically upset and angry that I’ve “abandoned”  her and no amount of communication is going to change that

Yes -- that, exactly. Her feelings of "abandonment" come from inside of her, and (as I'm sure you can imagine) even if you were on the phone with her 24 hours a day, she could still feel "abandoned", and you don't have the ability to do anything to manage that feeling for her.

I hope that gives you the freedom to act like an average human being like any other, knowing that you do your own best, which is sometimes great and sometimes falls short. It is normal as a human being to ignore others sometimes. We just can't pay attention to everyone at once!

A few years ago I used to be ruled by her every second I wasn’t with her, even at work I’d have my phone on me when I wasn’t allowed.

Even though the day-to-day can still be bumpy between the two of you, this is a huge improvement for you personally.

What do you think as you remember those times?

She did text me back this evening and we had a little chat, she didn’t want to talk about the terrible day she apparently had, but wanted to tell me about dyeing her hair. She managed to do this whilst looking after the kids and also saved £200+ so I’m very pleased about that .

That seems positive that the two of you can share a conversation about normal, day-to-day stuff, and have it be neutral and low key (not falling into argument/negativity). Good moment to build on.

She doesn’t want to know about my day or my parents but I don’t mind, I no longer expect her to show any interest in that and tbh it’s easier if she doesn’t because it just gives her more things to be jealous and upset about.

Changing our expectations can help, for sure!

[SaltyDawg]

I spoke to her for over an hour while I was driving here today.

TP,

   An hour long conversation while driving in a potentially distracted manner is very generous of your time.

I offered to video call or phone call earlier but she didn’t want to.

Knowing your situation, this sounds like a 'win' appreciate the sound of silence before you have to go back to the dysregulation in a few days time.

I’ve gone to bed early to talk to her but ironically she’s ignoring me now. I think I’ve got this. I’m not upset, I’m just wanting to handle her predictable behaviour in the best possible way for the least amount of fall out. At least she can’t come into the room and shout at me like she does at home sometimes.

It sounds like you 'got this' - keep this going - sounds like you are enforcing your boundaries in a good way.  Let's hope it is not the 'quiet' before the storm when you return.  Even if it is, use the tools to stop her dysregulation by not JADE, and speak with empathy and validate only her feelings.

I’m hoping that I’ve again unlocked the level where I have more important stuff on my mind and she literally lays off the drama because she knows there’s no point. Always hoping.

I hope so too.  If she realizes, that she cannot get you triggered, she may back off - I know my wife has backed off when she realizes she can no longer trigger me.

She is incessant with the texts and as I said I have little to say.

Keep it BIFF in your responses, so she cannot flood you with the details you supplied to her.  Also, set a boundary, I am doing _______ with my dad & mum, I will get back to you at xx:xx time, and make sure you text her back at or a few minutes before that time (not after).  So if you think you will be free at 9:30 pm, tell her you will text her at 10 pm.  That way if you run a few minutes late let say to 9:45, that still gives you a few minutes before you respond.

She is basically upset and angry that I’ve “abandoned”  her and no amount of communication is going to change that, so I can give my all to this time with my parents.

Do spend all of your time with your parents.  Let her know you are, and when you will get back to her, similar to to example above.

A few years ago I used to be ruled by her every second I wasn’t with her, even at work I’d have my phone on me when I wasn’t allowed. She did text me back this evening and we had a little chat, she didn’t want to talk about the terrible day she apparently had, but wanted to tell me about dyeing her hair. She managed to do this whilst looking after the kids and also saved £200+ so I’m very pleased about that .

Same here, every waking moment of every day, I suspect similar to being 'ruled by her every second', my wife wanted me to appease her by doing her love language of 'service' - at the time when I announced self-care, she attempted suicide, now I have pretty much levelled the playing field and have forced 50/50 reciprocity instead of the way off balance 100/1 effort.

You might want to validate her saving 200 quid.

She doesn’t want to know about my day or my parents but I don’t mind, I no longer expect her to show any interest in that and tbh it’s easier if she doesn’t because it just gives her more things to be jealous and upset about.

I've noticed mine is more concerned about herself, and by extension our children too, but really doesn't make too much effort about asking about my day, even though she has done this a little bit as a result of couple's therapy, but it is sporadic at best, and only when she feels like it.

If you can, I would suggest give this site a break for the two days you are visiting your parents, and enjoy your time with them, especially your dad as you suspect he doesn't have much more time to share.

Take care.

SD

[thankful person]

I am definitely feeling stronger. My wife has again been complaining about my lack of attention today, feeling invisible, unloved, like we’re not a couple etc. I tried giving her the time I would call or text but it seemed to make her worse. She complained that I hadn’t asked if she felt like hurting herself or whether she had. Should I address this? I didn’t attend to it because I feel like giving it attention could encourage her to continue with this manipulation. Ultimately she said she didn’t want me coming to D2’s important hospital appointment tomorrow which we had planned to attend together. I still intend to leave early and get back in time for it but I haven’t told her yet. I recognise that much of the anxiety I used to have around her controlling me is gone. It could be because my Dad is taking such a huge priority but it’s good to not feel so stressed over all this. I played my Dad his song that I wrote on the piano, and Mum made a video so he can watch it again. He loved it, he can’t really talk anymore but his smile was massive.