14 years in to a relationship with sig other ubpd. facing truth of my situation

[rosesarered]

I have been with my partner almost 14 years, and we have 3 kids 3,8 and 11. l have been visiting this site for guidance and support for 7 years, since my psychologist figured out my partner had traits of high functioning BPD. His Dad was abusive and classic traits of bpd and my psychologist suggested Stop Walking on Eggshells. lt was life changing. l was able to improve our relationship significantly once l worked out what was triggering him, things like not being defensive, validating his feelings (when he was attacking me) and sometimes he could revert to his reasonable self and even stay that way for weeks at a time. l never told him what l was doing, but we had a turnaround in our relationship and things were ok for a while. l felt l had unlocked the secret to keeping him on an even keel and even began to see real changes in his accountability, he even began to apologise to the kids to make repair after a rage moment.
Fast forward to now, and l am really at the end of my coping. l thought the best way to protect my kids from conflict was going to be from inside the relationship. Whenever he goes away for work, like he did 2 weeks ago, suddenly everyone is relaxed and more expressive. my kids are very aware that their Dad is often angry, volatile and prone to sudden and aggressive outbursts. My son who is 11 has started apologising to me when my partner turns on me (verbal, character attacks) he will whisper "sorry mum" because l have role modelled this a thousand times

[Pook075]

Hello Roses and welcome!

One thing that has always stood out to me was what a therapist said during an in-house stay for my BPD daughter.  She told me, "Mental illness has nothing to do with being nice."

She explained that she's had thousands of patients over the years with all sorts of mental illness across the entire spectrum.  Some were completely out of their mind permanently, some thought they were living on a different planet.  Yet across all of them, all those experiences, she noticed that the ability to be nice or mean did not have anything to do with their diagnosis.  Many were kind, loving people despite what they were dealing with, while others with the same diagnosis were mean and hateful.

While your husband may have BPD/NPD, he's making a conscious choice to be mean.  You also get to choose whether or not to accept it.  Just know that if it's constant and your children are seeing it, almost anyone would consider that abuse.