I’m going no contact with my 28 yo bpd s after years of being supportive

[wannabeamomma]

After much thought, I’ve decided to stop trying to keep trying to communicate with my son.

My husband and I were very supportive of him throughout his childhood through Covid and beyond. Started working from home when he was 5 yo and struggling so that I could be there for him. He was a highly sensitive child and prone to tantrums and outbursts at the smallest provocation. Wish I figured out what was wrong back then but he started thriving in middle school and there was no internet back then.

Paid for his college and living expenses throughout and for a few years after he graduated and when he was trying to get his business going. Paid for therapy when he returned home after college and failing at relationships and jobs. He made our lives a living hell when I suddenly became the person who neglected and abused him.

Our relationship deteriorated when we set boundaries when he refused to go to therapy or find a job and just wanted to smoke pot and play video games. Made him start working and get his own place a couple of years ago.  Thought being productive would make him feel better about himself. Every visit was pure abuse and rage and left me in tears.  He said he was happy when I got breast cancer because I needed to suffer too.

He surprised me with a phone call in February after he texted he was surprised to get Christmas gifts even though he had expressed extreme blame and anger in all our interactions. I told him I love him unconditionally.  He was very pleasant for the first 45 minutes and shared that he was in a relationship and doing well in his business. So at first he was “normal”.

But then he switched on a dime and said he was at a point where he could take or leave me. He insisted I confirm details about how I had abused him as a child.  I was speechless since all the details were complete nonsense. He became angry and hung up.

Oddly, he sent me an expensive gift afterwards but has largely ignored me since then.

I sent him texts here and there wishing him well. Nothing. He still uses my credit card for his auto and apartment insurance so I text him very so often to tell him how much he owes and he sends payment immediately without responding.

I sent him a birthday gift and got a “thanks” after there was a delivery issue I had to text him about.  Since then no birthday or Mother’s Day wishes. My stepson (who I am close with) and his wife share his social media posts occasionally so I know he is still in the relationship.
I guess he has decided to leave me.

 I’m exhausted by trying to make nice. I’ve decided it’s best for my mental health and that of my husband to stop reaching out only to be met with silence or contempt.

Still planning on leaving half my estate to him since he can’t help that he suffers from bpd.  My husband(his step) is resistant because of the way my son has treated us, but still supportive. But for now I’ll wait to see if he reaches out. So sad because he’s my only child and I poured my heart and soul trying to give him a loving and happy life.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Ourworld]

Hi Wannabeamom,

I think now is probably a good time to take a break, from the phone and social media for sure, you might want to leave email for any type of communication.

After I returned from living & working overseas a few years and never even thinking about something like this and it seems she felt abandoned even though I tried to keep in touch. So, at age 27 she told me she no longer would communicate with me. The following year, at age 28, she was sliding downhill further and the only communication from her was an email that simply said ‘Happy Mother’s Day’,we were having some family get togethers she came to. That was the final communication I received, she married a guy that had major mental health issues from the military and he has told me that she refused to even go to any counseling.

She has now kept me fully blocked for 11 years and seems to have the full effects of this horrible condition.
She left her husband while he was in psychosis and now he is being treated well at the VA. She has blocked him and we are not sure where she is living, just hoping that she has finally succumbed to getting treatment.

Anyway, I am actually relieved that I did not watch her downfall into this illness, because what they need is to realize they need treatment. If we are always there to pick up the pieces they will be far less likely.

My daughter, like your son, has high-functioning BPD it would seem. So, I think it would be best if you can stop communicating and stop trying to reach out with substantial gifts.

I suggest trying to keep email open to stay up-to-date with his address and send him an occasional “hello” greeting card with your signatures wishing him well.

When he is ready he may get back in touch, when he can speak to you in his right mind and stop blaming you.

My daughter was also an only child and we were very close.
She started school in Montessori, was an honors student, even graduated from college with honors. After she had blocked me when she was married, she even obtained her MBA. She has a genius IQ, but she is hopefully getting treatment for this mind-altering illness.

This illness reminds me of cancer because you never know who it will strike!

Wishing you the best, OurWorld

[wannabeamomma]

Hi Ourworld,
Thank you for your words of encouragement!

My heart hurts for you that your daughter has blocked you for years. It’s breaking my heart that I’ve been given the silent treatment for just months at a time and I cannot imagine how hurtful it is for you that your daughter has been blocking you for such a long time. 

This is not the first time my son has gone silent so I have hope that he will eventually reach out, especially when he needs something. I know where he lives because I co-signed his apartment lease!

He told me late last year that he is in therapy and wanted me to speak with his therapist so I “could understand him more.” I spoke with her but don’t know if he’s still seeing her. I have read tons of books on how to respond to him and validate his feelings but I confess everything went out the window when he challenged me to remember how I abused him. Uggghhh.

He doesn’t respond to emails, only texts. I will probably break down and reach out to him at some point even if he ignores me. Something in my heart tells me he needs me to show I care.

I pray your daughter gets help and one day remembers how close you were when she was younger. I think we both know that until our child takes accountability for their own lives, they will continue the blame game. So sad.

[Ourworld]

Hi Wannabeamom,

Yes, it is heartbreaking that anyone has to live with an illness such as this, and even more so when such seemingly well-adjusted and intelligent people end up in the torment of this illness is quite depressing and sad.

I believe that a large reason she cut me off was because she had found someone else to confide in (while growing she would only confide in me; I just thought she was shy). And when she felt things of this illness creeping in she actually wanted to spare me. She even thanked me.

I was called to full-time missions after retiring from my career by the Father in 1995, so I knew that God had a plan for me, and had shared this with her. I am currently preparing to go overseas in longterm missions. But if she contacts me and needs me here, I will deal with it at the time.
During all these years, I thought about what I might have done wrong, I’ve prayed extensively, and feel somewhat ok.

I am mentoring her ex-husband since he has no family left here and came here from Morocco and France. He had told me about some of her extreme behavior and her distorted beliefs about me and our family. He sent me her current email address and after realizing and learning about BPD I suspected this possibility.

I got up the courage to email her to inform her of things that would be applicable if indeed this had happened to her. For instance that her father leaving and us moving from a large house to a little duplex affected her more than I realized.

Well, unfortunately, she confirmed my suspicions when she actually wrote back saying how crazy I was and even that it was because of my abuse that she married someone with mental illness that also abused her.

To me this shows that although they ‘think’ they hate you, they really don’t, and reaching out occasionally to show we care is important. That is why I suggested sending a hello card occasionally is good. This shows you are still there for them and care, but eliminates the need for them to reply back, which, as we know will probably be a negative rant.

The email she wrote back was a shock, it wasn’t the fact that she went off on me, but just the fact she wrote back. This shows that they do in fact care about us staying in some type of contact with them. I did write back “I am sorry if I ever caused you any pain. Love, Mom”
She said she would block my emails, if she reads what I wrote, I told her about him sending me the address but if she did not want me to write, I won’t.
She has my email and phone number and I do hope that someday she will reconnect, but this little email response actually gave me assurance that she is in fact dealing with the problem, she realizes there is a problem, and is probably getting treatment.

So, I would say to keep in touch, but keep it minimal and occasional and pray.

It sounds like he’s getting there since you said that you had a 45-minute ‘normal’ conversation with him, and hopefully he recognizes that he may be less tormented.
I don’t think he’ll cut you out of his life as he heals further, but he does need to become independent, so you need to let him deal with his own problems and trust the foundation you gave him and that God will take care of his child.
When I went overseas she did not reply to any emails, I sent her postcards and gifts from my travels, but she did not care.

She knew I would be going overseas to serve someday and she knows I recently completed my Theology degree, but when I told her that I would be going overseas to help kids, I did start by saying “Unless you need me,”.

Sorry so long! But you will be ok!

Take Care, OurWorld

[Sancho]

Hi Wannabeamomma
Can I suggest that you take a middle step ie that you don't initiate contact for a specific period of time? It is clear you have done an amazing job supporting your ds over many years; it's clear in some sense that he understands his behaviour - for example - being surprised at the present and sending you a present; it's clear you are the 'target of blame' and the BPD kicks in when there is contact even when he tries to hold it in.

But you need a break from having him on your mind and in your heart. You have carried a focus on his welfare for a long time and the fact that he has a business and a relationship - even if these aren't permanent - are testament I think to your support.

I am not sure if birthdays are coming up in this time period but how about saying 'I am having a 3 month break from thinking about ds and I am not going to initiate contact in that time'.

When you find yourself starting to worry or think about contact tell yourself you are on your well deserved break.

I do this sort of thing in a variety of ways and find it really helpful.