Trying to accept that he still loves ex

[Winterberry]

I found out my pwBPD was talking to and sexting his ex for a month. We’ve been together 2 years and I’ve always known deep down that he still had some sort of feelings for her, but he denied it. When I found out he blocked her again and i ultimately decided to stay with him. She was his first love and he said he wanted to feel like he did when they first got together, but it didn’t work and now he knows he’ll never feel like that again. He finally admitted that he still has love for her, but more of “still cares about her” love than a passionate love. He says he loves me and wants to be with me and not her and that she’s changed. He’s felt terrible about doing this since I found out. He said he couldn’t have ever told me that he still has these feelings because he’d feel cruel. I don’t believe he’ll do something like this again but it looks like if I want to be with him I’ll have to accept that these are what his feelings are. I read a post from someone with BPD who said that they never really stopped loving any of their exs. I don’t know how much of this is related to him BPD but I think it is at least partly. He said these feelings have always been fleeting and he thinks about ‘what if’ they had a future together. He also said that if we broke up he doesn’t think he’d ever stop loving me either, and that he hopes time will eventually heal this. It’s really hard to accept. I don’t feel like he loves me ‘less’ but it’s not ideal. He also said not to feel second best because were completely different. In a way I’m glad this happened because what I always sensed has come to light and can’t be ignored now. I wonder how common this is and how It can be dealt with, or how i can accept it.

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[thankful person]

I don’t have advice as such, just thought I’d share my experience. I don’t have dbpd, though I do relate to many aspects of it. I left my ex boyfriend for my dbpdw ten years ago. It was an extremely painful split. I met my wife online and we quickly became friends in an intense emotional affair, it was like we both knew we wanted to be together before we even spoke about it. Eventually I told my ex that I was leaving him. He was absolutely devastated which surprised me as he never seemed that bothered about me and we were together 14 years. He was so upset that I told my wife I could never leave him. But I was so in love with her, I realised I had to because it was more fair on him. So after six months of him trying his best to make me happy and me still just wanting to be with my wife but not to hurt him, I despised myself, I felt like I was twisting a knife in his heart and watched his mental health deteriorate. I hated myself for many years after I finally got the courage to leave. I will always love him. I imagined a movie of us meeting again in the future and in the trailer I would say to him, “Why would I ever stop loving you?” There have been several people from my past that I cannot be in contact with because I love them too much for it to be compatible with being in a relationship.