Fresh Breakup

[TrueFriend5000]

Hi. Brand new here.

I've been dating a woman for 6 months. It has been up and down, crazy to me, never understood where I stood with her, and very confusing whether she wanted to be with me or not. I tried to set some boundaries to clarify where we stood in our relationship, and she decided she had to leave the relationship because of that. But so many of our interactions prior to that made me feel like she did not want to end the relationship, at least half the time, and a lot of her behavior was characterized by significant emotional dysregulation.

After she broke up with me two days ago, I started diving into what those symptoms might actually be related to. It seems pretty clear that the symptoms are cluster C personality symptoms, most likely BPD and possibly also NPD. I watched a video by a Harvard psychiatrist who said There are ways to relate to this person with BPD if you love them. Even though it's been only a 6 month relationship, I love her, for sure.

I know I can't control what she does. And maybe she won't want to come back to the relationship. And maybe she's not ready to even think about having BPD or what that means or what to do about it. Maybe the relationship is over and there's nothing I can do or say to change that. If so, that's okay. It will hurt, but I can live with that. What I can't live with is thinking she's ill and there was something I could have done to help her, and also preserve the relationship potential she and I have. We have a lot in common. We were a good match. She just started freaking out early in the relationship, and since I didn't know about bpd, I just didn't understand.

None of my friends understand. For them, it's an easy decision. Get away from her. Not so easy for me. But I'm trying to be loving without just codependent her illness. It's tricky to know which is which sometimes. I want to do this, but I also want to do it for the right reasons.

Do I need to hire a psychiatrist who specializes in BPD to help me understand what I'm supposed to do? Can I learn that here on this message board from other people? I'm desperate for a resource, and some understanding so I can know what to do. I feel so confused.

Hope this makes sense. Thank you for reading.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi TrueFriend5000 and a warm

In a way, relating to a pwBPD is like relating to someone who speaks a different language that is sort of the same as yours. Sometimes it feels really do-able, but then you say a phrase that you thought meant something really clear in your language, that communicated something totally different to that person, and wow, things fall apart.

It may not be intuitive learning new approaches -- that's what we're here for. This is a great group to practice with. It can take some time for the BPD relationship skills to feel natural, and it's well worth the effort in terms of making your own life more livable.

In addition to this group, you can decide for yourself if a therapist or counselor could help you. I've had both a marriage counselor (my H doesn't have BPD but his kids' mom has many traits) and an individual counselor over the years, and while neither one specifically said they specialize in BPD, both of them were "with it" enough to recognize the unique challenges we faced. So, while you don't have to hire a BPD-specializing Ph.D. psychologist, additional help never hurt, either.

...

One fantastic resource this board provides is feedback on your actual conversations and conflicts, with ideas of what to try instead in the future.

What was a recent one that happened? Can you play it out for us in a "he said - she said" kind of format, like a movie script:

Her: I have to leave the relationship because you always __________

You: Actually, I didn't do _________, and I love you and we should stay together

Her: ________

etc

...

We'll be here for you;

kells76